The Ballad of Chowdenhauser the Moose

When I was a kid, I used to get chased by a bully named Mitch. Mitch didn’t like me because my family owned a pet Moose named Chowdenhauser. I was popular with the kids in the neighborhood because of Chowdenhauser. Kids were coming over all the time to pet and ride him because of his loving and natural moose-like ways.

Mitch had a cat named Duncer who was rail thin and craggy. Duncer waited in the bushes outside Mitch’s house, and pounced on unsuspecting sidewalk walkers. Duncer would stick his claws into the person and not retract. The person would then have to get themselves to the hospital so the nurses could inject Duncer with a relaxant and he’d let go. As a result, Mitch wasn’t much liked.

Most of the time Mitch couldn’t catch me because you can’t be that clever when you’re angry. But there was that one time I got over confident, flipping Mitch the bird while I skipped backwards, singing, “Mitch and Duncer had a baby, its name was Muncer the baby, it was boring – it was dumb, sucked its tail instead of its thumb!” Of course I tumbled over myself and hit the ground hard. But not as hard as Mitch pummeled me.

I limped home, feeling like a dud and a half. I went into my backyard and laid out on the grass. Chowdenhauser came over and licked the wounds on my head. He had a tongue that smelled of lavender and lemon grass. I swear my body and spirit healed on the spot. I got up and pet Chowdenhauser right between his eyes, and he mooed. It must have been heard for a great distance because kids soon came abounding. They formed a ring around Chowdenhauser and me, singing, “Bee and Chowy, happy as can be, dancing on the Sun, extra-specially!”