Three cows hang out in a field.
One of the cows says, “I like baseball. I think I would be good at catching a ball with my mouth. I’m going to the tryouts later this month. If I get the job, I’m out of here.”
Another cow says, “That would be great. You hog most of the the grass. Plus you are a noisy chewer.”
The other cow says, “Mostly I’m excited about our field trip to the Hormel processing plant this afternoon.”
I was working on this post when I heard, “psssssst,” from down below.
I looked down. I saw my shadow.
I said, “Was that you?”
My shadow said, “Yes.”
I said, “What do you want?”
My shadow said, “Just wanted to say hi.”
I said, “Hi. I gotta get back to work.”
My shadow said, “What are we working on?”
I said, “Not we. Me.”
My shadow said, “But we’re doing it together.”
I said, “It seems like that. But you’re actually a parroting replicant silhouette of what I’m up to.”
My shadow said, “If that’s the case, how am I able to respond to you?”
I said, “I’m a ventriloquist.”
The shadow said, “But I don’t see your mouth moving.”
I said, “I’m very good.”
I sat at my desk with a pad of paper and a pen. The pen asked if it could be put back in the pen jar since I hadn’t written anything for near an hour. I told the pen that I need its support and confidence, otherwise I’ll never write anything. The pen said okay. Another half hour went by. The pen gave me a look. I said, “Seriously!”
I gave up and took my rocket ship to visit my friend the Sun. When I got there the Sun was surprised to see me. I said I was curious as to why since the Sun should have seen me coming for at least 10,000 miles. There’s nothing but darkness in space and my rocket ship puts out a really big flame. The Sun said it’s very busy and sometimes doesn’t notice things going on outside of it.
On the way home, my right thumb talked non-stop, saying things like, “I really like the color blue, but sometimes I like red.” And, “Sometimes my thoughts have commas.” And, “I wish I was on the left hand. The fingers on the right smell like the waist band of a donkey’s underwear.”
When I got back home I decided to relax and watch a movie. But realized I needed something first, so I got in my time machine and went back in time to visit Jesus when he was working as a carpenter in Judea. I didn’t speak the language, so I drew out a small side table that I wanted him to make. I walked around town for a few hours and came back. He was finished. As payment I gave him my old cell phone that no longer works. I came back to today and put the side table next to my couch. I got a drink of water and set it on the side table.
I sat on the couch and watched a movie on Netflix called, “As Valuable as a Handshake in a Lonely Heart’s Club.” It stared Sean Connery. It was made in 1969. The movie was about a man named Paul who is afraid to leave his house. He had food delivered to his doorstep so he didn’t have to go to the grocery story. He peaked out from behind the shades a lot. The story got interesting when a woman named Daphne parachute sky dived for the first time from a plane and because she was only a beginner missed the field and crashed through the roof of Paul’s house and landed next to him on his bed where he was laying down and fretting about the outside world. Daphne introduced herself and Paul, after an awkward hesitation, responded and shook her hand.
I was relaxing in my backyard, reading the latest issue of Popular Hijinks, when God showed up.
God said, “Hey, you wanna hang out?”
I said, “What did you have in mind?”
God said, “Backgammon.”
I said, “Okay. Did you bring a board?”
God said, “I thought you have one?”
I said, “I don’t have one.”
God said, “What are we gonna do?”
I said, “You’re God, make one appear.”
God said, “That’s not how I work.”
I said, “But you’re God.”
God said, “So.”
I said, “What’s the point of being God if you can create things out of nothing?”
God said, “Sorry. We can go to the store. Would you drive?”
I said, “This is my day off. I was hoping to take it easy and not go out.”
God said, “Pleeeeeeeese.”
I drove God to the store. I was in a bad mood the whole way there and back. We played. God won. I got upset and tipped over the board.
God said, “Why’d you do that?”
I stormed into my house and slammed the door. I laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling
God tapped on my living room window. I didn’t look. God tapped again. Then again.
Finally I looked. God shrugged and made a funny face up against the glass.
I got up and closed the curtains.
I was visited by the ghost of King Charlemagne. He was wearing his crown. It was a crappy looking crown, dented with rust.
I asked him if he would like to go for a walk. It was my exercise time, and I don’t hold back my life for the undead. He agreed.
On our walk, I pointed out birds that were interesting to me.
I said, “I like that red cardinal. The bright color makes me want to prance around in circles and yelp.”
The ghost of King Charlemagne said, “Why don’t you then?”
I said, “It would scare off the cardinal and my joy would end.”