Passing time with Bram Stoker

I had the day off from my dish washing job at Phlegp’s diner, so I got in my time-travel machine and rode to March 1897, London, and the Pipe and the Monkey book shoppe. I often travel backwards and forewords in time to March days. I was born in March, and I’m self-obsessed, so it’s only natural.

I went into the book shoppe to see the author Bram Stoker give an author talk about his just released book, Dracula. There was only one other person in the audience and she was asleep. She was snoring loudly. I love coming across a public snorer. It reminds me that even though we do our best to appear strong, we are essentially powerless to nature’s bidings.

Stoker was standing at the lectern, staring at the snorer and puffing sighs. I puff sighs when someone irritates me. I have a belief it will change that person’s behavior. How is it that you don’t have to take a test and get a license in order to be a human?

I apologized for being late and took a seat near the front. I asked Mr. Stoker to tell me about his inspiration for writing the book. He went into great detail and length, but I don’t remember what he said. I’m simple minded and am mostly interested in traveling in time, telling people about it, and hearing them say, “Wow, you travel in time.”

When Mr. Stoker was done, there was a book signing. I paid two shillings for the book and told him to make it out to Remke the Snerd. While he signed, I said I felt the book would do well. He began to cry and his tears smeared what he wrote. Below is an image. I like Dracula, but this had more impact on me.

Why not visit Richard the Lionheart?

I have two time-travel machines. The one I have at home is the regular sized.I stand in it, like a phone booth. On a keypad I punch in the time and place that I want to go. There’s about a one-second delay, and then there I am, in the designated time in the past or future. The other one is pocket sized. It looks like a jack game piece. I hold it in my hand and quietly say where I would like to go in time.

Today I was out for a walk when I got the hankering to visit Richard the Lionheart, aka King Richard I of England. I reached in my pocket, grabbed the the jack, and whispered, “March 1193, Dürnstein, Austria, Dürnstein Castle.” In the next moment I was standing next to Dürnstein castle, on a mountain top, overlooking a distant valley.

I opened the great door, and found myself standing in the enormous castle hall. A person in rags was on their hands and knees, scrubbing the elaborately designed floor. They looked up mid-scrub. I waved at them. They looked puzzled. Then I thought that was foolish on my part because who knew back then what waving meant. (I once started a local war in Pofader, South Africa by scratching my head.)

I wandered into a hallway, down a set of rock stairs, and into a dungeon. There was a sleeping attendant guarding the handful of cells. I tiptoed by without a problem. Back then it was easy to sneak around because pretty much everyone was drunk on mead. I came to the cell containing Richard the Lion-heart. He had been imprisoned for some soap-operay kind of situation he’d had with Leopold V, Duke of Austria. No matter where you travel in time, some kind of dumb shit is hitting the fan.

I told Richard that I was from the future, just stopping by to say hi. I gave him some gum that I had in my pocket. He chewed it and had an adverse reaction. It was an extremely strong peppermint gum called Grenades. I don’t know if you’ve ever had it, but I chew a lot of gum and this stuff always makes my eyes water and my tongue hurt. Richard had to pick up a rat and lick it in order to get the taste out of his mouth.

I found this picture of us taken at the mall’s photo booth

waiting for you to finish what you’re doing

Waiting for you to finish up what you’re doing.

Hopefully it won’t be much longer.

While you’re finishing up, could you think about what you’d like to do?

A few ideas in case you don’t think of anything: chisel ice, melt the wax into the shape of a bear, punch the Moon, name the Cow.

Perspectivizing the Queen

I was feeling sad and got in my time-travel machine to January 22nd, 1901, East Cowes, United Kingdom, the home of Queen Victoria. That’s the day she died. When I’m feeling out of sorts in anyway, I like to go where I can cheer someone up who’s doing worse than me. I call it perspectivizing. The great thing is that no matter what shit I’ve found myself in, there’s always someone who’s worse off. Like yesterday when I had that maddening headache and I went and cheered up Joan of Arc when she was about to be burnt at the stake, and my head felt better right away.

So there I was at the foot of Queen Victoria’s bed. She was coughing and wheezing. She could barely see. I got out my harmonica and played, while doing a jig. I was wearing glittery clothes as a sure way to additionally grab her attention. She stared at me as if I were an apparition. I started to sing, “Well, hello Queenie, Yes, hello Queenie, it’s me, yes, I’m really, really, really here!” The Queen was swept over with delight and began to clap in time to the words and my dancing. She took over the song and sang, “I’m the Queen, you bet your bootie, I’m the Queen, snooty, hooty, pooty!!”

At the end of the verse she died. A great smile shone on her royal visage. My sadness evaporated into the nothingness.

Things Brooks is ready for you to know about him

1. I like to stir water with a wooden spoon. I can do it for hours and never get tired. I use a big blue bowl that holds about a gallon of water

2. I sometimes get tired and need to lean against a tree. I can’t lean against a building. I did once and the building fell over. Luckily no one was inside.

3. My right eyebrow talks while I’m sleeping. I don’t hear it, but others have. Here are some of the things I’ve been told my right eyebrow has said, “I like to stay loose and snazzy.” “It’s my right to demand onions on that.” “Let’s get a posse together and catch the no-good Olsen.”

4. I was never born. I’m alive and all. But I never had a birth. I grew out of the ground. The people who ended up raising me thought I was a turnip and pulled me out of the ground. They put me in hot water for soup. I cried out. They quickly took me out and apologized.

5. I can hear things two seconds before they happen. It’s a lot like watching a movie where someone is talking and the sound is slightly ahead. It’s been this way since I was ten. At first it was disconcerting, but now I’m used to this.

6. If I’m agitated, I sit on a block of ice, and quickly calm down.

7. Grass talks to me when I walk on it. I shouldn’t say talk. Actually the grass says, “Hey, get offa me!!”

8. I used to live in the White House during the Nixon administration. I was there on a tour, when we passed the Lincoln bedroom, and I realized I was tired. I stepped away from the group and lay down on the bed. I fell asleep. When I woke up later, I went downstairs to the kitchen and made a chicken sandwich. I lived in the White House for a year and a half, until August 9th 1974, when Gerald Ford took over after Nixon resigned, and he asked me to leave.

9. Every 10 minutes I think, “Mustard!”