The difficult relationship

I was good friends with the famous Russian revolutionary, Vladimir Lenin. We got along well most of the time, unless he brought his cat, Andrei. I’m terribly allergic to cats.

Lenin knew this but would sometimes bring Andrei in tow. I would get upset, and Lenin would say that to be a member of the proletariat, one must suffer for the common good. I would argue back that when a comrade knowingly makes another suffer, he becomes a member of the bourgeoisie.

The fight would escalate until Andrei the Cat would postulate about how the demise of Utopia was inevitable as long as people were involved in trying to create it.

Image may contain: 1 person, standing and hat

Birth Story

I remember the day I was born. It was on a Friday. Back then hospitals closed at 5pm on Friday. The doctors, nurses, the rest of the staff went home and came back 9am Monday. My mom showed up ready to deliver at 4:59 pm. She had to be admitted, but of course the doctors and nurses who delivered me were pissed because they had dinner plans and were hoping to catch Gunsmoke on TV at 6:30 pm.

So they rushed my delivery (4 minutes, still a record at Zachary Taylor County Hospital) and had my mom out the door at 5:03), which made my dad happy because he was curbside, sitting in the car, with the motor running, honking and yelling out the window for us to hurry it up.

Image may contain: 1 person

More talking

Brooks: Hi, God.
God: Oh, jeez.
Brooks: What?
God: I need a break from you.
Brooks: Oh.
God: Why don’t you off to the woods and talk to trees, and then write a book about clouds, and follow that by living for a year in an ant farm.
Brooks: And then I can come back and hang out with you?
God: Maybe.
Brooks: Okay, God. You got it. I’m going. Bye! Good-bye! See you later! Too-da-loo! Adieu! Adios! Parting is such sweet sorrow.
God: Just go!



I used to be chums with the 13th President, Millard Fillmore. We used to hang out at the White House and eat gin-soaked pears in the West Sitting Room. (Originally it was called the Sitting Room, but I encouraged Millard to add the ‘West.’)

Once he told me, “Mr. Bee, this country of our’n is in a tumult, as if salt and pepper were mixed up in the same shaker, and were fightin’ for dominion.” I nodded vigorously. He said, “I ‘preciate your concurment.”

I’ve discovered over the years that a good deal of nodding is the best way to make a friendship stronger.

Image may contain: 1 person

Encounter with Ant

I was taking a nap when I was woken up by a tickle on my nose. It was an ant. The ant said, “Excuse me, sorry for waking you, but would you do me a favor?” I asked what it wanted. The ant said, “I’m at my wits end. I’m about to be kicked out of the colony. I’m the worst food gatherer, and unless I bring back a significant amount of food, I’m out. Would you help?” I said yes.

I put the ant on my shoulder and we went to the store. I loaded up the cart with 42 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread, 200 pints of Karo Syrup, 174 boxes of Nilla Wafers, 5 one-hundred-pound bags of sugar, and 500 Bit-o-Honey candy bars. Then I drove it all to the anthill. I took everything out of its packaging. I set the ant down on the ground.

The ant said, “Thanks! Hey, would like to come in and enjoy the feast?” I said sure. I helped bring it all down into the tunnels. Then I joined in the gorging. That’s why I feel kind of out of it today.

No automatic alt text available.

I’ve been around

My interesting point of view is the result of my having been alive for over 48,000,000,000 years. I was around way before people. Back then I was friends with vapors and certain igneous rock formations. Life was carefree and simple.

Though there was that one time where I got in a fight with the Earth’s axis. I felt that it should be straight up and down, and the Earth preferred a tilt. We haven’t spoken since.

Perhaps I should be open-hearted and forgive and forget. But I honestly believe the reason I’ve been around so long is so that I can outlive the Earth because it will give me some kind of feeling that I won.

Image may contain: ocean, cloud, sky, water, outdoor and nature