Brooks’ Recent Posts


  • I’m a time-traveler

    I’m a lot of things. I’m a typer. I typed this. I’m a person. I’m a glasses wearer. I’m a guitar player. I’m a time-traveler.

    I have a time travel-machine I bought on Ebay. Someone was selling theirs because they rarely used it. It was a pretty good price. I think it was $125. Retail they go for $500 to $1900.

    I picked it up in my truck. My friend Craig helped me. That was necessary because it’s heavy and takes two people.

    We carried it inside my house and I plugged it in so it could charge. The battery was dead but after an hour it was ready to go.

    My friend Craig asked me where would be the first place in time I would travel. I said, “Yesterday.” I got in and typed in the time-space coordinates, there’s an instruction book that shows you how to do it. I pressed the Go button and suddenly I was in yesterday.

    Yesterday seemed a lot like the day I’d traveled from. I guess because both of those times were “now” in the moment. Now is now. It never changes. Though Craig wasn’t there.

    So I thought maybe I should pick a time and space that would be different in its surroundings. So I randomly picked August 14th, 1956. I pushed Go. Suddenly I was no longer in the living room of my house and I was sitting in the time-machine in the middle of the woods. It was nice because I like trees.

    Then I punched in the coordinates for March 1, Year 10. I was still in the woods. But the trees were different. I guess until recently most places were trees, or fields, or lakes. Back then the dominant species was Nature.

    The next trip I chose the year September 9th, 1743, and the place of Paris, France. I hit Go. I was suddenly sitting in my time-machine in the middle of a crowded marketplace. Everyone was speaking French. I could tell by their accents.

    People began gathering around my machine and touching it. That seems to be the thing most people do when something weird and unexplained happens. I don’t think it actually helps. Especially not in this situation because the outside of the time-machine heats up like a skillet that’s been sitting on a flame. People started grabbing their burnt hands and yelling. I felt badly because I’m adverse to hurting people. I said I was sorry, but since I was speaking in English, it wasn’t helping.

    I typed in the time and day that I’d started from originally and also my apartment and hit Go. I immediately arrived in my living room, My friend Craig was still there. He said, “Are you gonna go or not?” I explained that I had gone and returned to the exact time I left. He said, “Oh, right.” I told him what I’d already told you above. He said, “That’s neat.” And then he left.

    I didn’t do anymore time-travel trips that day. But the next day I went on some more.


  • A story about work

    I was flying my spaceship to Jupiter when I put on the breaks, got into my spacesuit, opened the hatch and went out. I didn’t wear the tether that is supposed to keep me attached to the spaceship. I walked not knowing where I was going.

    I thought, “Why am I a spaceman? I’m not a spaceman?”

    I walked and walked and walked. I didn’t look back to see where the ship was. I didn’t care.

    After a couple of hours I got sleepy. I fell asleep. The great thing about being sleepy in space is you don’t have to lay down.

    I dreamt I was on Earth. I was sitting in a coffee shop. I had a cup of coffee on the table in front of me. I don’t like coffee. But there was the cup. I looked into the cup. The coffee said, “What?” I said, “I didn’t say anything.” The coffee said, “Yeah, you did.” I said, “No, I didn’t.” The coffee said, “Yeah, you did.” I said, “No, I didn’t.” I got up and went to the counter. The person behind the counter asked me what I wanted. I said, “Tea.” Behind me I heard the coffee sigh.

    I woke up outside of my spaceship. I opened the hatch and went inside. I took off my spacesuit. I sat in the driver’s seat and turned on the ignition.

  • Time spent under the tree

    I sat at the base of the tree. I asked how it was doing. The tree said it had been a good day so far. The tree asked about my day. I said it was awful, but I’d been expecting such. The tree said maybe it would get better. I said I hoped so.

    The tree told me about a bird that had landed on one its branches earlier. The bird said it was sad. The tree asked why. The bird said sometimes it feels sad for no reason. The tree said perhaps it was its diet. The bird said it hadn’t considered that.

