Brooks’ Recent Posts


  • The Secret World of Brooks

    I often daydreamed when I was a kid in school. The teacher would be going on and on about the subject they were paid to teach and I would be imagining the Secret World of Brooks. It was a dazzling world.

    In this hidden to others land, the Sun would come down from the sky and we would hang out. The Sun and I couldn’t get enough of each other’s company. The Sun would say, “You’re the Brookiest!,” and I would say, “Sun, you’re the best burning ball in the sky!”

    The Sun and I would hold hands and the skin on my hand never got burnt.

    Sometimes I would run on the Sun while it rolled under my feet. It was like a burning treadmill.

    I also had secret discussions with my desk. The desk was all one piece desk and chair. I remember once saying to to my desk, “Hey, Desk?” The desk said, “Yeah, Brooks?” I said, “Do you mind me sitting on you?” My desk said, “Brooks, I can’t hold you up any longer!” I felt badly and stood up. My teacher said, “Brooks, please sit down.” I looked back at the chair and then back at the teacher. The teacher said, “Brooks, if I have to tell you again, you’ll get detention.” My chair said, “Brooks, I was just joking, sit back down.” I sat back down. I said to my desk, “You got me that time, Desk.”

    Even though I daydreamed through the majority of my classes, I got good grades. When we were given a test, I asked my pencil, “Would you answer these questions for me?” My pencil’s name was Stan and it was really smart. Stan the Pencil said, “Sure, Brooks.” The pencil began writing away while I hung out in the Fred Zone. I still have Stan the Pencil. Stan no longer answers tests for me. Mostly we watch movies together.

  • Taking my brain for a walk

    My brain popped out of my head through my ear and landed on the floor. I said, “What are you doing down there?” My brain said, “I need some fresh air.” I said, “Okay, how about I take you outside for a walk?” My brain said, “I would like that!”

    I picked up my brain, held it under my arm, and went outside. My brain said, “Wow, it’s beautiful out here.” I said, “I’m glad you like it.” My brain, “It’s so nice to feel the breeze. I’ve never felt breeze before. And the sun’s rays are so nicely warm!”

    The neighbor’s dog Wickle came up and said, “What’s that you got under your arm there, Brooks?” I said, “It’s my brain.” Wickle the dog said, “Can I eat it?” I said, “No, I’m gonna need it later.” Wickle said, “Can I at least smell it?” I said, “Sure.” I lowered my brain to Wickle who sniffed and started to lick my brain. My brain laughed and said, “Oh, it tickles!”

  • My made-to-order fruit tree

    I have a fruit tree in my backyard that makes fruit to order. I go out to the tree. The tree says, “Yes, Brooks?” I request a particular piece of fruit. The tree says, “Okay, it will be a few minutes.” I take a seat in a chair next to the tree. There’s a small table next to the tree with a few magazines and a tip jar.

    After a moment the tree produces the requested fruit, or something very near it. Once I asked for a Stayman apple and I got a Fuji instead.

    I remove the fruit from the branch and eat the fruit. Sometimes it’s a grape. Sometimes a watermelon. Today I had a papaya.

    The rest of the time the tree has no fruit on any of its branches. I asked once why it won’t make unordered fruit. The tree said, “It’s a lot of work to make fruit. If you don’t want any, I’m not gonna waste my time.”

  • My jaunt to the North Pole

    I took a trip up to the North Pole today. I’d never been there before. I like to go to where I’ve never been. When I get to the new place I take a moment to notice the change from having not been there to being there. It’s subtle but worth it.

    So anyway, I drove north till I got to the top of Canada. Then I flicked the switch in my car which folded the wheels in and turned my car into a boat. I traveled north on the Arctic Sea. A flock of seals challenged me to a race. It was close, but they won.

    Once I got to the ice land I flicked another switch which brought back my tires, three times their normal size with spikes. I continued north. I picked up a hitchhiking polar bear. I asked him where he was going. He said, “Nowhere in particular. I’ve never ridden in a car and I’d like to see what it’s like.”

    I arrived at the pole. The polar bear got out with me. We looked at the pole. I told the polar bear what I told you earlier about the transition from not having been somewhere to actually being there. He took my hand with his paw and said, “You’re right, Brooks, it is exquisite.”

  • Having lunch with the rhinoceros

    Earlier today I saw out the back window a rhinoceros eating my cherry tree. I  went outside and said, “I’m sorry to interrupt you.” The rhinoceros stopped eating and said, “Yes, what?” I said, “I’m Brooks, what’s your name?” The rhinoceros said, “Beldon.” I said, “Beldon, can I make you a sandwich?” Beldon said, “What kind of sandwich?” I said, “Either bologna or cheese. Or both together.” Beldon said, “I would like both.” I said, “Okay, come on in.”  Beldon and I went into my house.

    Beldon sat at the kitchen table while I made the sandwich. Beldon said, “You have a nice kitchen.” I said, “Thanks.” Beldon said, “How long have you lived here?” I said, “Three-and-a-half years.”

    Beldon said, “Where did you live before that?” I said, “I spent a little over a year traveling in my space ship. Usually I would camp out mid-space. I visited Mercury for the first time. I’d been wanting to go for a while. It was nice. Like spending time on a giant bowling ball. There were no trees because the close proximity of the Sun burns everything.”

    Beldon said, “How come your space ship didn’t burn?” I said, “Teflon coating.”

    I brought the bologna and cheese sandwich on a plate to Beldon. I sat across from him and watched him eat the sandwich. Beldon stopped and looked up and said, “Why are you staring at me?” I said, “I just realized I’m hungry too.” Beldon said, “Would you like some of mine?” I said, “Thanks, that would be nice.”

