Our different paths

I remember that time we visited Moscow. I’d never been there before. You used to live there when you were a child with your parents Boris and Naina Yeltsin. As we walked the streets of Moscow, you told me about how your father wanted you to succeed him as the President of the Russian Federation. However, you wanted to be a cabaret singer in America. When you were old enough, you left home, came to America and got a job singing at the Soup Spoon Cabaret in Detroit. 

I told you I admired your tenacity. I shared when I was a kid, I wanted to be a bubble gum tester for Bazooka Joe. My parents felt that was a good idea. I didn’t like that they liked my ambitions and I decided to become a CEO for a big company. When I was old enough, I left home and applied to be CEO for General Electric and got the job. I was there for 12 years and was never happy.

I like to sit

Sometimes I like to sit. And not do anything else.

Someone will come along and ask me to get up and do a different thing. But I’ll say, “No, thanks.”

I’ll stay sitting. They may ask again. But I stay seated.

They’ll leave and it’s just me, sitting again.

I’ll look around while sitting. I like to think of it as going places with my eyes. I get to remain seated and go.

Sometimes I’ll fall asleep while sitting. Then I’ll dream, and I’m usually no longer sitting. That’s okay, because when I wake up, I’m still sitting.

Shiva’s Ice Cream

I went and got ice cream with the deity Shiva. Shiva got a triple-cone: vanilla, bubble gum, and butterscotch flavors. I got a small cup of strawberry ice cream.

We sat outside on a bench and ate our deserts. It was hot and Shiva’s cone was melting. While he licked his cone, the ice cream dripped onto the ground. Ants were fighting over the small growing pool of melted sweet cream.

Shiva said, “How’s yours?”

I said, “It’s good.”

Shiva said, “How come you only got a small cup?”

I said, “I’m not that hungry.”

Shiva finished his ice cream and said, “I’m gonna get another one. Can I get you anything?”

I said no. Shiva went back into the ice cream parlor.

Shiva came back out with a cone that perilously balanced five scoops of ice cream. I’d finished my cup by then. Shiva licked the cone, while it dripped onto the ground. By now there were hundreds of ants feasting on the drippings.

The ride

I was driving when I heard a loud clang. Out of my back window I saw the car’s muffler roll to a stop in the middle of the road. I noticed that the car had become a lot louder. I turned up the radio.

I heard a much louder clang and noticed the back bumper had fallen off my car and rolled into a ditch behind me.

This was followed by both sides of the car falling off and flipping away in different directions. I kept driving.

Next the hood popped off, followed by the front bumper, and then the roof. I had the thought that my car was now just wearing its underwear.

Not long after this, various parts shot out of the engine, landing and bouncing on the road behind, until there was no engine left. Then the wheels popped off the car with tires intact, and they followed, rolling behind the car for a while.

By this time the car was still moving forward due to the momentum. The car was sliding roughly on the asphalt. I was grateful the gas tank wasn’t catching fire from all the sparks that were shooting off. The bottom of the car finally wore away. Now it was just me, the seat, and the driving wheel going forward.

The seat tore up, and I was just holding the driving wheel. I was sliding on my pants by now, but luckily I was only going a few miles an hour. I came to a stop in front of a bus stop. I got up, stood at the stop, and waited.

In about a half hour, the bus came. I got on the bus, paid the fare and took a seat. The bus took off.

I noticed a kid staring at me in the seat across the aisle. He asked if he could have the steering wheel, which I was still holding. I gave the kid the steering wheel. The kid gripped the steering wheel and pretended he was driving the bus.

The baby in the desert

I was out walking through the desert in the hot mid-day sun when I came across a baby sitting on a rock. I looked around to see if a parent was nearby, but there wasn’t.

I picked up the baby, held it in my arms, and rocked it. The baby made cooing sounds.

I looked around again for a parent. Nothing.

I noticed crawling marks in the sand that led up to the rock the baby had been sitting on. With the baby, I began tracing the crawling marks back to where they came from. I walked for nine hours.

I came upon a house at the edge of the desert. I knocked on the door but no one answered. I opened the door and went in. There were over twenty babies crawling around on the floor. I looked around for an adult or parent and found none. I set the baby down and she began crawling with the other babies.

Rowing across the Atlantic

I remember the time I was attempting to row boat across the Atlantic Ocean. I really wanted to make it all the way from the USA to England. And I’d almost completed my journey and was an hour or so from the city of Cornwall in England when a whale stuck its head out of the water and said, “Can I ride with you?” I can’t say no, so the whale climbed into my rowboat. It was a tight fit.

I tried really hard to row, but with the extra weight, we weren’t going anywhere. The whale got impatient and said, “Can’t you make this go any faster?” I said I would try, but after a few minutes struggle the whale lost it and took the oars away from me and began rowing.

I said, “You’re going in the wrong direction.” The whale said, “I know what I’m doing!!” After a week I could see the coast of Virginia in the distance. The whale said, “I’m done” and went back in the water.

I rowed the rest of the way to Norfolk. I parked my boat in the dock. I got my car and loaded my boat to the top of my car. I went back home, put the boat away and sat in my living room. On the wall was my list of Things To Do. I erased Rowing across the Atlantic.