Three stories where things were difficult and got better

I went over to God’s house. There was trash all over the place. God was sprawled on the couch watching some stupid movie on Netflix. I asked if God wanted to go out for a walk. God murmured something. I unplugged the TV. God threw a fit and got up to plug the TV back in and tripped over a pizza box. It was one of those falls where the fall-ee is so dulled that they can’t react in time and hit the ground full force. God is dense, so it shook the ground and blew out neighborhood windows and set off some car alarms. God lay there in a stupor. I got down on the floor next to God and snapped our picture. I went for a walk to CVS and got them to one-hour photo a 36×48 image. They sold me a frame. The framed picture hangs over my couch illuminated by a spotlight.

Ants invaded my house. I got upset and yelled at them. None of them noticed. I went to formicidae.com to see what I should do. They suggested doing what I could to make the ants comfortable. The thing is ants have extremely low self-esteem. They can’t stand it if you treat them well. So I got down on the ground with a pen and notebook and I said, “I’m really glad you’re here, ants! You look amazing! Let me know what you’d like, and I’ll move heaven and earth to get it.” The ants stopped their tiny feet tromping and began to shake. They looked like they were being cooked from the inside. The few that didn’t keel over managed to move and made it out through the crack between the floor and the wall. I got out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the remains of the tumult.

I climbed to the top of the mountain. It took me a good five-and-a-half hours. When I got there, I sat on the tippy-top. The mountain said, “Hey, would you mind not sitting there?” I said, “I’m tired. I need to rest.” The mountain said, “That’s not my problem.” I said, “Could you give me a minute?” The mountain said, “Just get the hell off of me!” I stood up. I said, “Is this okay?” The mountain said, “Yes, thanks.” I said, “What’s the difference between me sitting or standing on the same spot?” The mountain said, “One feels good, the other doesn’t.”