Let it Ride!

I got in my time-machine and pressed, the Let It Ride button. That’s for time-traveling without stopping. When you want to surf time and space.

Suddenly, the garage where I park my Casio Deluxe Timer-189 disappeared. Time ripples zipped past me like lightening. I got really dizzy because it was like being inside a strobe light. I thought I was going to throw up. But I didn’t.

I acclimated to the intensity of the time ripples and it was very much like I would imagine it would be if were flying above the ocean with my face two inches from the water. I stuck my tongue out and it made the ripples split off into multiple rivulets. They made a high pitch whirring sound like dandelion seeds riding on the wind.

Walk of mystery

I got in my time-machine but I didn’t type in a time-space destination. It was weird, but felt like I wanted to stay here. It was odd because I usually can’t get enough of time-traveling. I don’t own a TV, so this is my form of entertainment.

I got up and looked around. I wasn’t sure what to do. The present time doesn’t fascinate me. I’m used to it. There’s my house. My car. The couch. My kitchen table.

So I went walking. I walked to the end of my block. I wasn’t sure to go right, left, or straight ahead.

Instead, I closed my eyes and proceeded. When you’re eyes are closed you’re clueless. I’d relinquished control and it was exciting.

A car honked. Someone suggested I watch where I was going. I nodded. I don’t know if they saw me nod.

A dog ran up barking at me. It bit into my pants leg and wouldn’t let go. I kept walking, dragging along the dog with me. Eventually I pet its head and it let go.

I tripped over something and fell hard. I didn’t look and see what took me down. I preferred the mystery. I got up and continued.

I walked nose first into something hard. I stood back and held my nose. It hurt, but I think it made it hurt a little less. I thought I might have walked into the side of a building.

I walked in a different direction. Someone grabbed my arm. She said she was the police. She wanted to know why I was walking around with my eyes closed. I asked if it was illegal. She said it wasn’t but was concerned for my well being because blood was coming from my nose. I wiped my nose with hand, thanked her, and said I would be okay. She let me go.

After a while of quiet walking, I felt the wind of things moving quickly by. It was accompanied by the sound of engines roaring past. I figured I was walking along the side of the freeway. But maybe it was the auto-raceway. I smiled and waved and hooted. I like to be supportive.

A while later I stepped into water and fell. I went under. I figured I was in the lake. I relaxed. The water soothed my nose and my tired muscles. I felt the scales of fish swimming against my face and arms.

What happened after I fell off the mountain

I was hiking the mountain when I slipped and fell. I was scared because I imagined when I landed it would hurt. That feeling was replaced by adoring the sensation of falling. Since the body doesn’t have to support itself when falling, it relaxes. I couldn’t remember when I’d felt that at ease.

Not soon after that I landed in something springy, which turned out to be a massive spider web. I looked over and saw a spider as big as two trucks crawling towards me. I was scared because spiders are terrifying. But I realized I felt that way because of monster movies I’d seen with frightening looking spiders, particularly Arachnophobia. I relaxed and was fascinated by the way its eight legs moved with such coordinated synchrony.

The spider came over and wrapped me in a web cocoon. I figured he was saving me to eat later. The cocoon was soft and relaxing. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up I felt I’d never slept so deep.

I was next to a giraffe also wrapped in a cocoon. The giraffe and I got to talking. We talked about our favorite movies. Mine was the Godfather. The giraffe’s was The Apple Dumpling Gang. I said I’d tried to watch it once, but lost interest and stopped. The giraffe said I ought to give it a second chance. I said I might.

It was around then when the spider came towards me. There was saliva dripping off its foot long fangs. I thought it must be hungry because sometimes that happens to me. Recently I was making a cheese sandwich and while I was spreading the mayo, saliva leaked out of my mouth and onto my shirt.

All about what I had for dinner

I rode in my time-machine to March 4, 1809, Washington DC, the White House, front lawn, 4 in the afternoon. Through the window I saw President James Madison standing and looking out at me. He had the puzzled and dazed look which always happens when someone sees me appear out of nowhere. It’s the brain saying, “That’s not possible.” I waved. He looked okay again and waved back. Everybody feels okay when you wave.

President Madison came out to greet me. We shook hands and offered up our names. He wanted to know about my sudden appearance and my traveling machine. I said, “I’m a time-traveler and I came to see you.” It’s what I usually say. If I just said the first part of that sentence, back would come the befuddled gaze. But letting the person know I came to see them makes them feel really good about themselves, and the time-travel becomes a triviality.

I said, “Congratulations on becoming President!” He’d been inaugurated at noon that day. He thanked me. I said, “The history books say that you are the greatest of all leaders that have ever, ever lived.” He gushed a river of tears, held my hands, thanked me, and invited me to a stately dinner of roast goose, earth nut peas, and taro corms. I didn’t know what the historians actually said. But I was hungry and flattery is foolproof for getting well fed.

Flower-headed critter grants me my wish

I got in my time-machine and went back in time about 200 million years ago. My Casio Deluxe Timer 2100 is precise in time up to 1,375,000 years in the past and 112,000 years in the future. Anything beyond that is shaky. It’s a we’ll see where we end up dice-shaker.

The Timex Triple-Timer 180000 is spot on to a nano second to anytime in the past or future. But it costs a lottery amount of money I don’t have yet. I have high time hopes!

Anyway, I got out of my time-machine about 200 million years in the past. No buildings. Hazy skies. A great deal of burbling swamps. Vast wing-spanned creatures circling the skies. A lot of ants going places. Ants back then look like ants now. Ants are common in the future too. They’ve got those wowzer genes built for the long haul.

I came upon a Triceratops nibbling on a beat up bush. Back then anything tree-like looked like it had been in a fight.

I love Triceratops. They’re it for me dinosaur wise. They have a built in crown that looks like the creature is part flower.

I turned on my Casio WATS? 12 (What are they saying?) It turns what you say into what the listener understands, and the same thing for the things they utter.

I said hi to the Triceratops. It told me its name was Camperbittyboo. It asked me where I was from. I said a distant land. Animals and reptiles don’t understand time. Actually you want to avoid trying because it frustrates critters and they try and eat you so you stop talking.

Critters are intuitive and Camperbittyboo asked if I would like to ride on its back. That’s all I’d been thinking about. But I’m not good at expressing my needs. I figure everything knows what I want. I’m patient and can wait a long while. I’m still waiting for God to give me the ability to walk on water. I figure that’s all I need to hit the big time.