Setting things straight

Me: Is it true that you won’t give me more than I can handle?

God: Ha-ha-ha, that’s certainly not true. It’s very funny though. Did you come up with that?

Me: No, it’s actually a very popular saying.

God: Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that’s too much! It’s more than I can handle, ha-ha-ha!

The reason why

Me: God, why did you create the situation with Donald Trump?

God: You know how you get sick, and you feel miserable, like you’ll never be well again, but eventually you do get well, and you actually feel better than before you were sick?

Me: Yes. And?

God: Wait.

Hello, me

I was cooking oatmeal for dinner when I was visited by myself from the future via a time machine.

I asked what the future me was doing here.

The future me said, “I wanted to come back and visit the high point of my life.”

The now me said, “Nothing has been better than this?”

The future me said, “Nope.”

The now me shed a tear which landed in the oatmeal and spontaneously created a rainbow.

The future me said, “See?”

Swordy!

I was walking on the bottom of the ocean. After about a good hour of taking my aqua strides, a swordfish swam alongside me.

The swordfish said, “Excuse me, but how is it that you are able to be underwater without any viable means of oxygen?”

I said I didn’t know or care.

The swordfish said, “So are you saying that your desire not to know why allows you to partake in an otherwise impossible act?”

I said that I had no idea.

The swordfish swam alongside me silently for a while. I held its side fin. The swordfish began to purr!