Things Brooks is ready for you to know about him

1. I like to stir water with a wooden spoon. I can do it for hours and never get tired. I use a big blue bowl that holds about a gallon of water

2. I sometimes get tired and need to lean against a tree. I can’t lean against a building. I did once and the building fell over. Luckily no one was inside.

3. My right eyebrow talks while I’m sleeping. I don’t hear it, but others have. Here are some of the things I’ve been told my right eyebrow has said, “I like to stay loose and snazzy.” “It’s my right to demand onions on that.” “Let’s get a posse together and catch the no-good Olsen.”

4. I was never born. I’m alive and all. But I never had a birth. I grew out of the ground. The people who ended up raising me thought I was a turnip and pulled me out of the ground. They put me in hot water for soup. I cried out. They quickly took me out and apologized.

5. I can hear things two seconds before they happen. It’s a lot like watching a movie where someone is talking and the sound is slightly ahead. It’s been this way since I was ten. At first it was disconcerting, but now I’m used to this.

6. If I’m agitated, I sit on a block of ice, and quickly calm down.

7. Grass talks to me when I walk on it. I shouldn’t say talk. Actually the grass says, “Hey, get offa me!!”

8. I used to live in the White House during the Nixon administration. I was there on a tour, when we passed the Lincoln bedroom, and I realized I was tired. I stepped away from the group and lay down on the bed. I fell asleep. When I woke up later, I went downstairs to the kitchen and made a chicken sandwich. I lived in the White House for a year and a half, until August 9th 1974, when Gerald Ford took over after Nixon resigned, and he asked me to leave.

9. Every 10 minutes I think, “Mustard!”