some dumb things I did in 2019

I continued doing these blog posts, hoping they would win either the MacArthur Fellowship, or the Pulitzer.

I bought a pet aardvark. I named it Boris. I took Boris with me wherever I went. He was always on a leash. Boris would find ants to eat on the sidewalk. I never had to buy Boris ants from the pet store. But then one day a lady was out for a walk with her pet ant. As they walked past Boris and I, Boris ate the ant. She lost it. I yelled at her for having a pet ant. I reacted that way because I’m uncomfortable when I cause anyone pain.

I was a democratic candidate for President. I was onstage for three of the debates. I was honest and said I had no solutions for the country’s ills. Instead I played harmonica and sang. I made up the songs. One was called, “I just like being on TV.” Another one was, “I’m an idiot, perhaps we have something in common.” And then there was, “I wish I were eating a sandwich.” The last song became a hit. People started sending me sandwiches in the mail. I ate some of them. But there were thousands and most were uneaten and went stale. When word got out about this, my ratings went into the toilet and I didn’t get invited back to the next debates. I’ll still be on the ballots. I’m hoping by the time people vote, they’ll forget how dumb I can be.