When I was a mouse, I lived in constant fear of becoming an eagle’s lunch.
So I did the smart thing and became an eagle.
But when I got hungry, I didn’t want to eat the mice running around on the forest floor because many of them had been close friends of mine. So, I was constantly hungry.
Good decisions are never made on an empty stomach, so I thought things would be better if I became a human.
I started my new job as Secretary of the Treasury today.
My favorite part so far is the McKinley Fun-Time Yowza Room.
You go in by yourself, they turn on the fans, and you dance to My Sharona amidst a swirling mass of discontinued $500 currency bills.
I was out for a stroll when I fell into a hole.
At first I was panicked, but then I kept falling and after about fifteen minutes I began to relax.
I noticed that the further I fell, the dirt walls of the sides of the hole got warmer. I was delighted that the breeze from the falling cooled me off in a nice way.
I soon drifted off into a deep nap. I dreamt of a field of lilies. Some were smiling at me. Some frowned.
Penguin Random House is publishing my new book called How to Stop Making Mistakes in Your Life!!
It’s basically about how we sometimes make mistakes, and we could stop doing that if we just didn’t make mistakes.
Some of hot tips from the book:
1. When you get up in the morning, tell yourself, “Hey, no mistakes today!”
2. When you feel like you’re about to make a mistake, don’t.
3. Repeat the mantra, “IODTRT.” (I only do the right thing.)
I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t realize I walked into a hurricane.
I actually didn’t notice until I was inside the eye of the twister. I happened to look up because I heard mooing and saw a cow circling in the air around me.
I shrugged to the cow because I wanted to help but couldn’t. The cow shrugged its shoulders back to me in what I guess was an understanding, but at those high speeds it was hard to tell.
I discovered a $10,000 Salmon P. Chase currency bill in the side pocket of a used suitcase I bought at the Salvation Army.
I was thirsty and tried to use the money to buy a can of 7-UP from the 7-11. The store didn’t have enough change.
I was actually okay about it, because I remembered that 7-UP always makes me thirsty.
I got locked in the grocery store last night. I had fallen asleep in the bathroom. When I woke up, I went out into the store and all the lights were out.
I tried to go out the front door, but it was locked. So, I did the next best thing and went to the ice cream isle and began to eat from various containers.
Then I found a can opener and began eating from cans of French cut string beans. I love their taste and they have a way of alleviating the abrasiveness of life.
I opened up a bag of Cheetos. But they were too salty, so I stopped eating them.
I got tired and did what I’d always wanted to do, which was lay down in a bed of lettuce and use a sheet cake as a pillow.
My bank account was low, so I took a walk to the end of the rainbow, hoping to grab a few handfuls from the pot of gold.
The pot was filled with cans of tuna fish. I like tuna fish. But I can’t pay bills with them.
I asked the rainbow if it could fill its pot with currency. The rainbow said it could only refill the pot when it was empty.
I sighed and asked if it had a can opener?
Someone left the manhole cover off, so I fell into the sewer.
I landed in the dank morass, but I didn’t mind because if it were hard ground, I might have injured my feet and/or legs.
I rode the current of the sewer rapids for roughly a half hour, then was promptly ejected out off a cliff side into the ocean below.
The ocean’s water was colder, so it took me a few minutes to adapt.
While treading water, a whale sidled up next to me.
The whale said, “You smell.”
I explained that I’d recently been traveling in sewer water.
The whale said, “Oh, then it should soon go away.”
I said, “I’m hoping so.”
Me: God?
God: Yes, what is it now, Brooks?
Me: I wish I was really good, maybe even the best at something.
God: You are. I made you the best nose picker that’s ever been.
Me: Really? You mean that?
God: You’re my pride and joy.
Brooks is a writer, painter, singer, performer, and speaker.
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