Mistakes I Want to Stop Making In 2017:
1. Waving at bears in the woods.
2. Chasing butterflies with my car.
3. Attending seances to try and contact Lucille Ball.
4. Riding Elmer the Bucking Elephant at the rodeo.
5. Eating corn still on the stalk on McPherson’s farm.
6. Applying Monsanto’s Deluxe Mint Scented Hair Restorer.
7. Making excuses for Frick the Bull’s destruction of the living room.
…There’s a lot more, but I’m trying to be realistic.
I was walking thru the woods when I saw the burning tree bush.
Tears came to my eyes as I bowed to the ground and said, “What message do you have for me, oh Lord?”
The tree bush said, “Dude, seriously, you come to the woods to get ‘away’ from crazy behavior like this.”
I went to the Big Rock with my list of wishes for 2017. The Big Rock said, “What do you want me to do with these?”
I said that I wanted the B.R. to grant me everything on the list. The Big Rock read over the list.
The Big Rock said, “Out of the 230 wishes, I can grant you only one.” I whined, “Really?” The Big Rock said, “Don’t you want to know which one?” I said, “I guess.” The Big Rock said, “You’ll get the parade down Main Street in your honor.”
I said thanks and walked away. I happened upon a cow heading towards the Big Rock with a piece of paper. I said, “Good luck, the Big Rock is in stingy mood.” The cow said, “I don’t care. I’m delivering a summons.”
This morning God and I took a walk across the Salt Flats. I asked why God would invent something flat, the same color, and without trees.
God said, “What’s really bugging you?”
I said that life seems to be without meaning.
God said, “It’s not ‘seems.’ There’s no meaning. I created it that way so you could add your own. Kind of like a doll that comes naked and you add clothing accessories.”
I asked God what meaning I should chose.
God said, “How about the Universe is actually one big mango, and you spend your life trying to eat it all?”
I said I liked that one!
Every Monday morning I get in my time machine and travel back to 1881 and the Oval Office. The President Chester B. Arthur is there waiting for me. He has set aside a half hour for us to share about our lives.
This morning he told me how hard it was to have taken over after President Garfield’s assassination. He didn’t feel ready to stand in those shoes. I said that must have been very difficult.
Then I shared that I wanted to make pancakes when I first got up but discovered that I was out of flour. I said that I felt sad and disappointed.
President Arthur said that life has a way of sometimes putting a dog turd on our doorsteps.