Perspectivizing the Queen

I was feeling sad and got in my time-travel machine to January 22nd, 1901, East Cowes, United Kingdom, the home of Queen Victoria. That’s the day she died. When I’m feeling out of sorts in anyway, I like to go where I can cheer someone up who’s doing worse than me. I call it perspectivizing. The great thing is that no matter what shit I’ve found myself in, there’s always someone who’s worse off. Like yesterday when I had that maddening headache and I went and cheered up Joan of Arc when she was about to be burnt at the stake, and my head felt better right away.

So there I was at the foot of Queen Victoria’s bed. She was coughing and wheezing. She could barely see. I got out my harmonica and played, while doing a jig. I was wearing glittery clothes as a sure way to additionally grab her attention. She stared at me as if I were an apparition. I started to sing, “Well, hello Queenie, Yes, hello Queenie, it’s me, yes, I’m really, really, really here!” The Queen was swept over with delight and began to clap in time to the words and my dancing. She took over the song and sang, “I’m the Queen, you bet your bootie, I’m the Queen, snooty, hooty, pooty!!”

At the end of the verse she died. A great smile shone on her royal visage. My sadness evaporated into the nothingness.