Presents I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it’s just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I’m being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that’s kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I’ll have to eat something else because I’m getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They’re a perfect fit and I don’t eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it’s I Love Lucy. That’s a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I’m going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn’t heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, “I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there’s one happy person.”