Pre-birth Brooks

I took a ride in my time-machine back to my parent’s house the day before I was born.

I knocked and my dad answered. As a subterfuge I said I was selling Fuller Brushes. I didn’t want my parents to know it was me. They would be less surprised and possibly less interested to meet me as baby, which would have had problems of its own.

My dad said, “We’re not interested.” From within the house, my mom said, “Who is it, dear?” My dad said, “It’s a guy selling Fuller Brushes.” My mom said, “I heard those are good brushes. Buy three.” My dad rolled his eyes and said, “We’ll take three.” I said I didn’t have the brushes on me. I would turn the order into the main office and they would get the brushes in two weeks.

My dad took out his wallet and said, “How much do I owe you?” I said he didn’t owe me anything. He would pay when the brushes arrive in two weeks. He said, “Aren’t you going to give me a copy of the order?” I said the company eliminated paper work as a way to reduce global warming. He said, “What’s global warming?”

My mom came to the door. She was very pregnant. She said to my dad, “Where are the brushes?” My dad said, “We have to wait two weeks.” My mom said, “Oh.” My mom looked at me. She said, “You look familiar. Where do I know you from?” I said I’d done an Alka-Seltzer commercial a few months back.

She said, “Oooh, the baby kicked! I asked when the baby was due. She said, “Hopefully in the next week.” I asked if they picked out a name. My dad said, “H-41-Z-9.”

Things that happened on the Moon

I took my rocket ship to the Moon and got out and went for a walk. I like the surface of the Moon because it’s soft dust. As the dust flew up into the air I imagined each particle was a miniature Moon.

I walked till I got to a crater. I sat on the edge and looked up at the Earth. The Earth started to vibrate. Then it began to dance. I stood up to dance along, but I lost my balance and fell into the crater.

I landed and lay on my back. I looked up into the starry sky. One of the stars said, “Are you okay, Brooks?” I said, “I think so.”

The Secret World of Brooks

I often daydreamed when I was a kid in school. The teacher would be going on and on about the subject they were paid to teach and I would be imagining the Secret World of Brooks. It was a dazzling world.

In this hidden to others land, the Sun would come down from the sky and we would hang out. The Sun and I couldn’t get enough of each other’s company. The Sun would say, “You’re the Brookiest!,” and I would say, “Sun, you’re the best burning ball in the sky!”

The Sun and I would hold hands and the skin on my hand never got burnt.

Sometimes I would run on the Sun while it rolled under my feet. It was like a burning treadmill.

I also had secret discussions with my desk. The desk was all one piece desk and chair. I remember once saying to to my desk, “Hey, Desk?” The desk said, “Yeah, Brooks?” I said, “Do you mind me sitting on you?” My desk said, “Brooks, I can’t hold you up any longer!” I felt badly and stood up. My teacher said, “Brooks, please sit down.” I looked back at the chair and then back at the teacher. The teacher said, “Brooks, if I have to tell you again, you’ll get detention.” My chair said, “Brooks, I was just joking, sit back down.” I sat back down. I said to my desk, “You got me that time, Desk.”

Even though I daydreamed through the majority of my classes, I got good grades. When we were given a test, I asked my pencil, “Would you answer these questions for me?” My pencil’s name was Stan and it was really smart. Stan the Pencil said, “Sure, Brooks.” The pencil began writing away while I hung out in the Fred Zone. I still have Stan the Pencil. Stan no longer answers tests for me. Mostly we watch movies together.

Taking my brain for a walk

My brain popped out of my head through my ear and landed on the floor. I said, “What are you doing down there?” My brain said, “I need some fresh air.” I said, “Okay, how about I take you outside for a walk?” My brain said, “I would like that!”

I picked up my brain, held it under my arm, and went outside. My brain said, “Wow, it’s beautiful out here.” I said, “I’m glad you like it.” My brain, “It’s so nice to feel the breeze. I’ve never felt breeze before. And the sun’s rays are so nicely warm!”

The neighbor’s dog Wickle came up and said, “What’s that you got under your arm there, Brooks?” I said, “It’s my brain.” Wickle the dog said, “Can I eat it?” I said, “No, I’m gonna need it later.” Wickle said, “Can I at least smell it?” I said, “Sure.” I lowered my brain to Wickle who sniffed and started to lick my brain. My brain laughed and said, “Oh, it tickles!”

My made-to-order fruit tree

I have a fruit tree in my backyard that makes fruit to order. I go out to the tree. The tree says, “Yes, Brooks?” I request a particular piece of fruit. The tree says, “Okay, it will be a few minutes.” I take a seat in a chair next to the tree. There’s a small table next to the tree with a few magazines and a tip jar.

After a moment the tree produces the requested fruit, or something very near it. Once I asked for a Stayman apple and I got a Fuji instead.

I remove the fruit from the branch and eat the fruit. Sometimes it’s a grape. Sometimes a watermelon. Today I had a papaya.

The rest of the time the tree has no fruit on any of its branches. I asked once why it won’t make unordered fruit. The tree said, “It’s a lot of work to make fruit. If you don’t want any, I’m not gonna waste my time.”