I’ve been around

My interesting point of view is the result of my having been alive for over 48,000,000,000 years. I was around way before people. Back then I was friends with vapors and certain igneous rock formations. Life was carefree and simple.

Though there was that one time where I got in a fight with the Earth’s axis. I felt that it should be straight up and down, and the Earth preferred a tilt. We haven’t spoken since.

Perhaps I should be open-hearted and forgive and forget. But I honestly believe the reason I’ve been around so long is so that I can outlive the Earth because it will give me some kind of feeling that I won.

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Why I’m Up

It’s late and I can’t sleep. The volcano in my backyard has erupted again and my bedroom is lit by the bright orange glow on the walls.

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“Let’s climb them all!”

As part our Let’s Climb Them All! campaign, God and I made it to the top of Mount Kangchenjunga in Nepal.

God said, “Isn’t this view I created amazing?” I said, “I guess,” and took out a thick wad of folded papers from my back pocket. God said, “What’s that?” I said it was my up-to-the-date list of all the things I want in my life. God said, “You promised you wouldn’t do that on this trip. You gave your word!”

I got excited and turned to page 340, line 18 and said, “It says right here, ‘I want to be more reliable.”

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The trip to Venus

I took my rocket ship to Venus. Venus is a hot and dusty planet. You can’t see more than five feet in front of yourself, and you have to turn up the AC in your space suit to maximum. Still I got out of my ship and began wandering around. I walked for hours not knowing where I was heading.

I soon realized I’d forgotten to bring my rocket radar and wouldn’t be able to find my way back to the ship. I sat down to the ground. I thought that this trip was the dumbest thing I’d ever done in my life. I began to laugh and I couldn’t stop.

That’s when I felt something tap my space helmet. It was a Venusian, who asked, “Are you okay?” I shook my head, still laughing. The Venusian began to laugh and couldn’t stop either.

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Visit from Leo

I was visited by the ghost of Leonardo Di Vinci. He told me that he was feeling lonely and wanted some company. The thing is, I’m a private person, and don’t like impromptu visits. Last week I angrily turned away a co-ghosting from Princess Di and Mother Theresa.

I expressed my feelings to the ghost of Leonardo. He said he understood and started to leave. But then he paused and sniffed away a cry.

My heart got the best of me and I said he could stay. We made lime jello and watched the movie, “Something Wild.” Then the ghost of Leonardo said he was feeling better and left.

I had the thought that I couldn’t wait to one day die so I could indiscriminately visit the living. It seemed so much better than watching TV.

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