What happened after I fell off the mountain

What happened after I fell off the mountain

I was hiking the mountain when I slipped and fell. I was scared because I imagined when I landed it would hurt. That feeling was replaced by adoring the sensation of falling. Since the body doesn’t have to support itself when falling, it relaxes. I couldn’t remember when I’d felt that at ease.

Not soon after that I landed in something springy, which turned out to be a massive spider web. I looked over and saw a spider as big as two trucks crawling towards me. I was scared because spiders are terrifying. But I realized I felt that way because of monster movies I’d seen with frightening looking spiders, particularly Arachnophobia. I relaxed and was fascinated by the way its eight legs moved with such coordinated synchrony.

The spider came over and wrapped me in a web cocoon. I figured he was saving me to eat later. The cocoon was soft and relaxing. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up I felt I’d never slept so deep.

I was next to a giraffe also wrapped in a cocoon. The giraffe and I got to talking. We talked about our favorite movies. Mine was the Godfather. The giraffe’s was The Apple Dumpling Gang. I said I’d tried to watch it once, but lost interest and stopped. The giraffe said I ought to give it a second chance. I said I might.

It was around then when the spider came towards me. There was saliva dripping off its foot long fangs. I thought it must be hungry because sometimes that happens to me. Recently I was making a cheese sandwich and while I was spreading the mayo, saliva leaked out of my mouth and onto my shirt.

All about what I had for dinner

All about what I had for dinner

I rode in my time-machine to March 4, 1809, Washington DC, the White House, front lawn, 4 in the afternoon. Through the window I saw President James Madison standing and looking out at me. He had the puzzled and dazed look which always happens when someone sees me appear out of nowhere. It’s the brain saying, “That’s not possible.” I waved. He looked okay again and waved back. Everybody feels okay when you wave.

President Madison came out to greet me. We shook hands and offered up our names. He wanted to know about my sudden appearance and my traveling machine. I said, “I’m a time-traveler and I came to see you.” It’s what I usually say. If I just said the first part of that sentence, back would come the befuddled gaze. But letting the person know I came to see them makes them feel really good about themselves, and the time-travel becomes a triviality.

I said, “Congratulations on becoming President!” He’d been inaugurated at noon that day. He thanked me. I said, “The history books say that you are the greatest of all leaders that have ever, ever lived.” He gushed a river of tears, held my hands, thanked me, and invited me to a stately dinner of roast goose, earth nut peas, and taro corms. I didn’t know what the historians actually said. But I was hungry and flattery is foolproof for getting well fed.

Flower-headed critter grants  me my wish

Flower-headed critter grants me my wish

I got in my time-machine and went back in time about 200 million years ago. My Casio Deluxe Timer 2100 is precise in time up to 1,375,000 years in the past and 112,000 years in the future. Anything beyond that is shaky. It’s a we’ll see where we end up dice-shaker.

The Timex Triple-Timer 180000 is spot on to a nano second to anytime in the past or future. But it costs a lottery amount of money I don’t have yet. I have high time hopes!

Anyway, I got out of my time-machine about 200 million years in the past. No buildings. Hazy skies. A great deal of burbling swamps. Vast wing-spanned creatures circling the skies. A lot of ants going places. Ants back then look like ants now. Ants are common in the future too. They’ve got those wowzer genes built for the long haul.

I came upon a Triceratops nibbling on a beat up bush. Back then anything tree-like looked like it had been in a fight.

I love Triceratops. They’re it for me dinosaur wise. They have a built in crown that looks like the creature is part flower.

I turned on my Casio WATS? 12 (What are they saying?) It turns what you say into what the listener understands, and the same thing for the things they utter.

I said hi to the Triceratops. It told me its name was Camperbittyboo. It asked me where I was from. I said a distant land. Animals and reptiles don’t understand time. Actually you want to avoid trying because it frustrates critters and they try and eat you so you stop talking.

Critters are intuitive and Camperbittyboo asked if I would like to ride on its back. That’s all I’d been thinking about. But I’m not good at expressing my needs. I figure everything knows what I want. I’m patient and can wait a long while. I’m still waiting for God to give me the ability to walk on water. I figure that’s all I need to hit the big time.

Odd Occurrence in the Desert

Odd Occurrence in the Desert

My car busted down driving through Arizona. I tried calling roadside assistance but I couldn’t get a signal. I lifted the hood and looked at the engine. I said, “Car, what’s wrong?” The car was silent.

I looked out at the desert. I looked back at my car and it was gone. I looked all round and nothing. The temperature dropped, the wind picked up, and it started to rain. I began to shake.

I saw a big cactus in the distance. I ran towards it seeking shelter. The running warmed me.

I got to the cactus and leaned against its trunk, avoiding the needles. The wind and rain were blocked. But my clothes were soaked and I began to shiver. I soon began shaking so much that I accidentally bumped into the needles.

I looked back at at the freeway and saw my car. It was parked in the same spot before its disappearance. Smoke was coming from the exhaust pipe. I ran back to my car.

The car was running. I opened the door and got in. The heat was turned on. I warmed up and my shivers stopped.

I said, “Car, where did you go?” My car said, “I didn’t go anywhere.” I said, “You stopped and then disappeared.” My car said, “I was tired. I took a nap. Are you okay? It looks like you have some blood on your shirt.”

I lifted my shirt and saw that the cactus needle wounds were red and a little swollen. Plus they itched. I put a little spit on my finger tips and applied them to my hurts. The itching went away.



I woke up to flashing and flickering lights. I looked out the window and saw the tree was on fire. I ran outside, turned on the hose, and sprayed the tree with water. The fire didn’t dim. I kept watering.

The flames were intense. But I noticed the tree wasn’t being hurt. It was like the tree was emanating a massive scrambling halo.

I shut off the water. I got really close to the tree. I put my hand in the fire. I didn’t get burned. I hugged the tree. The flames were warm.

I backed away from the tree. The flames engulfed me. I ran around my backyard and the flames trailed off me like a cape. I called myself Fireman.

A raccoon, opossum, a family of mice, and a badger ran skipping behind me.

I got tired and lay down on the grass. The animals ran back and forth over me, squealing their sounds.

I fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning. The flames were gone. Even though I was just wearing a night shirt, and my skin and clothes were covered with dew, I felt warm.