  • Skating on Saturn’s rings

    I got in my rocket ship and flew to the rings of Saturn. I parked just outside, put on my spacesuit and ice skates, got out, and began to skate on the rings. They are solid ice and multicolored, so it was like skating on a rainbow. It’s like the 12th time I’ve done it and it never gets old.

    I did two laps around the rings. It allowed me to clear my thoughts. I love living on the Earth, but with all the people on the planet, it can sometimes be hard to think clearly.

    I got back in my spaceship and had a bowl of SpaghettiOs. For desert I had a caramel-coated apple.

    I was looking out the window when an asteroid passed by. The asteroid looked startled when I waved. Not everyone is as naturally friendly as me.

  • Fun with falling

    Today I got out of bed and fell for a long, long, long while. While I was falling, I wondered what happened to the floor? It was there last night when I went to bed. And how was my bed not falling? It seems that my bed should have been falling along with me.

    I counted the seconds as I fell. I figured that 15 seconds of falling equaled a half mile. I’d counted to 350 seconds. That was over two miles. I continued counting.

    I looked down and didn’t see I was approaching any kind of ground. After 20,000 seconds I stopped counting. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the air. It was relaxing and I fell asleep.

    I had a dream where I was a turtle. I was sunning myself on a beach. The sun felt good on my shell. I started to hum. A seagull landed next to me. The seagull said, “That’s some amazing humming. I said, “Thanks. The seagull said, “What’s the name of that song you’re humming?” I said it was called Life is the Best Chewing Gum. The seagull said, “What are the words to the song?” I said, “It’s an instrumental.”

    I woke back up. I was still falling.

    Suddenly I landed on a cloud. The cloud said, “Hey, what the hell!?!” I said, “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” The cloud said, “No, but you startled me.” I apologized again. The cloud said, “That’s okay. My name is Percibal.” I said, “I’m Brooks. It’s really nice up here.” The cloud said, “Tell me about it!”

  • Hanging out with my ghost buddy Abe

    I was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. He showed up suddenly and said, “Hey, Brooks!” I said, “Hi, Abe!” He’s been visiting me every Friday afternoon for the past seven years. I asked him why once. He said, “I don’t know why.” I said, “That’s good enough for me.”

    Abe said, “Can we visit the beehive?” I said, “Yeah!” There’s a big beehive out in the woods behind my house. We went out to the beehive. Ghosts can’t be stung, so Abe stuck his ghost hand up into the hive and the honey came flowing out. Honey is one of the three foods that ghosts can eat. The other two are pomegranates and oatmeal raisin cookies.

    While bees flew through and around Abe, he put his head under the hive and drank the honey like water from a spigot. Abe finished and said, “Your turn.” I said, “No, thanks. I’m stingable remember.” He said, “Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re not dead. But when you finally keel over, it’s your turn.” I said, “It’s a deal!”

  • All about the castle I discovered on my walk

    I was out for a walk when I came upon a castle. It’s funny how you don’t notice something, and then one day you do.

    I went up to the castle and knocked. The knock echoed through the house. I heard footsteps approaching. The door opened slowly with a creak.

    A butler answered the door. He was startled and said, “Monsieur Brooks!”

    I said, “Yes?”

    The butler said, “We’ve been very worried about you. It’s wonderful to have you back home.”

    I didn’t say anything. When stuff is really mysterious and confusing, I like to stay silent. I figure I need my wits about me.

    I said, “Thanks, Mr. Butler.”

    The butler laughed and said, “Oh, sir. I’ve missed your humor.”

    I went in. The room was as high as a redwood tree and was the length of a football field. I whistled. The whistle echoed back and forth a full minute.

    Three maids and another butler came from other rooms. They smiled and expressed their joys at seeing me. The chef came into the room and said, “Brooksie! It’s been so long! I’m going to cook you a fantastic feast!” and left for what I imagined was the kitchen.

    The butler took my crown and said, “I’m going to give this a good polish!” He left and went to a different room.

    The rest of the butlers and maids looked at me with enthusiasm. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s good to be back?” They nodded and went off to other rooms.

    I wandered around. I found a room with a 1000 foot swimming pool. Another was stacked two hundred feet high with Bubble Yum and Bazooka Joe gum. I discovered a room with a massive aquarium occupied with two whales who said, “Hi, B!” And still another room which was a massive closet that contained hundreds of red shirts with a plus-sign on the chest.

    I found the bedroom. It was much smaller then the other rooms. It had a regular sized bed. There was an old TV on a stand. There was no remote control. I turned it on by hand. It took a while for it to warm up. The picture was in black and white. It was a show about two dogs and a cat. I sat on bed and watched the show.

  • Dealing with the whirlpool

    I have a pond in my backyard. I went out there this morning and was surprised to discover a whirlpool right in the middle of it. The water was rapidly spinning. A duck landed in the pond and got sucked right down under the water.

    I told the whirlpool, “Excuse me but would you please stop doing this?” The whirlpool said, “Don’t tell me what to do.” I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m telling you. Also please release the duck.”

    Nothing changed.

    I asked the whirlpool nicely again, but it gave me a smirk and continued right on spinning.

    I jumped into the whirlpool. I swam against the spin. It was hard at first and I felt myself starting to get sucked down just like the duck. So I swam harder. The whirlpool tried to spin faster. But pretty soon it got weaker. And then the whirlpool was gone and the pond was back to normal.

    The duck popped out of the water. It took a moment to catch its breath. I asked the duck if it was okay. The duck said, “Yes, Fred!”

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