Unfortunate

Life is a series of unfortunate events with a narrator.

Salad talk

I asked the cherry tomato in my salad if I was sad I was about to eat it.

The cherry tomato said, “I’m just glad you decided to talk to me.”

Thought Leader

I’m considered one of today’s top thought leaders. This morning I thought about how honey and butter taste good on toast!

2017

2017 woke me up from my sleep last night. I asked what it wanted. 2017 said, “I’m sure I’m going to do a crappy job.” I said at times that’s to be expected.

2017 said, “But I want people to like me.” I said that some people are naturally predisposed to being upset.

2017 said, “Well, how should I approach the year?” I said to make sure the Earth rotates, prevent the Moon from hitting the Earth, and don’t let the Sun go out.

2017 said, “What if I can’t?” I said it wouldn’t matter because there’d be no one left to notice or be upset.

2017 said, “Thanks, that really helps!”

Mistakes I want to stop making

Mistakes I Want to Stop Making In 2017:
1. Waving at bears in the woods.
2. Chasing butterflies with my car.
3. Attending seances to try and contact Lucille Ball.
4. Riding Elmer the Bucking Elephant at the rodeo.
5. Eating corn still on the stalk on McPherson’s farm.
6. Applying Monsanto’s Deluxe Mint Scented Hair Restorer.
7. Making excuses for Frick the Bull’s destruction of the living room.

…There’s a lot more, but I’m trying to be realistic.

The burning tree bush

I was walking thru the woods when I saw the burning tree bush.

Tears came to my eyes as I bowed to the ground and said, “What message do you have for me, oh Lord?”

The tree bush said, “Dude, seriously, you come to the woods to get ‘away’ from crazy behavior like this.”