Oh, Well

I took my boat out and decided to just sail north. Eventually I ended up in the Arctic Sea, and lo and behold, the North Pole. The strangest part was I came upon Santa’s Workshop. I don’t believe in Santa, so to see that I was wrong was very exciting.

I went in. Things were wild and crazy in preparation for Christmas. Santa saw me and came over. Even though things were at panic level, he took the time to talk with me and make me feel comfortable. I understood why he’s sometimes called Saint Nick.

Eventually it came down to Santa saying, “What do you want for Christmas?”

I embarrassingly felt my heart shoot out of my body. I thought for certain I’d burned hope and expectation out of my heart chamber decades ago.

I said, “I’d like to live in one of those resort suites that are supported on poles above the luscious bright blue waters of the gentle Caribbean sea. I want to eat unlimited amounts of lobster and greek fries. Plus I’d like a pet dolphin.”

I was sure Santa would say, “Are you f#@cking kidding me?”

But Santa nodded and said, “We’ll see what we can do.”

I thought, “What does that mean? Maybe it’s his kind way of saying no. When people are constantly asking you for things, you have to find some way to deal with it so you don’t go crazy.”

I thanked Santa and left. I got on my boat and headed south. When I got near home I got sucked up in a hurricane. I thought for certain I would end up dead on the bottom of the sea.

Hours later the storm settled and I found myself in the Caribbean sea. A dolphin winked at me as it began swimming along with my boat. I sighed. I felt like an idiot as I remembered telling my 2nd grade class during show and tell that Santa didn’t exist. I remembered kids crying and breaking things, and the teacher making me stand in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. I remembered feeling proud that I was a martyr for doing the right thing.

The dolphin said, “If it makes you feel any better, Athena’s All You Can Eat Lobster Restaurant burned down last week.”