You can never win with Copernicus

My friend, Nicolaus Copernicus is in love with life. He is the opposite of me. I think everything is terrible and problematic. I think this is what makes us such good buddies.

For instance, today I woke up with a bad case of the hiccups. I hiccuped so much that the legs of my bed broke. I go so angry at my bed that I chopped it up, threw it outside, and set it on fire. The flames leapt in the air and traveled to Copernicus’ house, which is next door to mine.

His entire house and laboratory burned down. All his research and telescopes were destroyed by the flames. Instead of fretting in despair, he took the time to walk around the flames and ponder. It intuitively came to him that everything rotates around the Sun.

Spooky Action

I got two new dogs. One is named Bowser, the other Fitit. They are brother and sister. They often walk together so closely you can’t see space between them.

But the other day, Fitit got out of the yard, leaving Bowser behind. I went looking for her for a day, but unfortunately had no luck.

Bowser felt pretty down without Fitit, and would stay curled up in his doggy bed. But then one day I heard Bowser barking in the living room, and I came in to check out what all the fuss was about. Bowser was floating in the middle of the room. He slowly rotated sideways and then upside down.

I had to get a ladder to bring Bowser back to the ground. But when I let go of him, he floated back up like he was a helium balloon. I didn’t know what to make of it.

That’s when I got a phone call. I answered and it was from the International Space Station. They said they had just found Fitit on board. They knew how to contact me because my phone number was on her collar.

Lunch with a new friend

I had lunch today with Dark Matter. I’d heard it was 85% of the Universe, yet unknown to everyone. I wanted to get to know it.

First thing I learned, Dark Matter really likes pasta. It ordered spaghetti with turkey meatballs. It poured a big quantity of Parmesan cheese on the noodles. It ate it all in one big bite, but took a half hour to chew it thoroughly.

Second, I learned that Dark Matter is a fancy dresser. It wore a confetti-spangled aluminum like fabric shirt. Dark Matter said it couldn’t be seen, so it wore the shirt so it wouldn’t look like I was eating by myself. I asked what the shirt was made of. Dark Matter said rayon. I asked what it liked about rayon. Dark Matter said, “It’s soft.”

Third, Dark Matter has never seen a movie or television. Not even the Matrix, or Back to the Future. I asked Dark Matter if I could take it to a movie after lunch. Dark Matter thanked me but said it wasn’t interested. I moped, but it wouldn’t change its mind.

Okay, enough

A man sits on my steps.

He’s in my way. I ask him to move. He stays.

I try and step over him. He grows three times in size. I fall back on the sidewalk.

I leave and go to a movie. The movie is about a dog that doesn’t have a name. Everyone loves to pet the dog, but they don’t know what to call it.

I leave the movie and come back to my steps. The man sits in the same position. He is normal size.

I move to step over him and he shrinks until I can’t see him anymore. I enter my house.

I sit on my couch.

I get up and look out the front window. The man sits on the steps. He is regular size. He looks back at me.

It was delicious

I was having difficulty writing a blog post, so I got in my time-machine and rode to the year 9, the spring, to Tomas, Romania, a small shack overlooking the Black Sea. A man was sitting at a butcher block, writing. It was the famous Roman poet, Ovid. He was really famous.

With Google translate Latin, (remember my time-machine has time-space wi-fi) I introduced myself, mentioned I was from the future, and said I was looking for writing tips. Ovid sighed and said, “I have nothing to offer you.” I said, “But you were really famous. You must have been doing something right.”

Ovid looked out the window and sighed again. He was really good at it. He said that he had been exiled by the Emperor Augustus for something he had written. He said, “What is good when it is the cause of such bad?”

I thought about what he said. Why did I need to write something profound? No one reads my blog posts. Why even write them? It’s wasting time I could spend laying in bed, watching my mind flow in and out of sleep.

I thanked Ovid and said that I would be on my way. Ovid said, “Would you please stay a little while? I am lonesome and could use the company. Would you like a piece of pound cake?” I said that I would. He got me a plate. It was delicious.

Quandarying

I was combing my cow, Maxie, when I was suddenly visited by a ghost couple. They were arguing in German. I knew because my Maxie the cow speaks a little German.

Maxie the cow said, “I think he’s saying something like, ‘Margaritte, the sandwich which starts out whole, gets digested by the eater.’ And she seems to be saying, ‘Ludwig, you fool, it’s your own fault if your hungry. If you’d just eaten before the death moment.'”

Their arguing became louder and more animated. I asked for further details. Maxie the cow said, “Okay, it appears as if he’s saying, ‘I meant a supposition of concept, not a literal transcription.’ And I think she’s saying, ‘You’re a fool for trying to find deeper meanings when it’s enough that we are ghosts randomly wandering the universe.'”

I went back to combing Maxie. I asked if she would comb me when I was done. She said, “I’m still not able to comb you with my hoof.”