    I said I feel dour when I eat too many potatoes. The problem is I like potatoes. The tree said if I ate less, I could still enjoy them and not feel down. I said I tried but I like them so much that I’m compelled to eat a little more and then I feel badly.

    The wind blew hard and some leaves fell from the tree. One of the leaves landed near my foot. I asked the tree if it wanted me to put it back on. The tree said if only I could.

  • Pre-birth Brooks

    I took a ride in my time-machine back to my parent’s house the day before I was born.

    I knocked and my dad answered. As a subterfuge I said I was selling Fuller Brushes. I didn’t want my parents to know it was me. They would be less surprised and possibly less interested to meet me as baby, which would have had problems of its own.

    My dad said, “We’re not interested.” From within the house, my mom said, “Who is it, dear?” My dad said, “It’s a guy selling Fuller Brushes.” My mom said, “I heard those are good brushes. Buy three.” My dad rolled his eyes and said, “We’ll take three.” I said I didn’t have the brushes on me. I would turn the order into the main office and they would get the brushes in two weeks.

    My dad took out his wallet and said, “How much do I owe you?” I said he didn’t owe me anything. He would pay when the brushes arrive in two weeks. He said, “Aren’t you going to give me a copy of the order?” I said the company eliminated paper work as a way to reduce global warming. He said, “What’s global warming?”

    My mom came to the door. She was very pregnant. She said to my dad, “Where are the brushes?” My dad said, “We have to wait two weeks.” My mom said, “Oh.” My mom looked at me. She said, “You look familiar. Where do I know you from?” I said I’d done an Alka-Seltzer commercial a few months back.

    She said, “Oooh, the baby kicked! I asked when the baby was due. She said, “Hopefully in the next week.” I asked if they picked out a name. My dad said, “H-41-Z-9.”

  • Things that happened on the Moon

    I took my rocket ship to the Moon and got out and went for a walk. I like the surface of the Moon because it’s soft dust. As the dust flew up into the air I imagined each particle was a miniature Moon.

    I walked till I got to a crater. I sat on the edge and looked up at the Earth. The Earth started to vibrate. Then it began to dance. I stood up to dance along, but I lost my balance and fell into the crater.

    I landed and lay on my back. I looked up into the starry sky. One of the stars said, “Are you okay, Brooks?” I said, “I think so.”

  • The Secret World of Brooks

    I often daydreamed when I was a kid in school. The teacher would be going on and on about the subject they were paid to teach and I would be imagining the Secret World of Brooks. It was a dazzling world.

    In this hidden to others land, the Sun would come down from the sky and we would hang out. The Sun and I couldn’t get enough of each other’s company. The Sun would say, “You’re the Brookiest!,” and I would say, “Sun, you’re the best burning ball in the sky!”

    The Sun and I would hold hands and the skin on my hand never got burnt.

    Sometimes I would run on the Sun while it rolled under my feet. It was like a burning treadmill.

    I also had secret discussions with my desk. The desk was all one piece desk and chair. I remember once saying to to my desk, “Hey, Desk?” The desk said, “Yeah, Brooks?” I said, “Do you mind me sitting on you?” My desk said, “Brooks, I can’t hold you up any longer!” I felt badly and stood up. My teacher said, “Brooks, please sit down.” I looked back at the chair and then back at the teacher. The teacher said, “Brooks, if I have to tell you again, you’ll get detention.” My chair said, “Brooks, I was just joking, sit back down.” I sat back down. I said to my desk, “You got me that time, Desk.”

    Even though I daydreamed through the majority of my classes, I got good grades. When we were given a test, I asked my pencil, “Would you answer these questions for me?” My pencil’s name was Stan and it was really smart. Stan the Pencil said, “Sure, Brooks.” The pencil began writing away while I hung out in the Fred Zone. I still have Stan the Pencil. Stan no longer answers tests for me. Mostly we watch movies together.

