All about the castle I discovered on my walk

I was out for a walk when I came upon a castle. It’s funny how you don’t notice something, and then one day you do.

I went up to the castle and knocked. The knock echoed through the house. I heard footsteps approaching. The door opened slowly with a creak.

A butler answered the door. He was startled and said, “Monsieur Brooks!”

I said, “Yes?”

The butler said, “We’ve been very worried about you. It’s wonderful to have you back home.”

I didn’t say anything. When stuff is really mysterious and confusing, I like to stay silent. I figure I need my wits about me.

I said, “Thanks, Mr. Butler.”

The butler laughed and said, “Oh, sir. I’ve missed your humor.”

I went in. The room was as high as a redwood tree and was the length of a football field. I whistled. The whistle echoed back and forth a full minute.

Three maids and another butler came from other rooms. They smiled and expressed their joys at seeing me. The chef came into the room and said, “Brooksie! It’s been so long! I’m going to cook you a fantastic feast!” and left for what I imagined was the kitchen.

The butler took my crown and said, “I’m going to give this a good polish!” He left and went to a different room.

The rest of the butlers and maids looked at me with enthusiasm. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s good to be back?” They nodded and went off to other rooms.

I wandered around. I found a room with a 1000 foot swimming pool. Another was stacked two hundred feet high with Bubble Yum and Bazooka Joe gum. I discovered a room with a massive aquarium occupied with two whales who said, “Hi, B!” And still another room which was a massive closet that contained hundreds of red shirts with a plus-sign on the chest.

I found the bedroom. It was much smaller then the other rooms. It had a regular sized bed. There was an old TV on a stand. There was no remote control. I turned it on by hand. It took a while for it to warm up. The picture was in black and white. It was a show about two dogs and a cat. I sat on bed and watched the show.

Dealing with the whirlpool

I have a pond in my backyard. I went out there this morning and was surprised to discover a whirlpool right in the middle of it. The water was rapidly spinning. A duck landed in the pond and got sucked right down under the water.

I told the whirlpool, “Excuse me but would you please stop doing this?” The whirlpool said, “Don’t tell me what to do.” I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m telling you. Also please release the duck.”

Nothing changed.

I asked the whirlpool nicely again, but it gave me a smirk and continued right on spinning.

I jumped into the whirlpool. I swam against the spin. It was hard at first and I felt myself starting to get sucked down just like the duck. So I swam harder. The whirlpool tried to spin faster. But pretty soon it got weaker. And then the whirlpool was gone and the pond was back to normal.

The duck popped out of the water. It took a moment to catch its breath. I asked the duck if it was okay. The duck said, “Yes, Fred!”

Lunch with the boa constrictor

Today I was sitting under the elm tree in my backyard when a boa constrictor snake fell from the tree and landed in front of me. The snake said, “Do you mind if I eat you for lunch?” I thought about it. I consider all requests. It’s a kind thing to do.

I said to the snake, “Thanks for asking, but I prefer you ate something else.” The snake said, “Drat!” I said, “You know what?” The snake said, “No, what?” I said, “How would you like to share a bologna and Swiss cheese sandwich with me?”

The snake said, “Would you melt the cheese?” I said, “Do you really need to ask?” The snake smiled and said, “Yes, that would be great!”

I went inside and made the sandwich. I put it in the oven until the cheese was melted, and then I took it out. I cut the sandwich in half, putting each half on a plate.

I went outside and gave the snake a plate. The snake thanked me. We ate in silence. When we were done I said, “How was your sandwich?” The snake said, “I hope you don’t take it personally, but it was better than I imagine how you would have tasted.”

What’s the point?

I went to the pond. I brought a loaf of bread to feed the ducks. The ducks looked at me as I broke off pieces of the bread and threw them in the pond. The ducks didn’t eat them.

I said, “Hey, ducks. I thought you like bread?” One of the ducks said, “Well, you thought wrong.” I said, “What do you like to eat?” The same duck said, “We like cake.” I said, “Cake is like bread, but with frosting.” A different duck chimed in, “The ‘but’ means it’s not the same thing.”

I said, “What kind of cake would you like?” One duck said, “Carrot Cake.” Another said, “Pound cake.” The other ducks told me 14 other kinds of cake. I wrote it all down.

I went to Abner’s Cake Emporium and bought the 16 cakes. I drove the cakes back to the duck pond and brought them to the water’s edge. But the ducks were gone. Swans were swimming in the pond.

One of the swans said, “What have you got?” I read off the list of cakes. Another swan said, “What makes you think we like cake?”

I was flying through the sky!

I was standing and then suddenly I was flying through the sky. I thought I was dreaming. I often dream of flying. But this wasn’t a dream. I couldn’t believe it! I flew through clouds. I sailed alongside a pack of geese. I zoomed by a plane. I’ll never forget the shocked look of the pilot. This was the greatest day of my life!

Then I woke up. I was disappointed it was only a dream. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My life seemed like a turd compared to what I’d been dreaming about.

After an hour I was much too hungry and made myself get up. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a bowl of cereal. I didn’t add milk because what’s the point.

The phone rang. It was my boss Carl. He said I was late and when would I be coming in. I said I wasn’t coming in. He said I’d better come in or I would be fired. I said he couldn’t fire me because I quit. I hung up.

I was mid-chew on my cereal and didn’t have any desire to keep chewing. I let the food fall out of my mouth onto the table. I sighed one of those sighs that Molière had once written as, “The last exhale of a dying star.”

I even lost my ambition to sit and fell onto the floor. I lay there. My body hurt. I stared blankly toward the ceiling.

Strangely the ceiling descended to me. Soon the ceiling was touching my nose. I felt a slip of joy as I thought I would soon be crushed by the ceiling.

But I remained in the same position. I felt a breeze at my back. How was that possible? I reached behind me and felt air. I looked back. The floor was ten feet below me. I was floating in the air!

Life flooded back into my body. I turned mid-air and looked down at my kitchen. I swooped down, grabbed the salt and pepper shakers and began shaking salt and pepper all over my apartment. I had no idea why.

I dropped the shakers and flew to the window. I opened the window and flew outside. I shot up into the sky. I looked down and saw people pointing up at me. I waved at them. They dazedly waved back at me.

I flew up past the clouds, straight up until the blue turned to black. I was in space!

I sailed swiftly to the Moon. When I got there, I floated slowly over its surface. I didn’t want to miss any of its details, especially the craters.

I landed on the Moon and gazed back at the Earth. I started to feel sleepy. I wanted to lie down and rest, but got scared I would fall asleep and wake up back in my apartment, this amazing day having been just a dream.

I couldn’t help it and lay down and fell asleep.