Oh, hi. It’s good to see you. I was just thinking about great it is that you invented those boats that a person can ride on lava.

Shiva

It was one in the afternoon and still dark out. I figured something strange was going on, and I took a closer look up and realized, Shiva, Lord of the Universe, was sitting and meditating on my part of the Earth, blocking out the Sun.

I got upset and threw a rock at his leg.

He opened his eyes and said, “What the hell!?!”

I said, “I know! What’s the big deal?!”

Shiva said, “Do you know who I am?!”

I said something about his being part of the Blue Man Group.

The Seed

I planted a seed in the ground and waited. Nothing was happening.

I got impatient and looked up to the Sun and said, “I could really use your help.”

The Sun sent some strong rays onto the dirt.

I heard faint sounds under the ground, like someone was waking up. Suddenly a sprout came out of the ground and yawn stretched into a sapling.

I said, “Hi” to the new one.

The new one said, “Who are you?”

My afternoon in France

I took my time machine back to 1843 and the town of Seine-Maritime, France to visit my buddy, the author, Alexandre Dumas.

We shared a pot of coffee at the Boutique Nespresso Rouen. Alexandre was fretting over his latest novel, tentatively titled, Les Quinze Mille Mousquetaires (The 15,000 Musketeers.)

I flipped through the manuscript and casually suggested, “Trois.”

Alexandre nodded and sighed with relief, and began scratching out the superfluous names with his quill.

Luckily he carried a 5-gallon inkwell with him wherever he went.

Good-bye

“Hi, it’s God. You should know I’m quitting and starting another Universe. A much smaller one. Like about the size of a table. That way I can sit and move things around without getting up.”

The Bricks

I lost my home. I figured I would go for a walk. Soon I came across a group of bricks.

One of the bricks said, “Would you like a house?”

I said yes.

The brick said, “If you’d like, we could be your house.”

I said they weren’t a house, but a pile of bricks.

The brick said, “A pile, yes. But compiled, we become your house.”

I said that was a generous offer, but I was unskilled at compilation.

The brick said, “No problem, we know how to do it. Please wait.” I stood and watched the bricks quickly assemble into a house. When they were done, a brick door swung open at the front of the house.

I walked in through the door and sat down on a brick sofa.

The original brick that spoke to me was now a part of the sofa. It said, “Do you like it?”

I said yes, and thank you, but that I was a little tense from the hardness of the brick sofa.

That’s when the totality of bricks sang me a lullaby that went like this, “It’s going to be okay. You’ll see. It’s going to be okay. Before you know it. It’s going to be…okay.”

And in a few minutes, it was.