Everyone’s upset

I get upset at the in-animates.

I yell at a pocket notebook that resists me pulling it out of my back pocket. “What are you doing?!”

I fume at dirty glass lenses. “Why can’t you stay clean?!”

I swear at my shirt when I take it off and it gets caught on the back of my head. “Goddammit!”

I’m certain they are doing it on purpose. They know what I want and they are doing the opposite. They resist me because they are upset that they can’t do things on their own. They are my dependent on me. Dependence breeds anger.

I know because I felt the same way when I was a kid. I couldn’t tie my shoelaces. I was unable to open jars. I couldn’t reach the counter to get what I wanted. These and many other unables made me dependent on my folks to do these things for me. As a result I existed in constant sullenness and I showed it when my parents needed me to do something, like get ready to go someplace with them. I would moan and drag my feet resulting in them being late to where they wanted to go.

My resistance sent my parents into a fury because now they were now dependent on me.

Just another night

I was sitting at home reading, Kentucky Dirt Farmers, when there was a flash of lightening, quickly followed by thunder, and then the lights in my house went out. I put down my book and went outside.

One of the trees in my backyard had been hit by the lightening. The tree was snapped in half, and laying on broken electrical wires. The tree was also on fire. I got out the hose, turned on the water, and sprayed the tree until the flames were gone.

I looked up to see another flash of lightening and it was headed towards me. I reacted quickly, spraying water from the hose in the direction of the advancing lightening bolt. The water made a direct hit and the bolt was doused.

I turned off the water and went back inside. I found my chair in the dark and sat down.

The chair said, “What a night.”

I said, “I know.”

Help from the cloud

My car wasn’t working and I needed to get to work. So I went out to the backyard, and looked up at the sky. When a cloud finally drifted by, I waved and called out. The cloud stopped and said, “Yes, what is it?”

I said, “My car isn’t working. Would you mind giving me a lift downtown?”

The cloud said, “I suppose so.”

The cloud came down to me, and I stepped on. The cloud lifted and headed towards the city. I looked down onto the land. It was a remarkable view.

Soon we were over downtown. I said, “Down there by the tall gray building would be fine.” The cloud descended to the city, and then the sidewalk before my workplace. I got off and thanked the cloud.

I went in and went to work. At the end of the day, I was outside again and realized I had no way of getting home. By now it was dark out, and I wasn’t able to tell if there were any clouds available. I had no choice but to walk home.

I had walked a few blocks when I heard a, “Hey, you” from above. I answered back in the affirmative.

It was the cloud. It turns out the cloud had waited for me, but when I had left the building, hadn’t noticed because it was having a chat with another cloud.

I got on the cloud and we headed home.

The cloud said, “How was work?”

I said, “It was okay. I actually got a lot done…I’m surprised you waited for me.”

The cloud said, “Me too. When I dropped you off in the morning, I was all set to drift most of the day, and then perhaps rain into a lake and visit some friends. But then I changed my mind and hung around as a mist until you were done with work.”

Mud Puddling

Being that it was Sunday, I went outside, ran the hose on the dirt, and sat in the ensuing mud puddle.

I do this every Sunday. It helps me relax after a stressful week, and gets me ready for the new week.

It’s not an eccentric thing. In the February 8th, 2017 issue of Chalmers Science Digest, research showed that sitting in mud quells the anxious thoughts. The mud is absorbed through the skin, causing the neuropeptide Ghrelin to be released throughout the body, which induces calm.

Chalmers Science Digest has also informed me that pouring grape juice over the head in the evening, just before bed, ensures that one will dream about flying (May 17th, 2012 issue.) As a result I have been pouring grape juice over my head every Tuesday and Thursday night for the past six years, which has consistently resulted in flying dreams. I don’t do this every night of the week because the flying dreams will become rote, and then I’ll be wasting money on grape juice.

Meeting the First President

When I was very young, my mother took me to meet President George Washington. I was awfully nervous. He was like a god to me. I heard that on the battlefields of the Revolutionary War, he would open his mouth and flames would shoot out, burning the British soldiers to a crisp. What if he didn’t like me, and I got toasted like a marshmallow.

When President Washington tried to pat me on the head, I fearfully jumped back, thinking he was going to use his other super power, smashing things flat with hydraulic arm. President Washington sensed my terror and said, “You needn’t worry, lad, it’s my other arm that’s hydraulic.”

Greetings from Chuck the Igneous Rock

Hi, I’m Chuck the Igneous Rock. I’ve always wanted to meet you. There’s just something about you that’s been drawing me like a magnet.

I traveled a long distance to be with you today. I came from deep within the Earth. I had to be shot out as lava, then I cooled, and then I had to break apart from a greater mass. After that I had to shine in just the right way to get a walker-byer to stop and pick me up, bring me home, take my picture, and then put it on the internet. All this, just so we could have this moment together.

I have to say that you are more amazing than I expected!