Why I’m still in bed

I haven’t gotten out of bed. I tried. But my mattress sucked me in and I couldn’t move up and out. I asked the bed, “Hey, what’s the big deal?” My bed mumbled something. I said, “What did you just say?” My bed said, “I’m scared, can you stay with me?” I asked what it was scared of. The bed said, “Someone else laying on top of me.” I said no one would be doing that. The bed said, “Can you guarantee that?” I said no and stayed.

I looked out the window at the backyard. A moose walked by. The moose stopped when it saw I was looking. The moose actually looked behind itself to see if I was looking at something behind it. The moose looked back at me. I motioned the moose to come towards the window. The moose came up to the window. Its breathing fogged up the glass. I yelled, “Have you got a cigarette?” The moose said, “What?” I asked a second time. The moose said, “I can’t hear you through the window. Would you open it?” The mattress repeated its request that I don’t leave. I shouted to the moose, “Never mind.” The moose said it couldn’t hear me. I didn’t say anything more. The moose left upset. I heard the sound of the moose knocking down part of the backyard fence.

I looked up at the ceiling. A bat looked back, clinging to the overhead light. The bat said, “Would you keep it down, I’m trying to sleep.” I said, “How can you see me, I thought bats are blind?” The bat said, “I can’t see you. I’m speaking in your general direction.” I said, “Listen, this isn’t your bedroom. I need for you to go and find a cave.” The bat said, “There are no caves around here.” I said, “That’s not my problem.” The bat said, “All I’m asking is you stop your jabbering.”

I lay in silence. I waited for the mattress to fall asleep so I could get up and leave. When the mattress sleeps, its breathing gets deep and occasionally it lets out a snore. That wasn’t happening. So I quietly began to sing the mattress a lullaby. “Oh, sleepy time is upon you, so sleepy, so oh so sleepy, lulling off to slumber-land, away you go.” I listened and heard a snort, followed by a glottal vibration. I slowly slipped out of bed.

When my foot touched the floor, it met a viscous substance. I pulled my foot back up and smelled the sticky substance. It was molasses. I felt like a fool for getting flooring made of sugar cane stalks. The mattress woke back up and said, “Were you trying to leave?” I said, “No.” The bat said, “Yes, he was.” I said to the bat, “I thought you couldn’t see?” The bat said, “I have sonar. It’s as reliable as sight.” The mattress said to me, “Why did you lie?” I said, “I didn’t want to make you upset.” The mattress said, “Well, you did.” I said I was sorry.

I heard the front door open, followed by steps in the living room. The moose came into the bedroom. The moose looked down in disgust said, “What the hell is this on the floor?” The moose lifted and licked a hoof. It said, “Mmmmmm, delicious!” and began slurping the floor.