I’ve screwed up a lot. I’ve also done some okay things. I tend to think I screw up more than I do okay things. My guess is that I do an equal amount of both.
Even still, I wish I only did okay things, and was honored for such. People would see me and say, “Wow, he’s okay.”
The thing is, it’s hard to be seen. Everyone sees themselves primarily. Everyone else is periphery. We’re backround actors to each other’s stardom.
Still, I hope to be seen. It’s similar in experience to when I was a kid and while sitting in a chair, tried to lift the chair off the ground. I hoped I could do it. If I only tried hard enough.
I think I’ll be content to being my own star. I’ll bask in my glory. I’ll think, “Wow, there he goes. I can’t believe I’m seeing him in person. Wait until I tell myself about it.”
I continued doing these blog posts, hoping they would win either the MacArthur Fellowship, or the Pulitzer.
I bought a pet aardvark. I named it Boris. I took Boris with me wherever I went. He was always on a leash. Boris would find ants to eat on the sidewalk. I never had to buy Boris ants from the pet store. But then one day a lady was out for a walk with her pet ant. As they walked past Boris and I, Boris ate the ant. She lost it. I yelled at her for having a pet ant. I reacted that way because I’m uncomfortable when I cause anyone pain.
I was a democratic candidate for President. I was onstage for three of the debates. I was honest and said I had no solutions for the country’s ills. Instead I played harmonica and sang. I made up the songs. One was called, “I just like being on TV.” Another one was, “I’m an idiot, perhaps we have something in common.” And then there was, “I wish I were eating a sandwich.” The last song became a hit. People started sending me sandwiches in the mail. I ate some of them. But there were thousands and most were uneaten and went stale. When word got out about this, my ratings went into the toilet and I didn’t get invited back to the next debates. I’ll still be on the ballots. I’m hoping by the time people vote, they’ll forget how dumb I can be.
I got in my time-travel machine and visited 10 June 1900, the town of Lathi, India, the bedroom of Kalapi, the famous Indian poet. Kalapi was on his death bed. He was only 26. He wrote one of my favorite poems, The Donkey and the Lavender Bush. It’s written from the perspective of a donkey named Calamay that is ill-treated by its owner Salgat. Calamay is able to endure his hard life due to the wind’s regular delivery of a faraway Lavender Bush’s wafting scent. Eventually Calamay breaks free and wanders the land in search of the source of the perfume. In the final verse, Calamay collapses at the base of the Lavender Bush and utters, “Oh, sweet bountiful bouquet, you are ghanda (Hindu for nifty.) I brought Kalapi fresh concord grapes and hand fed him since he had no strength to do so himself. I also brought Silly Putty and the comic section of the newspaper.I pressed the Silly Putty onto the comic strip Ziggy. I showed the impression to Kalapi and then stretched it, elongating Ziggy’s already funny round head. Kalapi laughed so hard he had a coughing fit and died.
I collect penguins. I go down to Antarctica three times a year and find more penguins. I bring them back and they live in my backyard. I must have over 150 back there now. I’m not good with exact numbers.
When I get stressed out, I sit in a chair in the backyard while the penguins walk around me and I feel better. This is the case even though they are filthy and noisy creatures.
They are not affectionate. They hate to be pet. They walk a wide berth around me, rather than come near me. Yet, I can’t get enough of them.
I’m friends with a tree named, Puth. Puth lives in a park near my home.
I go to the park and I sit at the base of Puth and we talk. I talk about things like how I only like to wear t-shirts rather than any other kind of shirt. And I bring recent t-shirts with me and I try them on and show them to Puth. Puth tells me which ones look good on me.
Puth tells me about things it sees at night when the park is closed. For instance, Puth told me about a pack of coyotes that formed a pyramid with their bodies. I said I wish I could have seen that. Puth said I would have liked it.
I like to sit in a chair in my room and look out the window. There is nothing else in the room. I never care much to look at things indoors. I prefer the outdoors. But I don’t like to spend too much time outside, except for my trips to Antarctica or the park, because there are more chances to be killed outside than in.
I like to look at the sun cascading over different things, like cars, or the sidewalk. I really like to look up at planes in the sky. I’m a big fan of watching grass, especially if there’s a little wind to blow the blades.
