All due to the generosity of Eugenia

When I was born, Great Great Grandmother Eugenia Palmer bequeathed me a pot of gold. Even the pot was gold. Rather than have to wait until I was 21 in order to spend any of the booty, she said that I was free to spend the gelt from that moment forward.

On the way home from the hospital, with my arms around the pot of gold, I babbled as I held up a gold coin and pointed out the window at Spouser’s Pizza Parlor. My dad parked in their lot, and my mom and dad brought me in. I didn’t know how to read yet, so the waitress brought me a kid’s menu with just pictures of the pizzas. I pointed to a pineapple sausage pizza. The pizza was served, and I had my first bite. The taste made me gurgle with delight. Much of the pizza ended up on my bib, table, and floor, but my first meal was worth it. I paid the waitress with the gold coin. She tried to give me the change, but I bawled, and she thanked me.

As my dad drove home, I held up gold coins and cooed at the Fur Vault Emporium. My dad parked in their lot, and we all went in. I bought myself a Mink fur baby’s blankie. It was so soft and cushy! With crayons I drew a picture of my dad’s car with fur. The salesman understood and while we waited, they upholstered my dad’s car with Mink upholstery.

Driving towards home, I let out high-pitched shrieks as the car hit a number of potholes. I shook the pot of gold and pointed to an asphalt shop. My dad pulled in and my parents brought me to the general manager. I pointed towards the road, made a spitting sound, and held up a handful of gold coins. The general manager said it would take two weeks to pave the entire street.

My parents and I got a hotel room at the Ramada Hotel across the street and stayed in the penthouse for the fourteen days. During the first night of our stay, I didn’t like the sleeping cot, so through a series of wild animal gestures on my part, my dad understood, and made a call. Within three hours, a crib with a mattress made of Dodo bird feathers was delivered.

The next morning, while watching a cartoon show with bad reception, I emitted a piercing screech, and through my precocious ability to charade, gave my mom and dad instructions to bring the entire cast of the musical Jingle Bells, Batman Smells to our room to perform their production. I dribbled, holding up handfuls of coins for them to repeat the show 14 times.

At the end of our stay at the Ramada, I paid for our room with the last of the gold. We drove home on the new freshly paved road. It was sooo smooth.