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I like to stand

I like to stand

I like to stand. I’m standing while I write this.

I don’t like sitting. I never crouch. Nor lie down. I sleep standing up.

Standing is it for me. I like to feel tall. I enjoy looking down at the ground.

Now and then I’ll look up at the sky. But it makes me feel small and then I remember why I don’t do it often.

I walk. Walking is standing in motion. I walk everywhere. Otherwise I’d have to sit in a car seat. And you know how I feel about sitting.

I come from a family of standers. My mom gave birth to me standing up. I landed on my feet, hanging onto the umbilical cord for support.

When I go to the movies, I stand up. I stand up in the very back of the theater so as not to get in the way of the sitters.

I have friends that sit and lie down. I’m friends with them because they don’t question my love for standing. When we hang out, they sit, I stand.

Because of my constant standing, I have incredibly well developed calves. I work often as a leg model.

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Non-deleterious stories

Non-deleterious stories

I collect penguins. I go down to Antarctica three times a year and find more penguins. I bring them back and they live in my backyard. I must have over 150 back there now. I’m not good with exact numbers.

When I get stressed out, I sit in a chair in the backyard while the penguins walk around me and I feel better. This is the case even though they are filthy and noisy creatures.

They are not affectionate. They hate to be pet. They walk a wide berth around me, rather than come near me. Yet, I can’t get enough of them.

I’m friends with a tree named, Puth. Puth lives in a park near my home.

I go to the park and I sit at the base of Puth and we talk. I talk about things like how I only like to wear t-shirts rather than any other kind of shirt. And I bring recent t-shirts with me and I try them on and show them to Puth. Puth tells me which ones look good on me.

Puth tells me about things it sees at night when the park is closed. For instance, Puth told me about a pack of coyotes that formed a pyramid with their bodies. I said I wish I could have seen that. Puth said I would have liked it.

I like to sit in a chair in my room and look out the window. There is nothing else in the room. I never care much to look at things indoors. I prefer the outdoors. But I don’t like to spend too much time outside, except for my trips to Antarctica or the park, because there are more chances to be killed outside than in.

I like to look at the sun cascading over different things, like cars, or the sidewalk. I really like to look up at planes in the sky. I’m a big fan of watching grass, especially if there’s a little wind to blow the blades.

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You can never win with Copernicus

You can never win with Copernicus

My friend, Nicolaus Copernicus is in love with life. He is the opposite of me. I think everything is terrible and problematic. I think this is what makes us such good buddies.

For instance, today I woke up with a bad case of the hiccups. I hiccuped so much that the legs of my bed broke. I go so angry at my bed that I chopped it up, threw it outside, and set it on fire. The flames leapt in the air and traveled to Copernicus’ house, which is next door to mine.

His entire house and laboratory burned down. All his research and telescopes were destroyed by the flames. Instead of fretting in despair, he took the time to walk around the flames and ponder. It intuitively came to him that everything rotates around the Sun.

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Spooky Action

Spooky Action

I got two new dogs. One is named Bowser, the other Fitit. They are brother and sister. They often walk together so closely you can’t see space between them.

But the other day, Fitit got out of the yard, leaving Bowser behind. I went looking for her for a day, but unfortunately had no luck.

Bowser felt pretty down without Fitit, and would stay curled up in his doggy bed. But then one day I heard Bowser barking in the living room, and I came in to check out what all the fuss was about. Bowser was floating in the middle of the room. He slowly rotated sideways and then upside down.

I had to get a ladder to bring Bowser back to the ground. But when I let go of him, he floated back up like he was a helium balloon. I didn’t know what to make of it.

That’s when I got a phone call. I answered and it was from the International Space Station. They said they had just found Fitit on board. They knew how to contact me because my phone number was on her collar.

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Lunch with a new friend

Lunch with a new friend

I had lunch today with Dark Matter. I’d heard it was 85% of the Universe, yet unknown to everyone. I wanted to get to know it.

First thing I learned, Dark Matter really likes pasta. It ordered spaghetti with turkey meatballs. It poured a big quantity of Parmesan cheese on the noodles. It ate it all in one big bite, but took a half hour to chew it thoroughly.

Second, I learned that Dark Matter is a fancy dresser. It wore a confetti-spangled aluminum like fabric shirt. Dark Matter said it couldn’t be seen, so it wore the shirt so it wouldn’t look like I was eating by myself. I asked what the shirt was made of. Dark Matter said rayon. I asked what it liked about rayon. Dark Matter said, “It’s soft.”

Third, Dark Matter has never seen a movie or television. Not even the Matrix, or Back to the Future. I asked Dark Matter if I could take it to a movie after lunch. Dark Matter thanked me but said it wasn’t interested. I moped, but it wouldn’t change its mind.