Discussion with the lawn

I woke up this morning and went out to my backyard to have a talk with the lawn.

I said, “What strange things did you see last night?”

The lawn said, Okay, well, there was this raccoon, and it kept walking back and forth across me. At first I thought it forgot something, but this kind of walking kept going on like fifty times. So finally I said, “What the frick, raccoon?” The raccoon said, “I’m exercising, alright?! I’m trying to do something good for myself, and I don’t need your cranky criticism!”

I said, “Go on, go on.”

The lawn said, “So I said to the raccoon, “It’s my business if what you do is on top of me and wearing me down!” Well, the raccoon, she says, “Why in the hellacious acres did you become a lawn if you’re so bothered by things like other’s walking?!” I said, “I’m not bothered by walking, but by the freakish repetitive bullshit that you’re so touchy about!”

I said, “The raccoon had a point. Why did you decide to become a lawn?”

The lawn said, “I don’t see what that has to do with this?

I said, “I’m curious.”

The lawn said, “I became a lawn because I never cared for growing randomly in the woods or in vacant lots. I like order. I prefer a structured appearance.”

I said, “But once you become a lawn, you’re an open space invitation for others to do as they wish.”

The lawn said, “I guess. But I don’t like it. Would you build a very tall fence all around me with no gates to get in?”

I said, “No.”