The less fancy time travel trips

The less fancy time travel trips

Sure, the first twenty years I used my time machine just to meet famous people and see historic events. My therapist felt it was my way of feeling important. I said that was the only reason I do anything, and his eyes lit up because he knew with me he would be able to afford a really nice car.

After that notorious and illustrious swatch of binge time traveling, I began looking for trips that would bring me simplicity. That’s when I began to visit Paracelsus, The Cypress of Abarkuh, and Urgblap and Plemphf..


First, Paracelsus! He was the founder of Paracelsianism. Ah, you might be saying, “Isn’t he famous since he founded a way of thinking?” Yes. But he’s not realllly famous. He was known during his time for discoveries related to chemistry and the human body. Many people were known during their time, but they’re not known now, so what does it matter?

I didn’t visit Paracelsus because he was known. My reasons were he was a great walker. Not a robuster. He walked delicately. He enjoyed honoring his steps. He would tell me, “I like the sound of my foot moving through the air towards the ground.”¬†Paracelsus and I would walk for hours at a time. We never got very far because he took small steps, and walked in super slow motion in order to savor the landings of his feet on the ground. This is when I began to learn how to relish and be gradual.

I would time travel visit Paracelsus often in Salzburg, Austria, 1538, in the mornings because that’s when he went for his walk. I would greet him at his door with a duck. Ducks back then were a way to say, “I cherish our special friendship.” (Because I visited him a little over thirty times, this allowed him to establish the only duck farm in the country, for which he became renowned, but later infamous when those ducks were linked to an avian influenza outbreak that wiped out most of the chicken livestock in Europe.)


Then there’s the Cypress of Abarkuh. Currently it’s a massive 5000 year old tree in Aburkah, Iran. But I’ve often time traveled back to the year 2983 BC, and sat with the tree when it was just a sapling. It was less than a foot high and ignored by all but me. I don’t know what it was about the Cypress, but I’d feel happy sitting with it. I’d tell it my problems. I’d sing it songs. I’d blow a gentle breath on the sapling, watching it dance ever so lightly.

Once, an aardvark was heading towards the Cypress with bad intent. Aardvarks are malicious creatures that mean nothing but ill will towards all species. I stood up protectively in front of the Cypress and hollered at the aardvark to retreat. The aardvark fumed, but went back to where it had come from. The Cypress was quivering from fear. I said that everything was okay. The Cypress calmed down. I don’t know what it is about that delicate newbie that makes my heart consistently ricochet against my rib cage.


Lastly, there’s Urgblap and Plemphf. They were a sweet neanderthal couple that I have often time traveled to the plains of what’s now Europe, 450,000 years ago, to visit. On my first visit they tried to kill me with their rudimentary tools, but at the last second when I offered them a selection of Peeps Easter bunny marshmallow candy, they spared me, and we became fast friends. I have often felt at home when they generously serve me a prepared meal of slugs and spores on a rock. At others times we would walk hand in hand naked through the desert, staring at the Sun until we went temporarily blind.

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