My jaunt to the North Pole

I took a trip up to the North Pole today. I’d never been there before. I like to go to where I’ve never been. When I get to the new place I take a moment to notice the change from having not been there to being there. It’s subtle but worth it.

So anyway, I drove north till I got to the top of Canada. Then I flicked the switch in my car which folded the wheels in and turned my car into a boat. I traveled north on the Arctic Sea. A flock of seals challenged me to a race. It was close, but they won.

Once I got to the ice land I flicked another switch which brought back my tires, three times their normal size with spikes. I continued north. I picked up a hitchhiking polar bear. I asked him where he was going. He said, “Nowhere in particular. I’ve never ridden in a car and I’d like to see what it’s like.”

I arrived at the pole. The polar bear got out with me. We looked at the pole. I told the polar bear what I told you earlier about the transition from not having been somewhere to actually being there. He took my hand with his paw and said, “You’re right, Brooks, it is exquisite.”

Having lunch with the rhinoceros

Earlier today I saw out the back window a rhinoceros eating my cherry tree. I  went outside and said, “I’m sorry to interrupt you.” The rhinoceros stopped eating and said, “Yes, what?” I said, “I’m Brooks, what’s your name?” The rhinoceros said, “Beldon.” I said, “Beldon, can I make you a sandwich?” Beldon said, “What kind of sandwich?” I said, “Either bologna or cheese. Or both together.” Beldon said, “I would like both.” I said, “Okay, come on in.”  Beldon and I went into my house.

Beldon sat at the kitchen table while I made the sandwich. Beldon said, “You have a nice kitchen.” I said, “Thanks.” Beldon said, “How long have you lived here?” I said, “Three-and-a-half years.”

Beldon said, “Where did you live before that?” I said, “I spent a little over a year traveling in my space ship. Usually I would camp out mid-space. I visited Mercury for the first time. I’d been wanting to go for a while. It was nice. Like spending time on a giant bowling ball. There were no trees because the close proximity of the Sun burns everything.”

Beldon said, “How come your space ship didn’t burn?” I said, “Teflon coating.”

I brought the bologna and cheese sandwich on a plate to Beldon. I sat across from him and watched him eat the sandwich. Beldon stopped and looked up and said, “Why are you staring at me?” I said, “I just realized I’m hungry too.” Beldon said, “Would you like some of mine?” I said, “Thanks, that would be nice.”

Skating on Saturn’s rings

I got in my rocket ship and flew to the rings of Saturn. I parked just outside, put on my spacesuit and ice skates, got out, and began to skate on the rings. They are solid ice and multicolored, so it was like skating on a rainbow. It’s like the 12th time I’ve done it and it never gets old.

I did two laps around the rings. It allowed me to clear my thoughts. I love living on the Earth, but with all the people on the planet, it can sometimes be hard to think clearly.

I got back in my spaceship and had a bowl of SpaghettiOs. For desert I had a caramel-coated apple.

I was looking out the window when an asteroid passed by. The asteroid looked startled when I waved. Not everyone is as naturally friendly as me.

Fun with falling

Today I got out of bed and fell for a long, long, long while. While I was falling, I wondered what happened to the floor? It was there last night when I went to bed. And how was my bed not falling? It seems that my bed should have been falling along with me.

I counted the seconds as I fell. I figured that 15 seconds of falling equaled a half mile. I’d counted to 350 seconds. That was over two miles. I continued counting.

I looked down and didn’t see I was approaching any kind of ground. After 20,000 seconds I stopped counting. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the air. It was relaxing and I fell asleep.

I had a dream where I was a turtle. I was sunning myself on a beach. The sun felt good on my shell. I started to hum. A seagull landed next to me. The seagull said, “That’s some amazing humming. I said, “Thanks. The seagull said, “What’s the name of that song you’re humming?” I said it was called Life is the Best Chewing Gum. The seagull said, “What are the words to the song?” I said, “It’s an instrumental.”

I woke back up. I was still falling.

Suddenly I landed on a cloud. The cloud said, “Hey, what the hell!?!” I said, “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” The cloud said, “No, but you startled me.” I apologized again. The cloud said, “That’s okay. My name is Percibal.” I said, “I’m Brooks. It’s really nice up here.” The cloud said, “Tell me about it!”

Hanging out with my ghost buddy Abe

I was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. He showed up suddenly and said, “Hey, Brooks!” I said, “Hi, Abe!” He’s been visiting me every Friday afternoon for the past seven years. I asked him why once. He said, “I don’t know why.” I said, “That’s good enough for me.”

Abe said, “Can we visit the beehive?” I said, “Yeah!” There’s a big beehive out in the woods behind my house. We went out to the beehive. Ghosts can’t be stung, so Abe stuck his ghost hand up into the hive and the honey came flowing out. Honey is one of the three foods that ghosts can eat. The other two are pomegranates and oatmeal raisin cookies.

While bees flew through and around Abe, he put his head under the hive and drank the honey like water from a spigot. Abe finished and said, “Your turn.” I said, “No, thanks. I’m stingable remember.” He said, “Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re not dead. But when you finally keel over, it’s your turn.” I said, “It’s a deal!”