Brooks’ Recent Posts

 

  • 3 things that happened to me

    I was upset at the sky. No particular reason. It rubbed me the wrong way. The sky took it personally and filled with clouds. It soon started to rain. The ground didn’t like this and told me I needed to friend myself with the sky. I said that wouldn’t be honest to my feelings. The ground began to shake. I got the message and looked up at the sky and fake professed my love and asked for forgiveness. I guess because the sky was far away, it didn’t catch on to my false nature. The rain stopped and the clouds split. The sun spurt me with its rays. I nodded, pretending that I liked it.

    One of the otters at the zoo said something disparaging to my wife. She looked at me to say something to them. I didn’t want to get in a fight with her so I said something mean-spirited back to the otter. Another otter, defending the original otter, said something fowl about my demeanor. That got my goat and I sent a barrage of vile word bombs back. The rest of the otters yelled upsetting statements my way. I jumped the metal fence, landed in the otter’s pool, and got into physical altercations with the otters en masse. Some employees of the zoo jumped in and pulled me back on land. I was seething, wet, and smelled badly because otters peed in that water. I went with my wife to the gift shop and bought myself sweat pants and a jacket with the zoo’s insignia. Then we went to see the bears.

    I’d had enough and tunneled to the Core of the Earth. The Core was in a bad mood and asked what I was doing there. I said I’d needed to get away from things. The Core asked me to leave. I said that I couldn’t right away because I was tired from all the tunneling. The Core sighed hard and asked how long I would need to rest up. I said I didn’t know, maybe a couple of hours. The Core sighed harder and tried to ignore me. I attempted to rest but it was hard to relax because the atmosphere was tense. The Core kept looking at its watch and sighing. In an attempt to soften the strained relations, I asked what was bugging the Core so much anyway. The Core said something about how it was its birthday was yesterday and no one remembered. I didn’t care a tiny ounce about the Core’s birthday but in an attempt to lesson its ire I mumbled something along the lines of Happy Birthday. The Core thanked me and asked why I needed to get away from things. I said every two weeks I get my fill of dumb stuff and go to some isolated place. Two weeks ago I’d gone to the Moon and spent a long day listening to the Moon complain that no one ever calls it by its name, Poultice Jones.

  • Another argument with God

    I have a statue of God out in my front yard. I didn’t put it there. God is a good friend of mine and thought I would like it and had it delivered. It’s fourteen feet tall and made of brass.

    The thing is the elements tarnished the brass over time and it ended up looking crappy. I spent two days scouring the statue with harsh cleansers and stainless steel heavy-weight pads.

    God came over the next day, looked at the metal effigy, commenting I was lucky to have such a good friend who would give me such a shiny statue. I mentioned that, yes, I have a good friend, and the statue shined due to my efforts. God said I embarrassed myself in my false claim to the effulgence.

    I kicked over the statue. God told me to pick it back up. I refused. God struggled to right the metallic likeness and gave up due to a strained back muscle.

  • I hum a lot

    I hum a lot. Often people ask me what I said. I tell them I didn’t say anything. I was humming. They say that I must really like humming. I concur.

    I hum most of the time. I even hum when I’m swimming under water. I’m a loud hummer, so much so that when the sound bubbles reach the surface, I’m told they sound like a motor boat. People swimming near-bye will panic, thinking they are about to be hit by a reckless boat driver.

    I like to lean against trees too. Though I do it less than humming. About half as much time. But I’m most often humming when I lean against a tree. It feels good to do two things I like at the same time.

  • Three stories where things were difficult and got better

    I went over to God’s house. There was trash all over the place. God was sprawled on the couch watching some stupid movie on Netflix. I asked if God wanted to go out for a walk. God murmured something. I unplugged the TV. God threw a fit and got up to plug the TV back in and tripped over a pizza box. It was one of those falls where the fall-ee is so dulled that they can’t react in time and hit the ground full force. God is dense, so it shook the ground and blew out neighborhood windows and set off some car alarms. God lay there in a stupor. I got down on the floor next to God and snapped our picture. I went for a walk to CVS and got them to one-hour photo a 36×48 image. They sold me a frame. The framed picture hangs over my couch illuminated by a spotlight.

