How to be happy

If you take all your feelings, and push them way deep down inside yourself, they eventually come back up as a flower.

The Covenant

I went to see Alien: Covenant with Jesus. Jesus got so scared during one scene that he grabbed my arm and I dropped the popcorn bucket and the popcorn spilled all over the floor.

I asked Jesus if he would buy a new bucket of popcorn. Jesus lost it and said that I should buy it because it was my fault for not holding on tighter to the bucket. I said that didn’t feel fair. Jesus said something about my not wanting to see him go “Money Lenders” on me. I left to get another bucket.

When I got to the concession stand, I ran into Buddha. He started laughing as he told me that he was getting a bucket of popcorn because he clumsily grabbed his friend’s arm during a scary scene in Alien, causing his friend to spill the popcorn. I asked if I could sit with Buddha for the rest of the movie. He said yes and we went back in and sat down.

A few moments later Jesus stood up, trying to seeing in the dark, whisper yelling, “Brooks?! Brooks?! Where are you?!!! I’m hungry!!!”

Wondering

Wondering what salt thinks as it leaves the shaker.

Cool!

Brooks: I’ve lost faith in you.
God: That’s because you haven’t been getting what you think I should be giving you.
Brooks: Well, actually, I don’t think that’s really tru-
God: Here’s that pint of Cool Whip Original Whipped Topping you’ve been wanting.
Brooks: Oh, my God, you’re the best of the bestest!!!

Up There

I was out for a walk. I heard a throat clearing far above me. I ignored the sound. Again the throat cleared. And then again.

Finally I looked up and said, “What?”

The Sky said, “How come you’re ignoring me?”

I said that I wasn’t.

The Sky said, “You haven’t looked up once!”

I apologized and said that whenever I look up at the wondrous expanse of the sky, I become embarrassed at the so called accomplishments of my day.

The Sky said, “Really? You think I’m wondrous?”

Opps!

I got in my time-travel machine and hit the Shuffle button. I was taken to London in 1938.

On my arrival, I heard the sounds, “Confound it!” I got out and realized I’d landed on a rose garden.

A tall and distinguished older gentleman said, “You have utterly destroyed my prize-winning Tudor roses!”

I apologized. A tear fell from the gentleman’s eye.

In a broken voice he said, “Eighteen years, trial and error, until finally, success…only to have it dashed by your bastardly ways.”

I expressed my regret. Then I said, “Hey, aren’t you British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain?”

He said, “Yes, I am he.”

I said, “Let’s just say that soon, this will be the least of your worries.”