I remember when we first met a hundredth of a billionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang. I was a photon and you were a neutrino, and as we hurtled, we talked about the matter we were hoping to one day form into. You wanted to become cheese fries. I wanted to be a finger scratching an itch.
I was out for my early morning walk went I came upon an open manhole cover in the road. I went in and climbed down the metal stairs. It was dark and dank. I wasn’t wearing a jacket and I got the shivers.
I walked bent over along the sewer. I felt a rat crawl over my sandeled foot. It was warm and tickled. I heard a bat fly by my head. I was excited because they are mice with wings. The sound of my feet splashing in the water made me feel splashy.
I walked for a long while. I like walking so it didn’t bother me that I was walking in the sewer.
I turned a corner and saw a shaft of light coming from the grating above. The light shone on a freshly made cupcake on a clean white plate. The plate floated gently on the water. I got closer and noticed the blue and orange sprinkles, my favorite colors!
I got in my time-travel machine and traveled to my home one week in the future. I do this every other week. In the in-between weeks, the future me comes to visit me. We agreed to do this as a way to let the future me tell the now me know what crappy things are coming up so they can be avoided.
When I arrived, my future self wasn’t there. I was upset because we had scheduled this time. I waited around for three hours, but no show. I went back home. When I got there, my future self was sitting on the couch.
The future me said, “Where were you? I’ve been waiting for three hours.” I said, “You got it all wrong. It was my turn to visit you.” The future me said, “No, you got it wrong.” I got out my phone’s calendar and showed the future me that it said it was my turn to travel to him. The future me didn’t have his phone, but still said that I was wrong. I said, “You can’t just say that. You have no proof.” The future me got mad and knocked over and broke a lamp. I said, “You need to go.” The future me got in the time-machine and disappeared.
I sat on the couch. When I realized I was sitting in the warm spot that the future had been sitting, I was repulsed and got up immediately.
I took my time-machine back to the year 2 and the most northernmost tip of Nunavat, Canada, called Alert. I was getting away from the madness of people, buildings, computers, traffic and electricity. But it was far from relaxing because I arrived in the midst of a mighty blizzard. I was ill-prepared, wearing a hoodie and parachute pants. I spotted an igloo a few yards away, made a mad dash, and ducked inside. I encountered a grizzled old man wrapped in animal pelts, and his pet walrus. They regarded me with nods. I returned the nods. I pointed towards myself and said, “Brooks.” The man pointed to himself and said, “Wolwolwol, and the Walrus said, “Bwoowk.”
Normally I’m claustrophobic, but I felt serene. The three of us sat in silence for I don’t know how long. Eventually, Bwook the walrus commanded Wolwolwol the man to do tricks, like roll over, beg, and sing. I applauded which scared them and I was pushed out of the igloo. The blizzard was even more intense and I had difficulty finding my time-machine. Eventually I froze in place and figured this was it.
The amazing thing is, I was discovered by an archeological expedition in 1927. They dug up and thawed out me and my time-machine. I thanked them, got in my time-machine and came back home. I took a long hot bath. Then I got out my 21 DVD box set of Brady Bunch: The Complete Series with Shag Carpet Cover, and started with the first disc.
When I was a kid, I had a pet chicken named Howser Mack. I went everywhere with Howser Mack. That picture is from my second grade school photo day. The photographer, Mr. Blethan, said that I couldn’t have Howser Mack in the photo. I threw a fit and he let my pet be in the picture. I smoked a lot back then. At that time kids were required to smoke cigarettes. Physicians said that the constant deep inhalation of smoke would help children’s lungs expand and be healthy. Howser Mack didn’t live very long. She coughed a lot and one day keeled over. My mother plucked Howser, cut her up, and cooked us a platter of fried chicken. It didn’t bother me because I really liked fried chicken.
