Brooks’ Recent Posts

 

  • Someone left the manhole cover off, so I fell into the sewer.

    I landed in the dank morass, but I didn’t mind because if it were hard ground, I might have injured my feet and/or legs.

    I rode the current of the sewer rapids for roughly a half hour, then was promptly ejected out off a cliff side into the ocean below.

    The ocean’s water was colder, so it took me a few minutes to adapt.

    While treading water, a whale sidled up next to me.

    The whale said, “You smell.”

    I explained that I’d recently been traveling in sewer water.

    The whale said, “Oh, then it should soon go away.”

    I said, “I’m hoping so.”

  • Top picker

    Me: God?

    God: Yes, what is it now, Brooks?

    Me: I wish I was really good, maybe even the best at something.

    God: You are. I made you the best nose picker that’s ever been.

    Me: Really? You mean that?

    God: You’re my pride and joy.

  • Dumbability

    God and I were fishing at the fishing hole.

    God caught a fish every five minutes.

    God said, “I noticed that you haven’t caught anything.”

    I said, “It’s not fair because you’re the almighty and I’m just a dumb person.”

    God said, “Would you be happy if I made you God?”

    I said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!!”

    God snapped fingers and said, “Okay.”

    A half-hour later, I still hadn’t caught a fish.

  • The Benefit of Snacks

    I was walking along the edge of the Earth and I wasn’t looking where I was going and I fell off.

    I fell for a long while. Though it wasn’t like taking a nose dive off a cliff. I was plunging in space so it was slow and thick like I was an ant that fell into a jar of molasses.

    After a couple of days I couldn’t see the Earth anymore. Luckily, I had a lot of snacks stuffed into my jacket and pants pockets. I’m big into eating and sometimes there are no food stores around.

  • My birth story

    I was a stork birth.

    As a baby, a stork dropped me from the sky and into a chimney. There was a fire going, but I was okay because I was wearing asbestos diapers. Storks knew the possibilities and planned ahead.

    My parents were sitting by the fire at the time. They were surprised. But also good reactors and pulled me from the fireplace.

    They named me Brooks because they were both fans of water but felt Ocean would have given me a big head.

    I was a cute baby and the next day they got me an agent, and the day after that I was cast in a Pampers commercial. It was very popular and seen by President Nixon who declared me the Nation’s Baby Laureate.

  • Another bad choice

    I had it with gravity today and lifted off the ground and joined a flock of butterflies.

    I turned out I didn’t care for their erratic nature of flying.

    I tried to keep up with them as they jerkily flit in and around flowers trying to get pollen, and I ended up hurting my back.

    I wish I’d joined the seagulls instead. They were languidly wind sailing way up in the sky. But I was too lazy to put in the effort to reach them.

  • Shadowless

    I was born without a shadow.

    My parents were distraught. They spent a great deal of money on lighting to help bring about my shadow, but to no avail.

    When I got older, I was approached by people who wanted to sell me a shadow, but the cost was prohibitive.

  • My bright friend

    I like to tunnel to the center of the Earth. I use my hands. I don’t care for shovels. Shovels give me blisters.

    My hands are great scoopers. And they’re fast. They move at the same rate as hummingbird wings.

    All total, it usually takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to an hour thirty. That includes a five minute rester.

    I’m fond of these trips because the center of the Earth is a good friend of mine. We talk for hours on end.

    The other night we talked forever about radishes. Neither of us likes them, but we can’t help purchasing them when we go to the grocery store. We can’t get enough of their pinkish glow.

  • The sky’s the limit

    I asked the sky, “How did you get your job?”

    The sky said, “I sent in my resume and went through a few interviews. I shared about past jobs like when I was the space inside a Del Monte string bean can, and then the space in a 1987 Ford Aerostar minivan, I even included when I was the ample empty space inside your skull.”

    I said, “No wonder you seem familiar.”

  • From the mice to the bears!

    I just finished the 21st draft of the yours truly Brooks story memoir.

    👍 I’ve printed up four copies and I’m going to distribute them to well thought out appropriate places.

    🐁 The first I’ll drop off where the field meets the forest. This will allow the creatures from both worlds to read my book. Or as I like to say, from the mice to the bears. 🐻

    🎲 The second one I’ll set down on a folding table at the Soak-n-Suds laundromat in Ottumwa, Iowa. I have a lot of fans in this charming city that also like doing laundry.

    🔄 The third one I’ll drop in my recycling bin because I really like to recycle.

    🗽 The fourth one I’ll leave on a bench on 59th Street in Manhattan. It’s a bench right next to Central Park that a lot of publishers sit at for lunch. I’ve heard this is how J.D. Salinger got A Catcher in the Rye published.

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