Time for lunch

One of the reasons I like to time travel is that I hate to fly. When I fly, there’s the packing, the long drive to the airport, the tension in the airport of going through security, the frustration of not having enough money to be able to board first, the agony of sitting so close to people for hours, and the long and slow dis-boarding.

But when I time-travel, I get to where I’m going in an instant. Like this morning, I thought, “Hey, I’d like to go to Sicily.” I punched in the time-space coordinates and arrived in Syracuse, Sicily. I randomly had chosen the year 640. Emperor Constantine the Bearded and his wife, Fausta, were in the midst of moving the capital of Sicily to Syracuse. It used to be in Constantinople. It’s some kind of miracle I didn’t fall asleep when I typed that. I find the details of history as dull as reading the manufacture’s warranty on the inside of my eyelids.

Emperor Constantine asked if I could help them unloaded the ox-drawn carts of their stuff. I said yes. But then I noticed there were over a thousand carts. I got upset at myself because I was hoping to just sight-see. But the the Emperor gave me a gold coin, and I could use the money, so I began the unpacking. But after a few minutes my back started to hurt. I tried to explain, but it turns out back pain didn’t exist then. Emperor Constantine ordered my immediate death, and I was brought to a head-chopping-off block. (It turns out there was one on every block. Head removal was the most common way of resolving grievances the civil officials had with the populace.)

The axe operator, his name was Cyril, set my head on the block, and I was asked if I had any last words. I paused to give impact and said, “Life is a ball rolling down the hill. It rolls over bumps. It rolls over small rocks. Sometimes the ball will bump into a tree, bounce back upwards, and then continue on down the hill. My rolling seems to be coming to an end. But with balls, you can never be sure.” That’s when I rubbed the time-travel jack in my pocket and reappeared back to today.

I still have the gold coin with me. Now that I’ve told you my adventure, I’m going to Blerghoeorves Deli, and use it to pay for a Pastrami on Rye.