  • Taking my brain for a walk

    My brain popped out of my head through my ear and landed on the floor. I said, “What are you doing down there?” My brain said, “I need some fresh air.” I said, “Okay, how about I take you outside for a walk?” My brain said, “I would like that!”

    I picked up my brain, held it under my arm, and went outside. My brain said, “Wow, it’s beautiful out here.” I said, “I’m glad you like it.” My brain, “It’s so nice to feel the breeze. I’ve never felt breeze before. And the sun’s rays are so nicely warm!”

    The neighbor’s dog Wickle came up and said, “What’s that you got under your arm there, Brooks?” I said, “It’s my brain.” Wickle the dog said, “Can I eat it?” I said, “No, I’m gonna need it later.” Wickle said, “Can I at least smell it?” I said, “Sure.” I lowered my brain to Wickle who sniffed and started to lick my brain. My brain laughed and said, “Oh, it tickles!”

  • My made-to-order fruit tree

    I have a fruit tree in my backyard that makes fruit to order. I go out to the tree. The tree says, “Yes, Brooks?” I request a particular piece of fruit. The tree says, “Okay, it will be a few minutes.” I take a seat in a chair next to the tree. There’s a small table next to the tree with a few magazines and a tip jar.

    After a moment the tree produces the requested fruit, or something very near it. Once I asked for a Stayman apple and I got a Fuji instead.

    I remove the fruit from the branch and eat the fruit. Sometimes it’s a grape. Sometimes a watermelon. Today I had a papaya.

    The rest of the time the tree has no fruit on any of its branches. I asked once why it won’t make unordered fruit. The tree said, “It’s a lot of work to make fruit. If you don’t want any, I’m not gonna waste my time.”

  • My jaunt to the North Pole

    I took a trip up to the North Pole today. I’d never been there before. I like to go to where I’ve never been. When I get to the new place I take a moment to notice the change from having not been there to being there. It’s subtle but worth it.

    So anyway, I drove north till I got to the top of Canada. Then I flicked the switch in my car which folded the wheels in and turned my car into a boat. I traveled north on the Arctic Sea. A flock of seals challenged me to a race. It was close, but they won.

    Once I got to the ice land I flicked another switch which brought back my tires, three times their normal size with spikes. I continued north. I picked up a hitchhiking polar bear. I asked him where he was going. He said, “Nowhere in particular. I’ve never ridden in a car and I’d like to see what it’s like.”

    I arrived at the pole. The polar bear got out with me. We looked at the pole. I told the polar bear what I told you earlier about the transition from not having been somewhere to actually being there. He took my hand with his paw and said, “You’re right, Brooks, it is exquisite.”

  • Having lunch with the rhinoceros

    Earlier today I saw out the back window a rhinoceros eating my cherry tree. I  went outside and said, “I’m sorry to interrupt you.” The rhinoceros stopped eating and said, “Yes, what?” I said, “I’m Brooks, what’s your name?” The rhinoceros said, “Beldon.” I said, “Beldon, can I make you a sandwich?” Beldon said, “What kind of sandwich?” I said, “Either bologna or cheese. Or both together.” Beldon said, “I would like both.” I said, “Okay, come on in.”  Beldon and I went into my house.

    Beldon sat at the kitchen table while I made the sandwich. Beldon said, “You have a nice kitchen.” I said, “Thanks.” Beldon said, “How long have you lived here?” I said, “Three-and-a-half years.”

    Beldon said, “Where did you live before that?” I said, “I spent a little over a year traveling in my space ship. Usually I would camp out mid-space. I visited Mercury for the first time. I’d been wanting to go for a while. It was nice. Like spending time on a giant bowling ball. There were no trees because the close proximity of the Sun burns everything.”

    Beldon said, “How come your space ship didn’t burn?” I said, “Teflon coating.”

    I brought the bologna and cheese sandwich on a plate to Beldon. I sat across from him and watched him eat the sandwich. Beldon stopped and looked up and said, “Why are you staring at me?” I said, “I just realized I’m hungry too.” Beldon said, “Would you like some of mine?” I said, “Thanks, that would be nice.”

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