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Someone left the manhole cover off, so I fell into the sewer.

I landed in the dank morass, but I didn’t mind because if it were hard ground, I might have injured my feet and/or legs.

I rode the current of the sewer rapids for roughly a half hour, then was promptly ejected out off a cliff side into the ocean below.

The ocean’s water was colder, so it took me a few minutes to adapt.

While treading water, a whale sidled up next to me.

The whale said, “You smell.”

I explained that I’d recently been traveling in sewer water.

The whale said, “Oh, then it should soon go away.”

I said, “I’m hoping so.”

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Top picker

Top picker

Me: God?

God: Yes, what is it now, Brooks?

Me: I wish I was really good, maybe even the best at something.

God: You are. I made you the best nose picker that’s ever been.

Me: Really? You mean that?

God: You’re my pride and joy.

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Dumbability

Dumbability

God and I were fishing at the fishing hole.

God caught a fish every five minutes.

God said, “I noticed that you haven’t caught anything.”

I said, “It’s not fair because you’re the almighty and I’m just a dumb person.”

God said, “Would you be happy if I made you God?”

I said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!!”

God snapped fingers and said, “Okay.”

A half-hour later, I still hadn’t caught a fish.

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The Benefit of Snacks

The Benefit of Snacks

I was walking along the edge of the Earth and I wasn’t looking where I was going and I fell off.

I fell for a long while. Though it wasn’t like taking a nose dive off a cliff. I was plunging in space so it was slow and thick like I was an ant that fell into a jar of molasses.

After a couple of days I couldn’t see the Earth anymore. Luckily, I had a lot of snacks stuffed into my jacket and pants pockets. I’m big into eating and sometimes there are no food stores around.

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My birth story

I was a stork birth.

As a baby, a stork dropped me from the sky and into a chimney. There was a fire going, but I was okay because I was wearing asbestos diapers. Storks knew the possibilities and planned ahead.

My parents were sitting by the fire at the time. They were surprised. But also good reactors and pulled me from the fireplace.

They named me Brooks because they were both fans of water but felt Ocean would have given me a big head.

I was a cute baby and the next day they got me an agent, and the day after that I was cast in a Pampers commercial. It was very popular and seen by President Nixon who declared me the Nation’s Baby Laureate.