    Ants invaded my house. I got upset and yelled at them. None of them noticed. I went to formicidae.com to see what I should do. They suggested doing what I could to make the ants comfortable. The thing is ants have extremely low self-esteem. They can’t stand it if you treat them well. So I got down on the ground with a pen and notebook and I said, “I’m really glad you’re here, ants! You look amazing! Let me know what you’d like, and I’ll move heaven and earth to get it.” The ants stopped their tiny feet tromping and began to shake. They looked like they were being cooked from the inside. The few that didn’t keel over managed to move and made it out through the crack between the floor and the wall. I got out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the remains of the tumult.

    I climbed to the top of the mountain. It took me a good five-and-a-half hours. When I got there, I sat on the tippy-top. The mountain said, “Hey, would you mind not sitting there?” I said, “I’m tired. I need to rest.” The mountain said, “That’s not my problem.” I said, “Could you give me a minute?” The mountain said, “Just get the hell off of me!” I stood up. I said, “Is this okay?” The mountain said, “Yes, thanks.” I said, “What’s the difference between me sitting or standing on the same spot?” The mountain said, “One feels good, the other doesn’t.”

  • Things which happened that involve animals and some insects

    There was a fire at the zoo. Many of the animals escaped. A giraffe made it to my door and knocked. I answered. The giraffe asked if it could live in my backyard. I agreed. That night I was awoken by the giraffe knocking on my bedroom window. I asked what was up. The giraffe said it was lonesome. Since giraffes sleep standing up, I let it sleep with its head on the bed next to me.

    I dug a hole in my backyard. Water came gushing out. I’d hit the water main. The backyard flooded. Two swans flew down and landed on my lake. I nodded to them. They ignored me.

    I was gone for a day. When I came back, I found my kitchen overrun with rats. They were helping themselves to the food in my pantry. One of the rats asked if I could open my refrigerator. I opened the refrigerator. Rats went in and started eating the food. They stayed inside while they ate because they like cool temperatures.

    I answered the door. It was a water buffalo named Max. Max was selling subscriptions to Grit, “America’s Greatest Family Newspaper.” I subscribed. The next day I got the first delivery. My attention was drawn to an article on the front page, “The Sun’s Name Discovered: Theodore Powser.”

    I woke up to ants crawling across my bed sheets. There was an uproar because I moved, causing a number of the ants to lose their balance and fall over. I lay still and asked how much longer it would take. One of the ants said, “When we’re done, we’ll let you know.”

    I went to see a movie at my local theater. A bear sat in front of me. The bear talked loudly to its friend a peacock. The peacock answered back with high pitch screams. I leaned forward and asked if they could keep it down. The bear and peacock apologized. Things were quiet. I fell asleep since I was tired from the previous long night of canning pears. I was woken by a butterfly usher who said some of the patrons complained about my snoring.

  • So far, today

    Things that happened so far today:

    1. I woke up tired. I made my way to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. The me looking back said, “Why the long face?” I said to that me, “I didn’t sleep well.” The me looking back said, “What if you went back to bed?” I nodded and went back into the bedroom and got under the covers. I laid there for a while, looking at the ceiling. I sighed. From the bathroom I heard, “Are you still awake?” I said, “Yes.” I heard, “I’m gonna sing you a lullaby…Look at me, look at me, I’m a tree and I’m two-hundred and twenty-three!” I was asleep in seconds.
    2. When I woke back up I felt better and decided to make myself pancakes. The water had been shut off for a week due to a debacle at the local water plant. The resulting pancakes were crumbles and powdery. They were delicious!
    3. I went for a walk. I passed by the water plant. I knocked on the door. One of the workers opened the door. I asked, “How long until the water gets turned back on?” The water plant worker said, “Maybe in another week. Maybe.” I said, “What are you doing for drinking water?” The worker said, “I’ve been drinking a lot of soda. How about you?” I said, “My brother–in-law is the pastor at St. Stevens. He’s been letting me drink from the holy water.” The worker said, “What’s that like?” I said, “It gives me indigestion at the same time as acceptance of the discomfort.”
  • As far as I could go

    I rode in my boat to the Arctic Ocean. It was a rowboat. My hands hurt. But when I landed on a floating Arctic ice sheet and put my hands in the snow, they began to feel relief.

