Oh, boy

I sat at my desk with a pad of paper and a pen. The pen asked if it could be put back in the pen jar since I hadn’t written anything for near an hour. I told the pen that I need its support and confidence, otherwise I’ll never write anything. The pen said okay. Another half hour went by. The pen gave me a look. I said, “Seriously!”

I gave up and took my rocket ship to visit my friend the Sun. When I got there the Sun was surprised to see me. I said I was curious as to why since the Sun should have seen me coming for at least 10,000 miles. There’s nothing but darkness in space and my rocket ship puts out a really big flame. The Sun said it’s very busy and sometimes doesn’t notice things going on outside of it.

On the way home, my right thumb talked non-stop, saying things like, “I really like the color blue, but sometimes I like red.” And, “Sometimes my thoughts have commas.” And, “I wish I was on the left hand. The fingers on the right smell like the waist band of a donkey’s underwear.”

When I got back home I decided to relax and watch a movie. But realized I needed something first, so I got in my time machine and went back in time to visit Jesus when he was working as a carpenter in Judea. I didn’t speak the language, so I drew out a small side table that I wanted him to make. I walked around town for a few hours and came back. He was finished. As payment I gave him my old cell phone that no longer works. I came back to today and put the side table next to my couch. I got a drink of water and set it on the side table.

I sat on the couch and watched a movie on Netflix called, “As Valuable as a Handshake in a Lonely Heart’s Club.” It stared Sean Connery. It was made in 1969. The movie was about a man named Paul who is afraid to leave his house. He had food delivered to his doorstep so he didn’t have to go to the grocery story. He peaked out from behind the shades a lot. The story got interesting when a woman named Daphne parachute sky dived for the first time from a plane and because she was only a beginner missed the field and crashed through the roof of Paul’s house and landed next to him on his bed where he was laying down and fretting about the outside world. Daphne introduced herself and Paul, after an awkward hesitation, responded and shook her hand.

Another wasted day

I was relaxing in my backyard, reading the latest issue of Popular Hijinks, when God showed up.

God said, “Hey, you wanna hang out?”

I said, “What did you have in mind?”

God said, “Backgammon.”

I said, “Okay. Did you bring a board?”

God said, “I thought you have one?”

I said, “I don’t have one.”

God said, “What are we gonna do?”

I said, “You’re God, make one appear.”

God said, “That’s not how I work.”

I said, “But you’re God.”

God said, “So.”

I said, “What’s the point of being God if you can create things out of nothing?”

God said, “Sorry. We can go to the store. Would you drive?”

I said, “This is my day off. I was hoping to take it easy and not go out.”

God said, “Pleeeeeeeese.”

I drove God to the store. I was in a bad mood the whole way there and back. We played. God won. I got upset and tipped over the board.

God said, “Why’d you do that?”

I stormed into my house and slammed the door. I laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling

God tapped on my living room window. I didn’t look. God tapped again. Then again.

Finally I looked. God shrugged and made a funny face up against the glass.

I got up and closed the curtains.

Walking with the king

I was visited by the ghost of King Charlemagne. He was wearing his crown. It was a crappy looking crown, dented with rust.

I asked him if he would like to go for a walk. It was my exercise time, and I don’t hold back my life for the undead. He agreed.

On our walk, I pointed out birds that were interesting to me.

I said, “I like that red cardinal. The bright color makes me want to prance around in circles and yelp.”

The ghost of King Charlemagne said, “Why don’t you then?”

I said, “It would scare off the cardinal and my joy would end.”

Lunch with Shiva

I had lunch with Shiva, the all powerful Hindu god of destruction.

Shiva said, “Could I have some of your fries?”

I said, “No.”

Shiva said, “Come on, don’t be a jerk. Let me have some.”

I said, “You always do this. You don’t order fries and then you try and eat mine.”

Shiva said, “Because I know you’ll order them, dummy.”

I said, “You’re being an asshole.”

Shiva said, “That’s who I am baby. Get used to it!”

I paused. I said, “What’s wrong?”

Shiva said, “I don’t know what you mean?”

I didn’t say anything.

Shiva’s upper lip started to quiver.

Shiva broke down crying.

Through sobs, Shiva said, “Pookie’s gone!”

I said, “Who?”

Shiva said, “My teddy. I looked under the sheets, under the bed. Where could he have gone?!! Will you come over and help me find him?”

I said, “Sure.”

We got up. I put money for both our meals on the table.

Shiva grabbed a handful of my fries and stuffed them in his mouth.

5 things I did today

Five things I did today:

I dug a hole to the center of the Earth. When I got there, I discovered a silver spinning gyroscope on a wooden table. It was the size of monkey’s fist.

I found that blue marble that’s been missing for a week.

I called the doctor who helped deliver me when I was born. I asked her if I was a difficult birth. She said, “Not particularly, but you shielded your eyes and complained about how everything was so bright.”

I helped a worm cross the road. It didn’t say thanks. I said I was upset. The worm apologized and said, “Thank you.”

I looked up at the sky and told the Sun it was doing a good job. The Sun said, “I definitely feel like it’s one of my better days.”

A dream about a friend

I climbed to the top of the tree. I hung on tight as the wind rocked it back and forth. But the swaying made me sleepy and I fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was on a boat ride with my friend the Sun. The Sun said it had never been on a boat before. I said it was good to do new things. The Sun and I held hands. My fingers were okay and didn’t get burnt.