Occurrences

I lay down on the grass. The grass said, “You’re awfully heavy.” I said, “Should I get up?” The grass said, “That would be up to you.” I said, “What if you just told me what you wanted.” The grass said, “You’re bigger than me, what can I do?”

I stood up. I looked down on the impression of my body on the blades of grass. I said, “I’m sorry I weighed you down.” The grass said, “If you want the truth, where you are standing on me doesn’t feel too good.”

…..

I took my rocket ship to the Moon. I got out and went for a walk. I walked hours and hours for long stretches, and then up and down up and down many craters. I got back in my rocket ship and flew back home. I went into my house. I sat on the couch. I felt sleepy. I was too tired to get up and fell asleep on the couch.

…..

I was driving along the cliff when I got too close and drove off into the air. For a few moments I was flying straight in my car. A bird tapped its beak on the passenger side window. I opened it. The bird said, “Where are you headed?” I said, “Down to the bottom of the cliff.” The bird said, “Can I get a ride?” I said yes. The bird came in and sat in the passenger seat. The bird said, “This is a nice ride.” I said, “It’s very comfy, isn’t it?” The bird nodded.

3 things that happened to me

I was upset at the sky. No particular reason. It rubbed me the wrong way. The sky took it personally and filled with clouds. It soon started to rain. The ground didn’t like this and told me I needed to friend myself with the sky. I said that wouldn’t be honest to my feelings. The ground began to shake. I got the message and looked up at the sky and fake professed my love and asked for forgiveness. I guess because the sky was far away, it didn’t catch on to my false nature. The rain stopped and the clouds split. The sun spurt me with its rays. I nodded, pretending that I liked it.

One of the otters at the zoo said something disparaging to my wife. She looked at me to say something to them. I didn’t want to get in a fight with her so I said something mean-spirited back to the otter. Another otter, defending the original otter, said something fowl about my demeanor. That got my goat and I sent a barrage of vile word bombs back. The rest of the otters yelled upsetting statements my way. I jumped the metal fence, landed in the otter’s pool, and got into physical altercations with the otters en masse. Some employees of the zoo jumped in and pulled me back on land. I was seething, wet, and smelled badly because otters peed in that water. I went with my wife to the gift shop and bought myself sweat pants and a jacket with the zoo’s insignia. Then we went to see the bears.

I’d had enough and tunneled to the Core of the Earth. The Core was in a bad mood and asked what I was doing there. I said I’d needed to get away from things. The Core asked me to leave. I said that I couldn’t right away because I was tired from all the tunneling. The Core sighed hard and asked how long I would need to rest up. I said I didn’t know, maybe a couple of hours. The Core sighed harder and tried to ignore me. I attempted to rest but it was hard to relax because the atmosphere was tense. The Core kept looking at its watch and sighing. In an attempt to soften the strained relations, I asked what was bugging the Core so much anyway. The Core said something about how it was its birthday was yesterday and no one remembered. I didn’t care a tiny ounce about the Core’s birthday but in an attempt to lesson its ire I mumbled something along the lines of Happy Birthday. The Core thanked me and asked why I needed to get away from things. I said every two weeks I get my fill of dumb stuff and go to some isolated place. Two weeks ago I’d gone to the Moon and spent a long day listening to the Moon complain that no one ever calls it by its name, Poultice Jones.

Another argument with God

I have a statue of God out in my front yard. I didn’t put it there. God is a good friend of mine and thought I would like it and had it delivered. It’s fourteen feet tall and made of brass.

The thing is the elements tarnished the brass over time and it ended up looking crappy. I spent two days scouring the statue with harsh cleansers and stainless steel heavy-weight pads.

God came over the next day, looked at the metal effigy, commenting I was lucky to have such a good friend who would give me such a shiny statue. I mentioned that, yes, I have a good friend, and the statue shined due to my efforts. God said I embarrassed myself in my false claim to the effulgence.

I kicked over the statue. God told me to pick it back up. I refused. God struggled to right the metallic likeness and gave up due to a strained back muscle.

