Better than having a job

I don’t like to work. I’ve given it a try a few times. But when you realize something isn’t for you, you do yourself a favor by stopping it at once. I do other things like wander around, sleep, sit and look out the window, and have long discussions with my dog Rexy.

The thing about not working is that you tend to not have enough money for things that you want to buy right now. Such was the case this morning when I realized I’d run out of dog chow and couldn’t feed Rexy. Rexy said, “I’m pretty hungry, so you’d better go back in time and find us some money.” I said she was coming with me. If nothing else, while out and about in time we might come across a meat cornucopia that would do the trick.

I got in my time-travel machine, Rexy sat on my lap, and I punched in the time-space coordinates for 28th January, the year 814, and the city of Aachen, Francia. We were there in an instant. Time-travel suits my deliriously lazy nature because it takes about the same amount of time and energy to get anywhere as it does for me to pick my nose.

We caught a ride in a dung cart. We dragged the time machine behind on a rope. I equipped it with wheels a ways back because wheels make everything easier. We got off at the Royal Palace. We went in and walked to the master suite where King Charlemagne was laying on his death bed. He was bemoaning that he was dying too soon, leaving behind a great deal of unfinished business. Further evidence that living an ambitious life is on the same level as repeated self head-hammering.

King Charlemagne asked who we were. I said Rexy and I were angels, ready to carry him to the great beyond. I said the sooner he left, the better he would feel. King Charlemagne sighed and concurred. I said that he would need to bring a big chunk of gold to pay the fare to cross the River Styx. He got out a hammer and a chisel, and from a refrigerator-sized block of gold, knocked off a brick-sized piece. Rexy put it in her mouth, and the King, Rexy, and I got in the time-machine and came back to today.

We took a detour and stopped off at a hospital and admitted King Charlemagne. Then Rexy and I took the time-machine to the Safeway to the present time. I don’t have a car, so I use the time-machine to do errands.

I got a can of Rexy’s favorite, Gravy Train with Beef Chunks, and we went to the register. The total was $1.29. I took the gold brick from Rexy’s mouth and gave it to the register person. She said they didn’t accept gold. I said she could have the whole brick, but she said no deal because she would get in trouble. We left without the can, went outside, and sat on a bench.

I asked Rexy if she was still hungry. She said that her stomach shrunk and she was okay.

Just then King Charlemagne wandered by. He said they gave him an aspirin and he was feeling better. I said that Rexy and I weren’t angels and asked if he wanted me to take him back to 814. He said that while sitting in the hospital he reassessed his life, and decided to give the idle life a chance.

He sat down on the bench with us. We watched cars drive by.