Lunch with Shiva

I had lunch with Shiva, the all powerful Hindu god of destruction.

Shiva said, “Could I have some of your fries?”

I said, “No.”

Shiva said, “Come on, don’t be a jerk. Let me have some.”

I said, “You always do this. You don’t order fries and then you try and eat mine.”

Shiva said, “Because I know you’ll order them, dummy.”

I said, “You’re being an asshole.”

Shiva said, “That’s who I am baby. Get used to it!”

I paused. I said, “What’s wrong?”

Shiva said, “I don’t know what you mean?”

I didn’t say anything.

Shiva’s upper lip started to quiver.

Shiva broke down crying.

Through sobs, Shiva said, “Pookie’s gone!”

I said, “Who?”

Shiva said, “My teddy. I looked under the sheets, under the bed. Where could he have gone?!! Will you come over and help me find him?”

I said, “Sure.”

We got up. I put money for both our meals on the table.

Shiva grabbed a handful of my fries and stuffed them in his mouth.

5 things I did today

Five things I did today:

I dug a hole to the center of the Earth. When I got there, I discovered a silver spinning gyroscope on a wooden table. It was the size of monkey’s fist.

I found that blue marble that’s been missing for a week.

I called the doctor who helped deliver me when I was born. I asked her if I was a difficult birth. She said, “Not particularly, but you shielded your eyes and complained about how everything was so bright.”

I helped a worm cross the road. It didn’t say thanks. I said I was upset. The worm apologized and said, “Thank you.”

I looked up at the sky and told the Sun it was doing a good job. The Sun said, “I definitely feel like it’s one of my better days.”

A dream about a friend

I climbed to the top of the tree. I hung on tight as the wind rocked it back and forth. But the swaying made me sleepy and I fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was on a boat ride with my friend the Sun. The Sun said it had never been on a boat before. I said it was good to do new things. The Sun and I held hands. My fingers were okay and didn’t get burnt.

The star

I lay on the lawn looking up at the night sky.

A star twinkled more than the others. I winked at it. The star began doing loops.

I applauded. The star shot towards me through space until it was 100 feet above me.

I covered my face and yelled, “Aaaaaagh!”

The star said, “Oh, my God, no! I’m not going to crash into you!”

I uncovered my face. I said, “That was intense.”

The star said, “Sorry.”

I said, “That’s okay.”

Lost and found

When I was five, I got lost in the Grand Canyon.

I was there with my family for summer vacation. We slept in a tent. I slept walked one night and when I woke up, I was by myself deep in the canyon. I was scared. I didn’t know my way back.

I started to cry. I heard, “Hey, what’s wrong?” I looked down and saw an armadillo looking up at me.

I said, “I’m lost.”

The armadillo said, “Are you hungry?”

I said, “Yes, how did you know?”

The armadillo said, “You look hungry.”

The armadillo lead me to a brazen-berry bush. I ate handfuls. They were better than candy.

The armadillo said, “Would you like to meet my family?”

I said, “Yes, that would be nice.”

The armadillo said, “Oh, by the way, I’m Rrrrrrrrrrd.”

I said, “I’m Brooks.”

The armadillo brought me to a cave. Inside were 7 other armadillos. They introduced themselves: Blinkie, Poop-a-doo, Omba-bomba, Wich-a-woo, Slammer, Pillpot, and Ricocheter.

They taught me how to curl up and roll around like a crazy ball.