I found God drunk and down at a bar. I asked what was the problem.
God said that life sounded like a good idea, but he didn’t realize he’d become so intimately involved in the creation.
Helping History
I was sitting in the tub when I felt the air around me crackle. I instinctively grabbed a towel as I was hurtled away in a time-travel blip.
I flew through the fallopian tubes of time and was tossed out into the Watergate Hearings of May 1973. Photographs bulbs flashed, and I heard someone remark about my lack of tan.
U.S. Senator Sam Ervin, the chair person, said, “Towel clad man, take a seat!”
I sat down at the table. I leaned into the mic and said, “It’s good to be here.” I meant it. I watched these hearings on TV when I was a kid. It made me realize that most people in charge are pretty much wrong and are not to be trusted.
Senator Ervin said, “Perhaps you can educate us as to why are you only wearing a towel?”
I said, “This towel is from the Watergate Hotel. I wanted to demonstrate how easy it is to steal things from hotels.”
Senator Ervin said, “The naked man has a point. I once stole an astray from the Fort Sumter Hilton in Charleston. I figured it was gratis.”
Encouragement
I went to the Frampton Comes Alive 35 Tour.
Peter Frampton was halfway through a bored and tired, “Do You Feel Like We Do” when I shouted, “Sing something you never sang before.”
Frampton stopped. He looked a little angry, then relieved.
Frampton then excitedly sang Camp Town Races. The audience went nuts. Then he launched into Yes, We Have No Bananas.
It was the greatest night of my life.
Not So Simple
I was digging a hole in my backyard to lay the foundation for a flag pole when I came across a casket. I lifted the lid. There was a corpse.
I said, “Excuse me.”
The corpse rubbed its eyes and looked around. The corpse said, “That’s okay. I’m done resting.”
The corpse climbed out of the casket and onto the ground.
I winced because of the smell. I felt badly when the corpse saw this and became self-conscious.
I went and got the hose and washed the corpse down. It didn’t help.
Some days are difficult no matter how you approach them.
Life Has a Mind of Its Own
I was out for a late night walk in the woods when I was joined by the ghost of Ben Franklin. We talked about what we’d been up to lately.
Ben Franklin said, “I set upon haunting the U.S. Mint. I exhibited myself around the hundred dollar bill printing press and said unto the Mint workers, “I have escaped from the bindings of the currency!” They engineered their pocket telephone devices and recorded me for YouTube. I thinkith it’s a sign of dulled imaginations when one loses the ability to be scared.”
I said, “I can see what you mean…I met a squirrel in a park this week. We really hit it off. We actually decided to get married. I never thought I’d feel that way about anyone. But lo and behold, there we were at City Hall, getting a marriage license. Afterwards, we got into an argument about where we would live. My squirrel partner wanted to live in a tree. I wanted to live in my house.”
Ben Franklin said, “And what was the final conclusion?”
My squirrel partner peaked her head out of my shirt and shrieked, “Oh my God, it’s the ghost of Ben Franklin!”
Ben Franklin said, “You have found yourself a fine partner!”