Meeting the First President

When I was very young, my mother took me to meet President George Washington. I was awfully nervous. He was like a god to me. I heard that on the battlefields of the Revolutionary War, he would open his mouth and flames would shoot out, burning the British soldiers to a crisp. What if he didn’t like me, and I got toasted like a marshmallow.

When President Washington tried to pat me on the head, I fearfully jumped back, thinking he was going to use his other super power, smashing things flat with hydraulic arm. President Washington sensed my terror and said, “You needn’t worry, lad, it’s my other arm that’s hydraulic.”

 

Greetings from Chuck the Igneous Rock

Hi, I’m Chuck the Igneous Rock. I’ve always wanted to meet you. There’s just something about you that’s been drawing me like a magnet.

I traveled a long distance to be with you today. I came from deep within the Earth. I had to be shot out as lava, then I cooled, and then I had to break apart from a greater mass. After that I had to shine in just the right way to get a walker-byer to stop and pick me up, bring me home, take my picture, and then put it on the internet. All this, just so we could have this moment together.

I have to say that you are more amazing than I expected!

Check out the new As You Are show page!

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Being the Death Valley

Last night I dreamt that I was Death Valley National Park. I was the accumulation of the desert sands, the rocks, the scarce shrubs and tiny plants, and the critters like armadillos, coyotes, and turtles.

Even though I was millions of years old, I felt young. You could even say springily. It turns out an area of land feels young because it sees itself in a universe that’s trillions of years old. It’s a youngster.

I found myself appreciating the Sun beaming down on me. I loved that heat as it baked me, and stored in my rocks, dirt, and underground rivers. I felt like I was a savings account for the Sun’s rays.

Occasionally a family of humans would drive across one of the many roads that traverse me. The family would get out and take photos with their portable telephones. The humans had such a strange smell, and were loud. But I wasn’t bothered because they were a brief blip on my time radar.

My interesting hobby

I took my time-travel machine back to May 2nd, 1519, to a large château in the city of Amboise, France. I wandered around until I found the room with Leonardo Da Vinci on his death bed.

Leonardo was alone, as his nurse was asleep in a chair outside the room.

Leonardo looked up at me and said something in Italian. I don’t speak the language, so I pointed to my mouth and shook my head. He was breathing fast, and looked very tired, and afraid. I picked up a towel from the nightstand, and mopped his fevered brow.

I sat down in a chair next to Leonardo and held his hand. His breathing slowed. His eyes got soft. I began to hum a song to him that I made up. His eyes closed and he smiled. His breath came to a stop. I put his hands, one over the other, on his chest.

I took his picture with my iPhone and left the room. I got back in my time machine and returned to the current time. I hooked up the phone to my computer and downloaded the death photo of Leonardo Da Vinci. I put the photo in a folder called DHC. That stands for Dead Historic Celebrities.

I get a lot of pleasure traveling back in time to just before the death moment of famous people in history. When I arrive, I do what I can to bring them peace of mind. And when they die, I snap their picture. Helping them relax often results in a photo with a posthumous beatific expression.

The previous week I traveled back 1336 BC to share the final moments of life with Akhenaten, an 18th dynasty pharaoh of Egypt. He also lay in his death bed. When he saw me, he said, “Osiris!” who was the god of the afterlife. He must have thought I was there to accompany him to the after-world. He slipped away with a grin like the Cheshire Cat.