    I pushed my boat away from the ice sheet. I watched it drift away.

    I walked North. I wasn’t cold. I wore a shawl, three sweatshirts, lambswool pants, whale skin boots, and a space helmet. The space helmet kept out the cold and wind, though it fogged up often, and was the cause of multiple trippings.

    After miles of trudging, I walked into the North pole itself and slightly cracked the plastic front of the helmet. The surprise benefit was the fogging ceased.

    I hugged the pole. I was lonely. It brought me comfort.

    I heard, “Get a room.”

    I turned to discover a polar bear a few feet from me.

    I un-hugged the pole. I said I was tired and only resting.

    The polar bear came closer, its nose was within an inch of my face. It pulled off my space helmet and stroked my face with a rough paw. I pet the polar bear’s furry face. We touched foreheads.

    I asked the polar bear if it was hungry. It said it was.

    I brought out two cookies from my pocket. They were chocolate chip.

  • Better Late Than Dead! The Book

    Are you looking to laugh? Better Late Than Dead just might be of assistance in that area. Humorist Brooks Palmer helps pull the rug out from under the seriousness of life. With his words of wisdom, short stories, and cartoons, he pokes fun at the human condition in a way that is inclusive and hilarious. Order it today!

    “Brooks Palmer is the Philosopher King of Comedy. He is a time-traveling yogi who speaks with God and listens in on the Sun and the Moon as they quarrel. He is the master of the anti-punchline. His comedy is a Möbius strip of depth and simplicity forming one continuous side of thought-provoking, philosophical humor, always with a unique point of view. This book is his invitation to go on a journey with him and seethe universe in a different way. Trust me, you will feel special having made the trip.”
    Craig Shaynak , author of Fat, Bald, and Loud

    Better Late Than Dead! is a hilarious collection of cartoons and writings that one might think could have only been concocted by a hybrid of Shel Silverstein and Jack Handey. But fortunately the delightfully twisted mind of Brooks Palmer has done it instead. His observations on life and quirky encounters with God and a host of random characters (like the ghost of Woodrow Wilson and Igor Stravinsky) made me laugh with every page. “
    Marc Hartzman , author of American Sideshow and The Embalmed Head of Oliver Cromwell: A Memoir

    “Sly, witty, wise and humorous in a satisfyingly subtle way that no mere comedian or comic writer could possibly match, this is a book that you will ponder over, read out loud to friends, and read to yourself again and again — the first time with delight, and after that with an appreciation for just how original a work it really is.”
    Michael Antman, author of Cherry Whip (ENC Press)

  • Quarters!

    I was tossing a quarter into the wishing well when due to my enthusiasm I fell in. My landing was softened by the great amount of quarters on the well’s floor. I rolled around on the quarters and loved the sound of the coins rustling against each other.

    I was having so much fun that time flew by and soon it was dark. The wonderful thing about this was the moonlight made the quarters sparkle and reflect off the well’s walls. I continued rolling around in the midst of this terrific light show.

    Because the coins made things cushiony I relaxed and fell asleep.’

    When I awoke it was morning. I heard someone up above. They were saying their wishes out loud but they hadn’t tossed in their quarter. I asked them what was going on. They said they were reviewing their wishes in order to pick the best one before tossing in their quarter.

    I said, “No matter what you wish for, it won’t be any better than rolling around on the quarters down here.”

    That person jumped down into the well.

    We spent the entire day rolling around on the quarters.

  • The height

    I got out of bed and felt odd. I looked down and saw my feet weren’t touching the ground. They were one inch from the floor. I tried pushing down harder, but nothing.

    I walked to the kitchen for breakfast. I kept feeling like I was going to fall. The best part was I felt like Jesus must have felt when he walked on water.

    My dog Rexy noticed my height discrepancy and said, “You’ll do anything to get attention.”

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