I discovered a $10,000 Salmon P. Chase currency bill in the side pocket of a used suitcase I bought at the Salvation Army.
I was thirsty and tried to use the money to buy a can of 7-UP from the 7-11. The store didn’t have enough change.
I was actually okay about it, because I remembered that 7-UP always makes me thirsty.
I got locked in the grocery store last night. I had fallen asleep in the bathroom. When I woke up, I went out into the store and all the lights were out.
I tried to go out the front door, but it was locked. So, I did the next best thing and went to the ice cream isle and began to eat from various containers.
Then I found a can opener and began eating from cans of French cut string beans. I love their taste and they have a way of alleviating the abrasiveness of life.
I opened up a bag of Cheetos. But they were too salty, so I stopped eating them.
I got tired and did what I’d always wanted to do, which was lay down in a bed of lettuce and use a sheet cake as a pillow.
My bank account was low, so I took a walk to the end of the rainbow, hoping to grab a few handfuls from the pot of gold.
The pot was filled with cans of tuna fish. I like tuna fish. But I can’t pay bills with them.
I asked the rainbow if it could fill its pot with currency. The rainbow said it could only refill the pot when it was empty.
I sighed and asked if it had a can opener?
Someone left the manhole cover off, so I fell into the sewer.
I landed in the dank morass, but I didn’t mind because if it were hard ground, I might have injured my feet and/or legs.
I rode the current of the sewer rapids for roughly a half hour, then was promptly ejected out off a cliff side into the ocean below.
The ocean’s water was colder, so it took me a few minutes to adapt.
While treading water, a whale sidled up next to me.
The whale said, “You smell.”
I explained that I’d recently been traveling in sewer water.
The whale said, “Oh, then it should soon go away.”
I said, “I’m hoping so.”
Me: God?
God: Yes, what is it now, Brooks?
Me: I wish I was really good, maybe even the best at something.
God: You are. I made you the best nose picker that’s ever been.
Me: Really? You mean that?
God: You’re my pride and joy.