I’ve never played golf till today. I went to the Oak Brook Hills Resort out in the western suburbs of Chicago. It’s exclusive, but I have the money and I paid. I rented eight caddies and a set of golf clubs.

I was really crappy at first. I had a hard time hitting the ball. When I finally did, it didn’t go far. One of the caddies started to complain and I fired him. One of my other caddies, his name was Derrick, took me aside and said, “The ball is the switch, and when you flick it, you turn on the lights.” I took that to heart and hit the ball solidly. It went far, way out into the woods. I gave Derrick a fifty and I went after the ball.

I found the ball sitting next to a rabbit who was waving its paw. The rabbit said, “I thought I’d help.” I gave my caddy, Lou, $30 and told him to go to Dominick’s and pick up a twenty pound bag of carrots and give it to the rabbit.

I took the shot with a little less impact and it ricocheted off a tree limb and landed back on the green. This made sense to me. I played a lot of pinball when I was a kid, and learned that you have to bounce off the things around you to stay in the game. I hit the ball again and clanked off a moving golf cart. That brought the ball to the putting green.

By now the word was out about my generosity and there was a bevy of forest animals all waiting alongside the green. I nodded towards a mole. The mole came over. I said, “What do you like?” The mole said, “Worms. As many as I can fit in my mouth.” I motioned a caddy to come over. I said, “What’s your name?” She said, “Angelina.” I said, “Angelina, I noticed a bait shop a half mile north away from the course on my way in this morning. I need you to get me two pounds of fresh worms for my mole friend.” I gave her twenty and she was on her way. I looked at the mole and then nodded towards the green. The mole burrowed a straight line to the hole. I got a putter and hit the ball and it rode the ridge of the mole’s work like a bowling ball alongside a gutter ball preventer, and went in.

I played the next 16 holes with the support of anything I could find. But when I got to the 18th, I was basically exhausted and by then a lot of people were following and watching me play. So I took everyone to lunch, and while we were eating I had my caddy Denny, carry the ball and drop it into the hole.

What a great day!

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