I hum a lot

I hum a lot. Often people ask me what I said. I tell them I didn’t say anything. I was humming. They say that I must really like humming. I concur.

I hum most of the time. I even hum when I’m swimming under water. I’m a loud hummer, so much so that when the sound bubbles reach the surface, I’m told they sound like a motor boat. People swimming near-bye will panic, thinking they are about to be hit by a reckless boat driver.

I like to lean against trees too. Though I do it less than humming. About half as much time. But I’m most often humming when I lean against a tree. It feels good to do two things I like at the same time.

Three stories where things were difficult and got better

I went over to God’s house. There was trash all over the place. God was sprawled on the couch watching some stupid movie on Netflix. I asked if God wanted to go out for a walk. God murmured something. I unplugged the TV. God threw a fit and got up to plug the TV back in and tripped over a pizza box. It was one of those falls where the fall-ee is so dulled that they can’t react in time and hit the ground full force. God is dense, so it shook the ground and blew out neighborhood windows and set off some car alarms. God lay there in a stupor. I got down on the floor next to God and snapped our picture. I went for a walk to CVS and got them to one-hour photo a 36×48 image. They sold me a frame. The framed picture hangs over my couch illuminated by a spotlight.

Ants invaded my house. I got upset and yelled at them. None of them noticed. I went to formicidae.com to see what I should do. They suggested doing what I could to make the ants comfortable. The thing is ants have extremely low self-esteem. They can’t stand it if you treat them well. So I got down on the ground with a pen and notebook and I said, “I’m really glad you’re here, ants! You look amazing! Let me know what you’d like, and I’ll move heaven and earth to get it.” The ants stopped their tiny feet tromping and began to shake. They looked like they were being cooked from the inside. The few that didn’t keel over managed to move and made it out through the crack between the floor and the wall. I got out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the remains of the tumult.

I climbed to the top of the mountain. It took me a good five-and-a-half hours. When I got there, I sat on the tippy-top. The mountain said, “Hey, would you mind not sitting there?” I said, “I’m tired. I need to rest.” The mountain said, “That’s not my problem.” I said, “Could you give me a minute?” The mountain said, “Just get the hell off of me!” I stood up. I said, “Is this okay?” The mountain said, “Yes, thanks.” I said, “What’s the difference between me sitting or standing on the same spot?” The mountain said, “One feels good, the other doesn’t.”

Things which happened that involve animals and some insects

There was a fire at the zoo. Many of the animals escaped. A giraffe made it to my door and knocked. I answered. The giraffe asked if it could live in my backyard. I agreed. That night I was awoken by the giraffe knocking on my bedroom window. I asked what was up. The giraffe said it was lonesome. Since giraffes sleep standing up, I let it sleep with its head on the bed next to me.

I dug a hole in my backyard. Water came gushing out. I’d hit the water main. The backyard flooded. Two swans flew down and landed on my lake. I nodded to them. They ignored me.

I was gone for a day. When I came back, I found my kitchen overrun with rats. They were helping themselves to the food in my pantry. One of the rats asked if I could open my refrigerator. I opened the refrigerator. Rats went in and started eating the food. They stayed inside while they ate because they like cool temperatures.

I answered the door. It was a water buffalo named Max. Max was selling subscriptions to Grit, “America’s Greatest Family Newspaper.” I subscribed. The next day I got the first delivery. My attention was drawn to an article on the front page, “The Sun’s Name Discovered: Theodore Powser.”

I woke up to ants crawling across my bed sheets. There was an uproar because I moved, causing a number of the ants to lose their balance and fall over. I lay still and asked how much longer it would take. One of the ants said, “When we’re done, we’ll let you know.”

I went to see a movie at my local theater. A bear sat in front of me. The bear talked loudly to its friend a peacock. The peacock answered back with high pitch screams. I leaned forward and asked if they could keep it down. The bear and peacock apologized. Things were quiet. I fell asleep since I was tired from the previous long night of canning pears. I was woken by a butterfly usher who said some of the patrons complained about my snoring.