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A few ways I’m different

A few ways I’m different

I sleep standing up. I’ve been sleeping this way since I saw a horse asleep while standing in its stall. I only have to sleep this way two hours a night to get a full night’s sleep.

I eat by holding food in my hand. I don’t have to chew it. I hold the food in my right hand, and it gets absorbed through the skin. The great thing about this is that I never have to brush my teeth.

I speak without opening my mouth. What I want to say appears in the air in florescent colors. The person I’m conversing with reads the words, says their response, and my response appears again in the air.

Everything else about me is pretty normal. Except my bones are made of Styrofoam. I bought them at a hobby shop.

 

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What happened by the creek

What happened by the creek

creek

I sat by the creek. I liked watching the water move by. It was like a moving clear frosting.

Finally I leaned forward and put my tongue in the water. It wasn’t sweet. It was cold and bitter. Still, I liked it.

From behind me I heard someone say, “What are you doing?” I turned around and saw a bear with hands on its hips. I was embarrassed. I lied saying, “Just getting a drink.”

The bear said, “It looked otherwise. There’s no place in the woods for kinky things.”

I snapped out of it, stood up, and said, “Are you kidding me?!”

The bear stared at me. I stared back at the bear.

Well, you guessed it, we started making out.

 

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Discussion with the lawn

Discussion with the lawn

lawn

I woke up this morning and went out to my backyard to have a talk with the lawn.

I said, “What strange things did you see last night?”

The lawn said, Okay, well, there was this raccoon, and it kept walking back and forth across me. At first I thought it forgot something, but this kind of walking kept going on like fifty times. So finally I said, “What the frick, raccoon?” The raccoon said, “I’m exercising, alright?! I’m trying to do something good for myself, and I don’t need your cranky criticism!”

I said, “Go on, go on.”

The lawn said, “So I said to the raccoon, “It’s my business if what you do is on top of me and wearing me down!” Well, the raccoon, she says, “Why in the hellacious acres did you become a lawn if you’re so bothered by things like other’s walking?!” I said, “I’m not bothered by walking, but by the freakish repetitive bullshit that you’re so touchy about!”

I said, “The raccoon had a point. Why did you decide to become a lawn?”

The lawn said, “I don’t see what that has to do with this?

I said, “I’m curious.”

The lawn said, “I became a lawn because I never cared for growing randomly in the woods or in vacant lots. I like order. I prefer a structured appearance.”

I said, “But once you become a lawn, you’re an open space invitation for others to do as they wish.”

The lawn said, “I guess. But I don’t like it. Would you build a very tall fence all around me with no gates to get in?”

I said, “No.”

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Our different paths

Our different paths

I remember that time we visited Moscow. I’d never been there before. You used to live there when you were a child with your parents Boris and Naina Yeltsin. As we walked the streets of Moscow, you told me about how your father wanted you to succeed him as the President of the Russian Federation. However, you wanted to be a cabaret singer in America. When you were old enough, you left home, came to America and got a job singing at the Soup Spoon Cabaret in Detroit. 

I told you I admired your tenacity. I shared when I was a kid, I wanted to be a bubble gum tester for Bazooka Joe. My parents felt that was a good idea. I didn’t like that they liked my ambitions and I decided to become a CEO for a big company. When I was old enough, I left home and applied to be CEO for General Electric and got the job. I was there for 12 years and was never happy.

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I like to sit

I like to sit

I like to sit

Sometimes I like to sit. And not do anything else.

Someone will come along and ask me to get up and do a different thing. But I’ll say, “No, thanks.”

I’ll stay sitting. They may ask again. But I stay seated.

They’ll leave and it’s just me, sitting again.

I’ll look around while sitting. I like to think of it as going places with my eyes. I get to remain seated and go.

Sometimes I’ll fall asleep while sitting. Then I’ll dream, and I’m usually no longer sitting. That’s okay, because when I wake up, I’m still sitting.

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Shiva’s Ice Cream

Shiva’s Ice Cream

shiva

I went and got ice cream with the deity Shiva. Shiva got a triple-cone: vanilla, bubble gum, and butterscotch flavors. I got a small cup of strawberry ice cream.

We sat outside on a bench and ate our deserts. It was hot and Shiva’s cone was melting. While he licked his cone, the ice cream dripped onto the ground. Ants were fighting over the small growing pool of melted sweet cream.

Shiva said, “How’s yours?”

I said, “It’s good.”

Shiva said, “How come you only got a small cup?”

I said, “I’m not that hungry.”

Shiva finished his ice cream and said, “I’m gonna get another one. Can I get you anything?”

I said no. Shiva went back into the ice cream parlor.

Shiva came back out with a cone that perilously balanced five scoops of ice cream. I’d finished my cup by then. Shiva licked the cone, while it dripped onto the ground. By now there were hundreds of ants feasting on the drippings.