Why I’m Up
It’s late and I can’t sleep. The volcano in my backyard has erupted again and my bedroom is lit by the bright orange glow on the walls.
“Let’s climb them all!”
As part our Let’s Climb Them All! campaign, God and I made it to the top of Mount Kangchenjunga in Nepal.
God said, “Isn’t this view I created amazing?” I said, “I guess,” and took out a thick wad of folded papers from my back pocket. God said, “What’s that?” I said it was my up-to-the-date list of all the things I want in my life. God said, “You promised you wouldn’t do that on this trip. You gave your word!”
I got excited and turned to page 340, line 18 and said, “It says right here, ‘I want to be more reliable.”
The trip to Venus
I took my rocket ship to Venus. Venus is a hot and dusty planet. You can’t see more than five feet in front of yourself, and you have to turn up the AC in your space suit to maximum. Still I got out of my ship and began wandering around. I walked for hours not knowing where I was heading.
I soon realized I’d forgotten to bring my rocket radar and wouldn’t be able to find my way back to the ship. I sat down to the ground. I thought that this trip was the dumbest thing I’d ever done in my life. I began to laugh and I couldn’t stop.
That’s when I felt something tap my space helmet. It was a Venusian, who asked, “Are you okay?” I shook my head, still laughing. The Venusian began to laugh and couldn’t stop either.
Visit from Leo
I was visited by the ghost of Leonardo Di Vinci. He told me that he was feeling lonely and wanted some company. The thing is, I’m a private person, and don’t like impromptu visits. Last week I angrily turned away a co-ghosting from Princess Di and Mother Theresa.
I expressed my feelings to the ghost of Leonardo. He said he understood and started to leave. But then he paused and sniffed away a cry.
My heart got the best of me and I said he could stay. We made lime jello and watched the movie, “Something Wild.” Then the ghost of Leonardo said he was feeling better and left.
I had the thought that I couldn’t wait to one day die so I could indiscriminately visit the living. It seemed so much better than watching TV.
The New Understanding
I realized that being smart doesn’t make my life a better place to be. So I’ve been drinking lard. I just drank a tall glass and I think I’m going to spend the next hour in a continuous and jubilant counting of my toes.
