So far, today

Things that happened so far today:

1. I woke up tired. I made my way to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. The me looking back said, “Why the long face?” I said to that me, “I didn’t sleep well.” The me looking back said, “What if you went back to bed?” I nodded and went back into the bedroom and got under the covers. I laid there for a while, looking at the ceiling. I sighed. From the bathroom I heard, “Are you still awake?” I said, “Yes.” I heard, “I’m gonna sing you a lullaby…Look at me, look at me, I’m a tree and I’m two-hundred and twenty-three!” I was asleep in seconds.
2. When I woke back up I felt better and decided to make myself pancakes. The water had been shut off for a week due to a debacle at the local water plant. The resulting pancakes were crumbles and powdery. They were delicious!
3. I went for a walk. I passed by the water plant. I knocked on the door. One of the workers opened the door. I asked, “How long until the water gets turned back on?” The water plant worker said, “Maybe in another week. Maybe.” I said, “What are you doing for drinking water?” The worker said, “I’ve been drinking a lot of soda. How about you?” I said, “My brother–in-law is the pastor at St. Stevens. He’s been letting me drink from the holy water.” The worker said, “What’s that like?” I said, “It gives me indigestion at the same time as acceptance of the discomfort.”

As far as I could go

I rode in my boat to the Arctic Ocean. It was a rowboat. My hands hurt. But when I landed on a floating Arctic ice sheet and put my hands in the snow, they began to feel relief.

I pushed my boat away from the ice sheet. I watched it drift away.

I walked North. I wasn’t cold. I wore a shawl, three sweatshirts, lambswool pants, whale skin boots, and a space helmet. The space helmet kept out the cold and wind, though it fogged up often, and was the cause of multiple trippings.

After miles of trudging, I walked into the North pole itself and slightly cracked the plastic front of the helmet. The surprise benefit was the fogging ceased.

I hugged the pole. I was lonely. It brought me comfort.

I heard, “Get a room.”

I turned to discover a polar bear a few feet from me.

I un-hugged the pole. I said I was tired and only resting.

The polar bear came closer, its nose was within an inch of my face. It pulled off my space helmet and stroked my face with a rough paw. I pet the polar bear’s furry face. We touched foreheads.

I asked the polar bear if it was hungry. It said it was.

I brought out two cookies from my pocket. They were chocolate chip.

Better Late Than Dead! The Book

Are you looking to laugh? Better Late Than Dead just might be of assistance in that area. Humorist Brooks Palmer helps pull the rug out from under the seriousness of life. With his words of wisdom, short stories, and cartoons, he pokes fun at the human condition in a way that is inclusive and hilarious. Order it today!

“Brooks Palmer is the Philosopher King of Comedy. He is a time-traveling yogi who speaks with God and listens in on the Sun and the Moon as they quarrel. He is the master of the anti-punchline. His comedy is a Möbius strip of depth and simplicity forming one continuous side of thought-provoking, philosophical humor, always with a unique point of view. This book is his invitation to go on a journey with him and seethe universe in a different way. Trust me, you will feel special having made the trip.”
— Craig Shaynak , author of Fat, Bald, and Loud

“Better Late Than Dead! is a hilarious collection of cartoons and writings that one might think could have only been concocted by a hybrid of Shel Silverstein and Jack Handey. But fortunately the delightfully twisted mind of Brooks Palmer has done it instead. His observations on life and quirky encounters with God and a host of random characters (like the ghost of Woodrow Wilson and Igor Stravinsky) made me laugh with every page. “
— Marc Hartzman , author of American Sideshow and The Embalmed Head of Oliver Cromwell: A Memoir

“Sly, witty, wise and humorous in a satisfyingly subtle way that no mere comedian or comic writer could possibly match, this is a book that you will ponder over, read out loud to friends, and read to yourself again and again — the first time with delight, and after that with an appreciation for just how original a work it really is.”
— Michael Antman, author of Cherry Whip (ENC Press)

Quarters!

I was tossing a quarter into the wishing well when due to my enthusiasm I fell in. My landing was softened by the great amount of quarters on the well’s floor. I rolled around on the quarters and loved the sound of the coins rustling against each other.

I was having so much fun that time flew by and soon it was dark. The wonderful thing about this was the moonlight made the quarters sparkle and reflect off the well’s walls. I continued rolling around in the midst of this terrific light show.

Because the coins made things cushiony I relaxed and fell asleep.’

When I awoke it was morning. I heard someone up above. They were saying their wishes out loud but they hadn’t tossed in their quarter. I asked them what was going on. They said they were reviewing their wishes in order to pick the best one before tossing in their quarter.

I said, “No matter what you wish for, it won’t be any better than rolling around on the quarters down here.”

That person jumped down into the well.

We spent the entire day rolling around on the quarters.

The height

I got out of bed and felt odd. I looked down and saw my feet weren’t touching the ground. They were one inch from the floor. I tried pushing down harder, but nothing.

I walked to the kitchen for breakfast. I kept feeling like I was going to fall. The best part was I felt like Jesus must have felt when he walked on water.

My dog Rexy noticed my height discrepancy and said, “You’ll do anything to get attention.”

Difficulty in the desert

I was walking through the desert when I was approached by a coyote.

The coyote said, “My name is Jerome. May I join you?

I said, “Yeah, sure. I’m Brooks.”

We walked for a while, in silence.

Jerome said, “Excuse me, Brooks, but I need to talk with the cactus for a moment. Would you excuse me?”

I nodded.

Jerome walked to a cactus and they began a conversation. The discussion became heated. Accusations were hurled. I thought there might be violence.

I wanted to walk away. But, I couldn’t stop staring at their combustion.

The shouting ceased. I heard them breathe. I couldn’t make out a whisper from the cactus. Jerome cocked his head, and scratched his ear with his back leg. He walked away, stopped, and looked back.

Jerome returned to me and said, “Thanks for waiting.”

I said, “Is everything okay?”

Jerome said, “Like a lily in the palm of a gorilla.”