It all comes down to Rosy.

When I was a kid, my parents got me a pet mouse. I called it Rosy. It turned out Rosy spoke English. It wasn’t until she’d been with me for a year that I found out. I cleaned her cage and put her back in and she said, “Thanks.” I asked how she could talk. She said she’d been listening to me over the months and just figured it out.

Rosy the mouse and I became very close. We would talk long hours into the night after I’d gone to bed. We bared and shared our souls. But my parents felt that it wasn’t right for a young boy’s best friend to be a rodent and they took Rosy away while I was at school to I didn’t know where.

I was sad and moped for days. In a conciliatory gesture, my parents brought home a dog named Bow-wow-wowser. In an attempt to be kind, I said, “Hello” to Bow-wow-wowser, and he bit me on the nose and wouldn’t let go. My parents drove me with the dog attached to the vet. The vet gave the dog a shot of tranquilizer and he went limp. It turned out the vet gave too strong of a dose and the dog never woke up. We never got another pet.

Just last week I heard that there was a show coming to town called, Rosalinda the talking mouse. I wondered if she was the same as my Rosy. I bought a ticket and went to the show. The show was Rosalinda talking about her life, like the time a cat almost ate her, and her two year relationship with a dog named Hacksaw.

I paid extra for the VIP package where you get to meet-and-greet after the show, so afterwards I stood in line to meet Rosalinda. When it was my turn, I asked her if she used to be the pet friend of a little boy named Brooks. Her eyes got wide and a big tear came out. The same thing happened to me. She leapt off the stool and landed on my chest. I hugged her and she squeaked with delight.

We went to a diner to catch up. I got my usual bucket of fries. She got the deluxe cheese plate. I asked if I could call her Rosy. She said yes. I told her I was sorry I never got to say goodbye. Rosy said sometimes things go bad, but that just makes space for when they get good again.

Visiting Jesus on Christmas

Every Christmas I get in my time travel machine and visit Jesus when he was 27 years old. I don’t visit him at that age for any particular reason. Also, I don’t visit him on December 25th his time. What I do is visit him weekly his time. That seems the right amount of time of ofteness to hang out with a friend.

We go for a walk through Jerusalem’s main drag or down side streets. Sometime we walk out into the desert. We talk about what’s going on in our lives. He usually tells me about his latest carpentry job, or something interesting he saw. He knows that I’m visiting him from the future. I don’t tell him that he’s going to be famous, or that he’s going to die at 33. Neither would be a friendly thing.

I usually bring him a present. Something simple. I don’t say its for Christmas. Today I brought him a cold Coke in a can. He drank it and his eyes got about as big as they could without popping out of his head. He got hyper and wildly told me about a woman he’s attracted to. Her name was Dulcia. He took me to see her. Though from a distance. We watched her from across the street as she was selling bread at Jacob’s Bread Shop. Jesus said, “Wow, look at her! Isn’t she woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo?”

Bigger

I woke up big. Really big. Certainly bigger than the Earth.

I got up and went wandering. Not on land because my feet were bigger than my home planet. But through Space. It was a lot like swimming in a pool without sides or a bottom.

Soon I got to the Sun. I held it in my hand. It turns out when you’re that big, you can’t get burned by something that would normally incinerate. It was like holding a magic light bulb.

I was hungry and I popped it in my mouth. It was crunchy and tasted like a very salty caramel with nuts.

Good riddance

I had enough with things and got in my rocket ship and flew to the Moon. When I got there, I put on my space suit and went outside. I unfolded my small camping chair and sat down.

I looked up at the Earth. I thought about all the things back there that were stressing me out. I breathed heavily and steamed up the glass on my space helmet.

The Earth acidly said, “What?”

I didn’t say anything.

The Earth said, “You know what? Don’t come back. I’m better of without you.”

I turned my seat around and looked out at the blackness and stars of space.

A star off in the distance winked at me. The star winked again.

I said, “What?”

The star said, “The Earth is an asshole. If you’d like, you can come and live on me. I’ll be nice to you.”

I said, “Okay.” I got back in my space ship and headed towards the new star.

As I got further away, I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed the Earth wasn’t any further from me. I stepped on the gas, and saw that the Earth was now much closer. I realized it had left its orbit moorings and was coming after me.

I put the pedal to the metal, but the Earth was almost on me. The Earth shouted, “I’m gonna kick your ass!!” I slammed on the breaks and the Earth crashed into me, shattering into billions of pieces. I was okay.

Drifting off into space, the pieces of Earth reflected in the Sun’s rays as a bright blue mist.

Sucks

I went out to visit the whirlpool in my backyard. It calms me down to gaze into the rotating water. I spit in the whirlpool and watched it spin and get sucked down. I sighed.

The whirlpool said, “Why don’t you come in and join me?”

I said, “No, thanks.”

The whirlpool said, “Ah, come on.”

I said, “I’m not gonna do it.”

The whirlpool said, “A part of you must want to know where my suction leads to.”

I thought about it. I took off my shoes and got in. I spun fast in the current. I got pulled underwater.

I found myself sitting on a couch in a waiting room. There were two other people there. One was reading from a McCall’s magazine. The other person was texting.

The End

I saw the rainbow. I walked towards its end, hoping for the rewards. I walked for a long, long while. The rainbow started to fade. Soon it was gone.

I turned around and began the long walk back home. Suddenly the rainbow appeared before me in miniature form.

The rainbow said, “You looking for me?”

I said, “I was.”

The rainbow said, “Well, I’m here. Are you still interested?”

I said, “No, I just want to get home.”

The rainbow said, “I’ll show you my end and all the riches that entails.”

I said, “No, thanks.”

The rainbow began to cry. Colorful tears reached the ground and formed a multifarious spectrum pond. A fish stuck its head out of the water.

The fish said, “Please get me out of here!”