Roll with the changes

I got locked in the grocery store last night. I had fallen asleep in the bathroom. When I woke up, I went out into the store and all the lights were out.

I tried to go out the front door, but it was locked. So, I did the next best thing and went to the ice cream isle and began to eat from various containers.

Then I found a can opener and began eating from cans of French cut string beans. I love their taste and they have a way of alleviating the abrasiveness of life.

I opened up a bag of Cheetos. But they were too salty, so I stopped eating them.

I got tired and did what I’d always wanted to do, which was lay down in a bed of lettuce and use a sheet cake as a pillow.

What I had for lunch

My bank account was low, so I took a walk to the end of the rainbow, hoping to grab a few handfuls from the pot of gold.

The pot was filled with cans of tuna fish. I like tuna fish. But I can’t pay bills with them.

I asked the rainbow if it could fill its pot with currency. The rainbow said it could only refill the pot when it was empty.

I sighed and asked if it had a can opener?

Someone left the manhole cover off, so I fell into the sewer.

I landed in the dank morass, but I didn’t mind because if it were hard ground, I might have injured my feet and/or legs.

I rode the current of the sewer rapids for roughly a half hour, then was promptly ejected out off a cliff side into the ocean below.

The ocean’s water was colder, so it took me a few minutes to adapt.

While treading water, a whale sidled up next to me.

The whale said, “You smell.”

I explained that I’d recently been traveling in sewer water.

The whale said, “Oh, then it should soon go away.”

I said, “I’m hoping so.”

Top picker

Me: God?

God: Yes, what is it now, Brooks?

Me: I wish I was really good, maybe even the best at something.

God: You are. I made you the best nose picker that’s ever been.

Me: Really? You mean that?

God: You’re my pride and joy.

Dumbability

God and I were fishing at the fishing hole.

God caught a fish every five minutes.

God said, “I noticed that you haven’t caught anything.”

I said, “It’s not fair because you’re the almighty and I’m just a dumb person.”

God said, “Would you be happy if I made you God?”

I said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!!”

God snapped fingers and said, “Okay.”

A half-hour later, I still hadn’t caught a fish.

The Benefit of Snacks

I was walking along the edge of the Earth and I wasn’t looking where I was going and I fell off.

I fell for a long while. Though it wasn’t like taking a nose dive off a cliff. I was plunging in space so it was slow and thick like I was an ant that fell into a jar of molasses.

After a couple of days I couldn’t see the Earth anymore. Luckily, I had a lot of snacks stuffed into my jacket and pants pockets. I’m big into eating and sometimes there are no food stores around.