Skating on Saturn’s rings

I got in my rocket ship and flew to the rings of Saturn. I parked just outside, put on my spacesuit and ice skates, got out, and began to skate on the rings. They are solid ice and multicolored, so it was like skating on a rainbow. It’s like the 12th time I’ve done it and it never gets old.

I did two laps around the rings. It allowed me to clear my thoughts. I love living on the Earth, but with all the people on the planet, it can sometimes be hard to think clearly.

I got back in my spaceship and had a bowl of SpaghettiOs. For desert I had a caramel-coated apple.

I was looking out the window when an asteroid passed by. The asteroid looked startled when I waved. Not everyone is as naturally friendly as me.

Fun with falling

Today I got out of bed and fell for a long, long, long while. While I was falling, I wondered what happened to the floor? It was there last night when I went to bed. And how was my bed not falling? It seems that my bed should have been falling along with me.

I counted the seconds as I fell. I figured that 15 seconds of falling equaled a half mile. I’d counted to 350 seconds. That was over two miles. I continued counting.

I looked down and didn’t see I was approaching any kind of ground. After 20,000 seconds I stopped counting. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the air. It was relaxing and I fell asleep.

I had a dream where I was a turtle. I was sunning myself on a beach. The sun felt good on my shell. I started to hum. A seagull landed next to me. The seagull said, “That’s some amazing humming. I said, “Thanks. The seagull said, “What’s the name of that song you’re humming?” I said it was called Life is the Best Chewing Gum. The seagull said, “What are the words to the song?” I said, “It’s an instrumental.”

I woke back up. I was still falling.

Suddenly I landed on a cloud. The cloud said, “Hey, what the hell!?!” I said, “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” The cloud said, “No, but you startled me.” I apologized again. The cloud said, “That’s okay. My name is Percibal.” I said, “I’m Brooks. It’s really nice up here.” The cloud said, “Tell me about it!”

Hanging out with my ghost buddy Abe

I was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. He showed up suddenly and said, “Hey, Brooks!” I said, “Hi, Abe!” He’s been visiting me every Friday afternoon for the past seven years. I asked him why once. He said, “I don’t know why.” I said, “That’s good enough for me.”

Abe said, “Can we visit the beehive?” I said, “Yeah!” There’s a big beehive out in the woods behind my house. We went out to the beehive. Ghosts can’t be stung, so Abe stuck his ghost hand up into the hive and the honey came flowing out. Honey is one of the three foods that ghosts can eat. The other two are pomegranates and oatmeal raisin cookies.

While bees flew through and around Abe, he put his head under the hive and drank the honey like water from a spigot. Abe finished and said, “Your turn.” I said, “No, thanks. I’m stingable remember.” He said, “Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re not dead. But when you finally keel over, it’s your turn.” I said, “It’s a deal!”

All about the castle I discovered on my walk

I was out for a walk when I came upon a castle. It’s funny how you don’t notice something, and then one day you do.

I went up to the castle and knocked. The knock echoed through the house. I heard footsteps approaching. The door opened slowly with a creak.

A butler answered the door. He was startled and said, “Monsieur Brooks!”

I said, “Yes?”

The butler said, “We’ve been very worried about you. It’s wonderful to have you back home.”

I didn’t say anything. When stuff is really mysterious and confusing, I like to stay silent. I figure I need my wits about me.

I said, “Thanks, Mr. Butler.”

The butler laughed and said, “Oh, sir. I’ve missed your humor.”

I went in. The room was as high as a redwood tree and was the length of a football field. I whistled. The whistle echoed back and forth a full minute.

Three maids and another butler came from other rooms. They smiled and expressed their joys at seeing me. The chef came into the room and said, “Brooksie! It’s been so long! I’m going to cook you a fantastic feast!” and left for what I imagined was the kitchen.

The butler took my crown and said, “I’m going to give this a good polish!” He left and went to a different room.

The rest of the butlers and maids looked at me with enthusiasm. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s good to be back?” They nodded and went off to other rooms.

I wandered around. I found a room with a 1000 foot swimming pool. Another was stacked two hundred feet high with Bubble Yum and Bazooka Joe gum. I discovered a room with a massive aquarium occupied with two whales who said, “Hi, B!” And still another room which was a massive closet that contained hundreds of red shirts with a plus-sign on the chest.

I found the bedroom. It was much smaller then the other rooms. It had a regular sized bed. There was an old TV on a stand. There was no remote control. I turned it on by hand. It took a while for it to warm up. The picture was in black and white. It was a show about two dogs and a cat. I sat on bed and watched the show.

Dealing with the whirlpool

I have a pond in my backyard. I went out there this morning and was surprised to discover a whirlpool right in the middle of it. The water was rapidly spinning. A duck landed in the pond and got sucked right down under the water.

I told the whirlpool, “Excuse me but would you please stop doing this?” The whirlpool said, “Don’t tell me what to do.” I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m telling you. Also please release the duck.”

Nothing changed.

I asked the whirlpool nicely again, but it gave me a smirk and continued right on spinning.

I jumped into the whirlpool. I swam against the spin. It was hard at first and I felt myself starting to get sucked down just like the duck. So I swam harder. The whirlpool tried to spin faster. But pretty soon it got weaker. And then the whirlpool was gone and the pond was back to normal.

The duck popped out of the water. It took a moment to catch its breath. I asked the duck if it was okay. The duck said, “Yes, Fred!”

Lunch with the boa constrictor

Today I was sitting under the elm tree in my backyard when a boa constrictor snake fell from the tree and landed in front of me. The snake said, “Do you mind if I eat you for lunch?” I thought about it. I consider all requests. It’s a kind thing to do.

I said to the snake, “Thanks for asking, but I prefer you ate something else.” The snake said, “Drat!” I said, “You know what?” The snake said, “No, what?” I said, “How would you like to share a bologna and Swiss cheese sandwich with me?”

The snake said, “Would you melt the cheese?” I said, “Do you really need to ask?” The snake smiled and said, “Yes, that would be great!”

I went inside and made the sandwich. I put it in the oven until the cheese was melted, and then I took it out. I cut the sandwich in half, putting each half on a plate.

I went outside and gave the snake a plate. The snake thanked me. We ate in silence. When we were done I said, “How was your sandwich?” The snake said, “I hope you don’t take it personally, but it was better than I imagine how you would have tasted.”