Today’s time-travel trip!

I took my time-machine back to April of 1775 and landed on a ship sailing the Atlantic Ocean. It was exciting like a roller coaster because the waves were choppy and the ship would sail high up on a wave and then come crashing back down. I yelled, “Weeeeeeeh” as I slide all the way to the back of the ship. I would have flipped off and landed in the ocean if I hadn’t been caught and saved by the famous Captain John Paul Jones. He yelled, “Gotcha!”

He asked how I got on the ship. I told him I’d time-traveled. He was curious and wanted to know more. I gave him a copy of my New York Times bestseller, “Time-Travelin’: A Fun Thing to Do in Your Free Time.” He asked me to sign it, which I did. He started to read it. I said he didn’t need to keep me company. He nodded and went back to his cabin to read my book.

I stayed on the deck. I looked out at the water. I love water. Water is the main ingredient in my self-made time-travel machine. I added it because water’s flexible. Anything that can change from ice to water to steam and essentially still be the same thing is the grease that allows me to slip through the time portals.

Thanks to Bickles

I went on stage. I said, “I’m sorry I’m late. I forgot I was supposed to be speaking tonight.” The audience laughed.

I said, “I’m not joking. What happened was earlier in the day I was looking out the window at a tree. Next thing I knew it was dark and I was still looking at the tree.”

“I remembered I had this talk to give. I asked my pet condor Bickles to give me a lift to the show. Bickles has a nine foot wing-span and once lifted a car out of a ditch. Bickles gripped the back of my collar and flew me here.”

Ralph the water

I’m working on a book about the history of water. It starts four and a half billion years ago. There wasn’t water. And then suddenly water appeared. Its name was Ralph. Ralph had traveled all the way from Pluto, a planet made of ice. He was looking for a change of scenery. He found a very dry Earth and thought, “This seems like the place.”

Ralph the water spread out on the dry Earth bed. He kept spreading. He spread some more. Eventually Ralph spread out across the entire planet. Earth basically became the biggest pool in the galaxy.

It wasn’t long before Ralph got restless and and changed things up, seeping into the ground and forming underground rivers, and evaporating into the air and sky, and occasionally raining. This pleased Ralph because on Pluto, there was only one choice for all water, be frozen. But now he got to innovate and be himself.

Another day goes by

I looked up at the sky. The sky said, “What?” I said, “I like to look at you.” The sky said, “Will you stop it? You’re bothering me.” I stopped looking at the sky.

I looked at the ground. The ground said, “What do you want?” I said, “Nothing. I’m just noticing you.” The ground said, Well, it’s bothering me, so cut it out!”

I looked at a tree. The tree didn’t say anything. I kept looking at the tree. Still the tree was silent. A hawk flew down and landed on a branch of the tree. After a moment, the hawk said, “Why are you looking at me?” I said, “I’m not, I’m looking at the tree.” The hawk, “It seems like you’re looking at me.” I said I wasn’t. The hawk said, “Please stop. You’re making me uncomfortable.”

I closed my eyes. I felt the sun and breeze on my skin. I thought about the time I sat on top of a hill and threw rocks down at a rusty tin can. I was able to hit the can a lot. It gave me a feeling of confidence.

The elephant and the mouse

The elephant was tired and sat down. There was a yelling sound from the elephant’s behind. The elephant looked back and saw a mouse. The elephant was sitting on the mouse’s tail.

The elephant stood and said, “I’m so sorry.” The mouse said, “Why don’t you look where you’re sitting?” The elephant said, “You’re right. I was tired and not thinking well. Is your tail okay?” The mouse held its tail and said, “It hurts a lot.”

The elephant said, “I’m so sorry. Can I kiss and make it better?”

The mouse nodded. The elephant bent down to the ground and kissed the mouse’s tail.

The mouse said, “Thanks, that feels better.”