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All due to the generosity of Eugenia

All due to the generosity of Eugenia

When I was born, Great Great Grandmother Eugenia Palmer bequeathed me a pot of gold. Even the pot was gold. Rather than have to wait until I was 21 in order to spend any of the booty, she said that I was free to spend the gelt from that moment forward.

On the way home from the hospital, with my arms around the pot of gold, I babbled as I held up a gold coin and pointed out the window at Spouser’s Pizza Parlor. My dad parked in their lot, and my mom and dad brought me in. I didn’t know how to read yet, so the waitress brought me a kid’s menu with just pictures of the pizzas. I pointed to a pineapple sausage pizza. The pizza was served, and I had my first bite. The taste made me gurgle with delight. Much of the pizza ended up on my bib, table, and floor, but my first meal was worth it. I paid the waitress with the gold coin. She tried to give me the change, but I bawled, and she thanked me.

As my dad drove home, I held up gold coins and cooed at the Fur Vault Emporium. My dad parked in their lot, and we all went in. I bought myself a Mink fur baby’s blankie. It was so soft and cushy! With crayons I drew a picture of my dad’s car with fur. The salesman understood and while we waited, they upholstered my dad’s car with Mink upholstery.

Driving towards home, I let out high-pitched shrieks as the car hit a number of potholes. I shook the pot of gold and pointed to an asphalt shop. My dad pulled in and my parents brought me to the general manager. I pointed towards the road, made a spitting sound, and held up a handful of gold coins. The general manager said it would take two weeks to pave the entire street.

My parents and I got a hotel room at the Ramada Hotel across the street and stayed in the penthouse for the fourteen days. During the first night of our stay, I didn’t like the sleeping cot, so through a series of wild animal gestures on my part, my dad understood, and made a call. Within three hours, a crib with a mattress made of Dodo bird feathers was delivered.

The next morning, while watching a cartoon show with bad reception, I emitted a piercing screech, and through my precocious ability to charade, gave my mom and dad instructions to bring the entire cast of the musical Jingle Bells, Batman Smells to our room to perform their production. I dribbled, holding up handfuls of coins for them to repeat the show 14 times.

At the end of our stay at the Ramada, I paid for our room with the last of the gold. We drove home on the new freshly paved road. It was sooo smooth.

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Way Back

Way Back

I remember when we first met a hundredth of a billionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang. I was a photon and you were a neutrino, and as we hurtled, we talked about the matter we were hoping to one day form into. You wanted to become cheese fries. I wanted to be a finger scratching an itch.

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Sewered

Sewered

I was out for my early morning walk went I came upon an open manhole cover in the road. I went in and climbed down the metal stairs. It was dark and dank. I wasn’t wearing a jacket and I got the shivers.

I walked bent over along the sewer. I felt a rat crawl over my sandeled foot. It was warm and tickled. I heard a bat fly by my head. I was excited because they are mice with wings. The sound of my feet splashing in the water made me feel splashy.

I walked for a long while. I like walking so it didn’t bother me that I was walking in the sewer.

I turned a corner and saw a shaft of light coming from the grating above. The light shone on a freshly made cupcake on a clean white plate. The plate floated gently on the water. I got closer and noticed the blue and orange sprinkles, my favorite colors!

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Fricken’ Time

Fricken’ Time

I got in my time-travel machine and traveled to my home one week in the future. I do this every other week. In the in-between weeks, the future me comes to visit me. We agreed to do this as a way to let the future me tell the now me know what crappy things are coming up so they can be avoided.

When I arrived, my future self wasn’t there. I was upset because we had scheduled this time. I waited around for three hours, but no show. I went back home. When I got there, my future self was sitting on the couch.

The future me said, “Where were you? I’ve been waiting for three hours.” I said, “You got it all wrong. It was my turn to visit you.” The future me said, “No, you got it wrong.” I got out my phone’s calendar and showed the future me that it said it was my turn to travel to him. The future me didn’t have his phone, but still said that I was wrong. I said, “You can’t just say that. You have no proof.” The future me got mad and knocked over and broke a lamp. I said, “You need to go.” The future me got in the time-machine and disappeared.

I sat on the couch. When I realized I was sitting in the warm spot that the future had been sitting, I was repulsed and got up immediately.

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Something I did that got me in trouble but came out okay in the end

Something I did that got me in trouble but came out okay in the end

I took my time-machine back to the year 2 and the most northernmost tip of Nunavat, Canada, called Alert. I was getting away from the madness of people, buildings, computers, traffic and electricity. But it was far from relaxing because I arrived in the midst of a mighty blizzard. I was ill-prepared, wearing a hoodie and parachute pants. I spotted an igloo a few yards away, made a mad dash, and ducked inside. I encountered a grizzled old man wrapped in animal pelts, and his pet walrus. They regarded me with nods. I returned the nods. I pointed towards myself and said, “Brooks.” The man pointed to himself and said, “Wolwolwol, and the Walrus said, “Bwoowk.”

Normally I’m claustrophobic, but I felt serene. The three of us sat in silence for I don’t know how long. Eventually, Bwook the walrus commanded Wolwolwol the man to do tricks, like roll over, beg, and sing. I applauded which scared them and I was pushed out of the igloo. The blizzard was even more intense and I had difficulty finding my time-machine. Eventually I froze in place and figured this was it.

The amazing thing is, I was discovered by an archeological expedition in 1927. They dug up and thawed out me and my time-machine. I thanked them, got in my time-machine and came back home. I took a long hot bath. Then I got out my 21 DVD box set of Brady Bunch: The Complete Series with Shag Carpet Cover, and started with the first disc.